03-05-2019, 01:21 PM
LTU 5 -Day 9(3rd day of second on cycle)
I'm really struggling right now....I don't know if it is reversal residence or what, but it feels like I am running ANITLTU 5. Emotionally, mentally, physically, romantically, you name it and it has all pretty much went downhill since about Day 2 of this new version(There are however a few good new habits I started that i will mention at the end of the post). I feel kind of like how one of the members in Shanoons journal discussion mentioned they had been feeling on DMSI. Like fear and emotional distress was coming up and just sitting there for me to stew in. Ive had this hot burning sensation in my chest and it sometimes move up into my throat and other areas that i keep focusing on along with different negative accompanying thoughts. I try to rationally tell myself it means nothing and logically dismantle it, but it only seems to be working to a limited degree thus far.
I ended up having to break this off with the girl I had been seeing and its been tough the last few days without her. We have texted non stop for multiple months straight and would see each other multiple times a week for many hours, and I know this might not seem like a lot compared to people that have been in long term relationships for awhile, but even in this short time span I have honestly connected with this girl more than ANY other girl by FAR that I have just been friends and befits with over these past 7 years since my last gf. I felt truly appreciated by her and while she wasnt my typical type appearance wise felt a strong connection to her and had a lot of fun with her.
She felt trapped though in a position where she couldnt choose between her ex and I and didnt want to hurt or lose either of us from her life. She had been with him for over a year, and ever since they broke up last year was trying to work things out with him. He would show her a little promise and then back off again. Then when he learned about me he got really jealous and wanted to date her again, the thing she had been waiting for all along. She was struggling with great emotional turmoil for what to do. I had to put my own selfish feelings aside of wanting her to pick me, and I could understand from her point of view it was a pretty fucked position and she felt bad for even putting me through it and didnt mean to. Like I mentioned before though we just started with the intention to be friends with benefits and I knew she was talking to her ex all along, but as timed passed I actually started considering dating her and she started really liking me as well. Right around the time I was contemplating if I should ask her to be my girlfriend or not is when this ex came back into the picture and decided he wanted to try things again with her.
So the past two weeks after that we were just trying to figure out what to do with the whole situation and I just realized that what i thought was best for her and I was if I just stepped out of the equation. I told her to just go and see if things would work out with him because that was what she was waiting for for a long time and finally got the opportunity, and as long as he was still in the picture nothing could really come of us. It was hard, but I believe it was the right thing. So I have also been dealing with the after effects of that.
Some I suppose positive things to note however is I did switch a few habits, I cold turkey stopped caffeine on sunday and despite taking a LARGE daily dose I really didnt notice much of a difference besides slightly less energy. I got no withdrawl effects which I thought was pretty cool and peculiar because I always had in the past. So I am at least happy that coming off of that hasnt seemed to negatively impact me as much as I thought it would.
I also stopped looking at my phone first things in the morning before my morning routine. I now take my morning supplements, take a contrast shower, and do some yoga first. These were some habits ive been meaning to instill but havent been able to consistently implement. I actually think with her being out of the picture and the emotional/mental distress ive been experiencing were both motivating factors for me to do this to improve myself and lesson these symptoms.
Now Im just hoping I will soon come out of this emotional/mental fog and get back to a more poitive feeling and thinking orientation. During TID for both LTU4 and 5 there were moments where I was feeling pretty awesome, and want to get back to more of that.
I'm really struggling right now....I don't know if it is reversal residence or what, but it feels like I am running ANITLTU 5. Emotionally, mentally, physically, romantically, you name it and it has all pretty much went downhill since about Day 2 of this new version(There are however a few good new habits I started that i will mention at the end of the post). I feel kind of like how one of the members in Shanoons journal discussion mentioned they had been feeling on DMSI. Like fear and emotional distress was coming up and just sitting there for me to stew in. Ive had this hot burning sensation in my chest and it sometimes move up into my throat and other areas that i keep focusing on along with different negative accompanying thoughts. I try to rationally tell myself it means nothing and logically dismantle it, but it only seems to be working to a limited degree thus far.
I ended up having to break this off with the girl I had been seeing and its been tough the last few days without her. We have texted non stop for multiple months straight and would see each other multiple times a week for many hours, and I know this might not seem like a lot compared to people that have been in long term relationships for awhile, but even in this short time span I have honestly connected with this girl more than ANY other girl by FAR that I have just been friends and befits with over these past 7 years since my last gf. I felt truly appreciated by her and while she wasnt my typical type appearance wise felt a strong connection to her and had a lot of fun with her.
She felt trapped though in a position where she couldnt choose between her ex and I and didnt want to hurt or lose either of us from her life. She had been with him for over a year, and ever since they broke up last year was trying to work things out with him. He would show her a little promise and then back off again. Then when he learned about me he got really jealous and wanted to date her again, the thing she had been waiting for all along. She was struggling with great emotional turmoil for what to do. I had to put my own selfish feelings aside of wanting her to pick me, and I could understand from her point of view it was a pretty fucked position and she felt bad for even putting me through it and didnt mean to. Like I mentioned before though we just started with the intention to be friends with benefits and I knew she was talking to her ex all along, but as timed passed I actually started considering dating her and she started really liking me as well. Right around the time I was contemplating if I should ask her to be my girlfriend or not is when this ex came back into the picture and decided he wanted to try things again with her.
So the past two weeks after that we were just trying to figure out what to do with the whole situation and I just realized that what i thought was best for her and I was if I just stepped out of the equation. I told her to just go and see if things would work out with him because that was what she was waiting for for a long time and finally got the opportunity, and as long as he was still in the picture nothing could really come of us. It was hard, but I believe it was the right thing. So I have also been dealing with the after effects of that.
Some I suppose positive things to note however is I did switch a few habits, I cold turkey stopped caffeine on sunday and despite taking a LARGE daily dose I really didnt notice much of a difference besides slightly less energy. I got no withdrawl effects which I thought was pretty cool and peculiar because I always had in the past. So I am at least happy that coming off of that hasnt seemed to negatively impact me as much as I thought it would.
I also stopped looking at my phone first things in the morning before my morning routine. I now take my morning supplements, take a contrast shower, and do some yoga first. These were some habits ive been meaning to instill but havent been able to consistently implement. I actually think with her being out of the picture and the emotional/mental distress ive been experiencing were both motivating factors for me to do this to improve myself and lesson these symptoms.
Now Im just hoping I will soon come out of this emotional/mental fog and get back to a more poitive feeling and thinking orientation. During TID for both LTU4 and 5 there were moments where I was feeling pretty awesome, and want to get back to more of that.
