9th Feb
First day of the 3 day break. Didn't sleep too well last night, had the loops running for the first portion of my sleep until about 2am, so woke up with a headache.
The reading continues. Trying my best to feel unconditional love for everything around me, and to understand the idea that things being separate is just an illusion. Can't go into detail due to Rule 4 but it's hard to know how to know what's genuine truth and what's made up. Reading such things is helping to broaden my horizons as I'm considering things in a manner I hadn't previously had access to - the more I read, the more I realize how little I know about anything, and how much there is to learn. But I'm determined, the more I read, the more exposure I have to these kinds of concepts and ideals, the more likely I am to find the path my life should take for it to have had meaning and purpose.
Had a haircut today. The girl who was cutting my hair, she was fairly attractive but not stunning, but I just knew that energetically she was very sexually attractive to me. I did my best to view her completely non-sexually, in a platonic and loving manner. I avoided eye contact unless it was to smile, and I tried to speak kindly without any hint of sexuality. I felt myself heating up during it, the old DMSI feeling, and despite my best efforts I knew I was pumping out some serious sexual energy toward her, despite my best intentions to keep things completely non-sexual. She got the red cheek sex flush after a while. Shouldn't be DMSI as I'm outside the 35 day period, but having not ejaculated in weeks it's very hard to control.
Now I find my mind keeps wandering to her, I found her on Facebook as we have mutual friends. When will I be able to stop viewing things at such a surface level and value people, especially women, based on things more important than their appearance or sexual viability?
First day of the 3 day break. Didn't sleep too well last night, had the loops running for the first portion of my sleep until about 2am, so woke up with a headache.
The reading continues. Trying my best to feel unconditional love for everything around me, and to understand the idea that things being separate is just an illusion. Can't go into detail due to Rule 4 but it's hard to know how to know what's genuine truth and what's made up. Reading such things is helping to broaden my horizons as I'm considering things in a manner I hadn't previously had access to - the more I read, the more I realize how little I know about anything, and how much there is to learn. But I'm determined, the more I read, the more exposure I have to these kinds of concepts and ideals, the more likely I am to find the path my life should take for it to have had meaning and purpose.
Had a haircut today. The girl who was cutting my hair, she was fairly attractive but not stunning, but I just knew that energetically she was very sexually attractive to me. I did my best to view her completely non-sexually, in a platonic and loving manner. I avoided eye contact unless it was to smile, and I tried to speak kindly without any hint of sexuality. I felt myself heating up during it, the old DMSI feeling, and despite my best efforts I knew I was pumping out some serious sexual energy toward her, despite my best intentions to keep things completely non-sexual. She got the red cheek sex flush after a while. Shouldn't be DMSI as I'm outside the 35 day period, but having not ejaculated in weeks it's very hard to control.
Now I find my mind keeps wandering to her, I found her on Facebook as we have mutual friends. When will I be able to stop viewing things at such a surface level and value people, especially women, based on things more important than their appearance or sexual viability?
