05-02-2021, 06:45 PM
Well, long time since I started this thread. To be honest I have had to force myself to even write this as my motivation to report has not been great.
I will actually be switching to OFv3 when it comes out (already pre-ordered it). Reason being that I feel like I need to get rid of some more fear and I feel like the upgraded tech and FRM to 5.0 will really help in that direction. As for this sub I have felt more than anything the fear removal affect though the issue is I don't think at its current tech it is deep enough I believe for me personally, though it might be enough for others. I feel no more social anxiety or anything else like that in general. No fear in general that I used to feel but when it comes to studying and learning that fear is still there. Its funny if I force myself to study I do feel the effects of execution to a moderate or high level "but" there seems to be this wall of fear that comes up that tries to prevent me from engaging in getting my studies done at all. Its basically distraction, after distraction or if I try to even get started on something related to my degree this incredible , almost impenetrable wall of fear comes up to block me.
Like I will literally be opening up the portal for my online school, sign in then as soon as I'm there I literally feel this abrupt shift in how I feel that stalls me from going any further. I don't know what this fear is but I feel like it is some fear that is a combination of what happens if I succeed (if my current plan I will be making about 120k to 160k USD straight off the bat after graduating while being able to move/live around the world) and of things in my past where lets say the schools I was in starting in Junior high literally was no nurturing environment for learning. I was more intellectually minded but lets face it mainstream American culture and especially culture in schools in grades k-12 don't exactly promote "intellectualism". If more than anything your going to be seen as an outcast or not "cool" if you are seen as smart or gifted. More than anything you are going to be seen as a point of mockery for people of your age.
Obviously this is a generalization and there are different "realities" people experience in this regard. Its interesting because a good part of me knows this is dumb of short changing myself for what? to "fit in" with a bunch of people who are anti intellectual and therefore not really going anywhere in the long term. Its funny because I look at most of the people who prioritized being popular in high school (of the few I do know of) and they literally are going no where with their lives nor do I think they are really satisfied with their lives. Thing is I think the part that is blocking all this is that same part that at a young age was ridiculed and made fun of for being too smart or (unfortunately to use a racial term) "Not acting black" which btw was used mainly by other black people along with certain non minority people. I'm only mentioning this so people get the full scale of where I think this part that is blocking me came from and what its motivations are.
Obviously this part of me that is resisting thinks it is protecting me somehow by doing this. That reaching the goals of being successful are too dangerous and that it still care too much of what people might think in that regard due to its past experience. This is despite currently I really couldn't give 2 XXXXX what people think about me unless (1) they say something that is true and reasonable in which i will consider what they have said, or (1) though their reasoning might be faulty I sense they are actually sincere in trying to help me out so I will have a conversation with them pointing out the errors in their reasoning. Apparently this level of consciousness that is resisting the sub is still very much scared of people's opinions to this matter and doesn't want to "draw attention" to itself. The negative belief being of course that being too smart or clever = always bringing negative attention to oneself. Also, even if that were true why would you care that being smart brings negative attention? Sounds like more of a problem with the people themselves.. than you.
Unfortunately, that is where I am stuck at the moment. So I might take a break and run the new OFv3 to deal with this level of fear that just won't relent for some reason. Hopefully whatever is put in version 5.0 of FRM might be the key to this I think. I feel like if I can just get over or outgrow this level of consciousness understanding and fears I might just be home free. My life has already changed quite significantly since the introduction of FRM 4.9 then all the tech upgrades that followed. I literally have no social anxiety, generally have good emotional wellbeing, have no problem talking with people even strangers, and have no fear, guilt or shame regarding sticking up for myself at all. Matter of fact where as before I might have let a women get away with mistreating me because I had all those previous things along with being needy now I won't tolerate such behavior. Interestingly now I have more women I'm talking with now then at any period in my life yet though I find it enjoyable to be having these discussions I couldn't give two shits in the end if they are in my life or not. At any one point I literally have the feeling of "well if this situation goes badly or she changes for the worst I'm willing to walk away no issue and move on. There are literally billions of other women in the world I can talk to who are just as good looking but lack the bad behavior she has". Once you realize that simple truth, you literally get rid of the neediness that paradoxically gets you less women.
I will say one last thing in regards to this program I have noticed my memory is quite improved to the point I actually notice. Just in general its very good to the point that I only have to go over something once, maybe rarely twice to repeat it. Now there have been these super human flashes of execution I have noticed that tell me what the program is truly capable of if I get over this one part that wants to resist. I remember I was going to get an item before I left the house then I noticed the item was not where I usually have it. I then asked mentally "where did I put that thing" then automatically an image flashed through my mind of when was the last time I had it. This flash of insight was just very quick, detailed and visceral as if it was transporting me back to that exact moment. I found the item near that exact place. When I experienced that I was really, really thrown off as it seemed a certain part of my mind responded to the question quite quickly.
Anyway, that's where I'm at at the moment. So I think I'm going to be getting on OFv3 for quite a bit to work on knocking down some more fears in general. I just want all these fears out of me as I'm getting tired of them messing up my progress.
I will actually be switching to OFv3 when it comes out (already pre-ordered it). Reason being that I feel like I need to get rid of some more fear and I feel like the upgraded tech and FRM to 5.0 will really help in that direction. As for this sub I have felt more than anything the fear removal affect though the issue is I don't think at its current tech it is deep enough I believe for me personally, though it might be enough for others. I feel no more social anxiety or anything else like that in general. No fear in general that I used to feel but when it comes to studying and learning that fear is still there. Its funny if I force myself to study I do feel the effects of execution to a moderate or high level "but" there seems to be this wall of fear that comes up that tries to prevent me from engaging in getting my studies done at all. Its basically distraction, after distraction or if I try to even get started on something related to my degree this incredible , almost impenetrable wall of fear comes up to block me.
Like I will literally be opening up the portal for my online school, sign in then as soon as I'm there I literally feel this abrupt shift in how I feel that stalls me from going any further. I don't know what this fear is but I feel like it is some fear that is a combination of what happens if I succeed (if my current plan I will be making about 120k to 160k USD straight off the bat after graduating while being able to move/live around the world) and of things in my past where lets say the schools I was in starting in Junior high literally was no nurturing environment for learning. I was more intellectually minded but lets face it mainstream American culture and especially culture in schools in grades k-12 don't exactly promote "intellectualism". If more than anything your going to be seen as an outcast or not "cool" if you are seen as smart or gifted. More than anything you are going to be seen as a point of mockery for people of your age.
Obviously this is a generalization and there are different "realities" people experience in this regard. Its interesting because a good part of me knows this is dumb of short changing myself for what? to "fit in" with a bunch of people who are anti intellectual and therefore not really going anywhere in the long term. Its funny because I look at most of the people who prioritized being popular in high school (of the few I do know of) and they literally are going no where with their lives nor do I think they are really satisfied with their lives. Thing is I think the part that is blocking all this is that same part that at a young age was ridiculed and made fun of for being too smart or (unfortunately to use a racial term) "Not acting black" which btw was used mainly by other black people along with certain non minority people. I'm only mentioning this so people get the full scale of where I think this part that is blocking me came from and what its motivations are.
Obviously this part of me that is resisting thinks it is protecting me somehow by doing this. That reaching the goals of being successful are too dangerous and that it still care too much of what people might think in that regard due to its past experience. This is despite currently I really couldn't give 2 XXXXX what people think about me unless (1) they say something that is true and reasonable in which i will consider what they have said, or (1) though their reasoning might be faulty I sense they are actually sincere in trying to help me out so I will have a conversation with them pointing out the errors in their reasoning. Apparently this level of consciousness that is resisting the sub is still very much scared of people's opinions to this matter and doesn't want to "draw attention" to itself. The negative belief being of course that being too smart or clever = always bringing negative attention to oneself. Also, even if that were true why would you care that being smart brings negative attention? Sounds like more of a problem with the people themselves.. than you.
Unfortunately, that is where I am stuck at the moment. So I might take a break and run the new OFv3 to deal with this level of fear that just won't relent for some reason. Hopefully whatever is put in version 5.0 of FRM might be the key to this I think. I feel like if I can just get over or outgrow this level of consciousness understanding and fears I might just be home free. My life has already changed quite significantly since the introduction of FRM 4.9 then all the tech upgrades that followed. I literally have no social anxiety, generally have good emotional wellbeing, have no problem talking with people even strangers, and have no fear, guilt or shame regarding sticking up for myself at all. Matter of fact where as before I might have let a women get away with mistreating me because I had all those previous things along with being needy now I won't tolerate such behavior. Interestingly now I have more women I'm talking with now then at any period in my life yet though I find it enjoyable to be having these discussions I couldn't give two shits in the end if they are in my life or not. At any one point I literally have the feeling of "well if this situation goes badly or she changes for the worst I'm willing to walk away no issue and move on. There are literally billions of other women in the world I can talk to who are just as good looking but lack the bad behavior she has". Once you realize that simple truth, you literally get rid of the neediness that paradoxically gets you less women.
I will say one last thing in regards to this program I have noticed my memory is quite improved to the point I actually notice. Just in general its very good to the point that I only have to go over something once, maybe rarely twice to repeat it. Now there have been these super human flashes of execution I have noticed that tell me what the program is truly capable of if I get over this one part that wants to resist. I remember I was going to get an item before I left the house then I noticed the item was not where I usually have it. I then asked mentally "where did I put that thing" then automatically an image flashed through my mind of when was the last time I had it. This flash of insight was just very quick, detailed and visceral as if it was transporting me back to that exact moment. I found the item near that exact place. When I experienced that I was really, really thrown off as it seemed a certain part of my mind responded to the question quite quickly.
Anyway, that's where I'm at at the moment. So I think I'm going to be getting on OFv3 for quite a bit to work on knocking down some more fears in general. I just want all these fears out of me as I'm getting tired of them messing up my progress.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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