Update 1 - Epiphany
I have done nothing today at all. I have been unmotivated to do anything productive except eat and watch my tv show.
I wont give the name of this show that im binge watching as im not here to advertise it and it may go against forum rules, however its a show about geniuses.
The Ephiphany I had is to do with the episode I was watching that i have no paused to jump on here and write this so hope this data is relevant.
In this show the geniuses have very high IQs.
1 particular character though fat and heavy seems to always be doing something, running some experiment or trying out some new theory.
In todays episodes he tried something (im being vague to not advertise the show but bare with me please) and towards of the end of the show he realised that it didnt work the way he intended so he decided to take this new hobby or scheme and do it on the roof of the building.
Immediately it dawned on me. HE IS SUPER MOTIVATED.
He is moving from 1 endeavour to another. Sure he's fat, hes heavy, but hes driven, he has this drive that doesnt seem to be relentless.
I realised this and immediately also realised or that it dawned on me or I dont know my SUBC just came up with this, that to be this motivated means that he was never ever told NO when it came to doing whatever he was motivated to do.
I immediately went to my childhood, memories of my mother stopping me from taking risks, from doing things my older siblings were allowed to do. It was to keep me safe but instead it made me both angry, resentful, feel less loved and also more afraid of whatever it was I wanted to do.
An example would be an older sibling say at age 11 being able to go out alone to the shops but I wasnt allowed until maybe 15 (im guessing) by which time I felt anxious whenever I went out, I would break out in sweat or be highly alert of potential dangers.
I get that she was keeping me safe but my fucked up SUBC clearly resented this.
Either way I had to jump on and give you this data @Shannon
I could be way off on all of this as im not qualified on all this subC like Shannon and the rest of you people here may be but I feel all this lead to me wanting to rebel whenever I was told to do something and perhaps it built up inside of me over time, a long time but time to become laziness and procrastination.
Perhaps over time in life, other experiences where I tried and failed caused me to get angry and feel trying is worthless, and maybe just maybe it connected to my past where this experience played a role.
I just know that to be motivated as the fat genius in the show, means he wasnt stopped or prevented to doing what he was motivated to do, or if he was his subC didnt react negatively, so he did whatever he wanted and as an adult remains driven to jump from 1 task to another.
Am i right or wrong? CAN the wall, H&C or FRM deal with this?
I am super excited and super afraid now.
Super excited that what if ive hit on something that can help me &/or @Shannon but super afraid that what if its useless and im destined to never execute :/ I want the subs to work for me Dammit!
---
On other news, I have also today felt lack of focus. I can only focus on any mental task such as emails or reading anything for a short time. Not sure why. Could be 101 reasons such as poor diet, lack of sleep etc etc
I have done nothing today at all. I have been unmotivated to do anything productive except eat and watch my tv show.
I wont give the name of this show that im binge watching as im not here to advertise it and it may go against forum rules, however its a show about geniuses.
The Ephiphany I had is to do with the episode I was watching that i have no paused to jump on here and write this so hope this data is relevant.
In this show the geniuses have very high IQs.
1 particular character though fat and heavy seems to always be doing something, running some experiment or trying out some new theory.
In todays episodes he tried something (im being vague to not advertise the show but bare with me please) and towards of the end of the show he realised that it didnt work the way he intended so he decided to take this new hobby or scheme and do it on the roof of the building.
Immediately it dawned on me. HE IS SUPER MOTIVATED.
He is moving from 1 endeavour to another. Sure he's fat, hes heavy, but hes driven, he has this drive that doesnt seem to be relentless.
I realised this and immediately also realised or that it dawned on me or I dont know my SUBC just came up with this, that to be this motivated means that he was never ever told NO when it came to doing whatever he was motivated to do.
I immediately went to my childhood, memories of my mother stopping me from taking risks, from doing things my older siblings were allowed to do. It was to keep me safe but instead it made me both angry, resentful, feel less loved and also more afraid of whatever it was I wanted to do.
An example would be an older sibling say at age 11 being able to go out alone to the shops but I wasnt allowed until maybe 15 (im guessing) by which time I felt anxious whenever I went out, I would break out in sweat or be highly alert of potential dangers.
I get that she was keeping me safe but my fucked up SUBC clearly resented this.
Either way I had to jump on and give you this data @Shannon
I could be way off on all of this as im not qualified on all this subC like Shannon and the rest of you people here may be but I feel all this lead to me wanting to rebel whenever I was told to do something and perhaps it built up inside of me over time, a long time but time to become laziness and procrastination.
Perhaps over time in life, other experiences where I tried and failed caused me to get angry and feel trying is worthless, and maybe just maybe it connected to my past where this experience played a role.
I just know that to be motivated as the fat genius in the show, means he wasnt stopped or prevented to doing what he was motivated to do, or if he was his subC didnt react negatively, so he did whatever he wanted and as an adult remains driven to jump from 1 task to another.
Am i right or wrong? CAN the wall, H&C or FRM deal with this?
I am super excited and super afraid now.
Super excited that what if ive hit on something that can help me &/or @Shannon but super afraid that what if its useless and im destined to never execute :/ I want the subs to work for me Dammit!
---
On other news, I have also today felt lack of focus. I can only focus on any mental task such as emails or reading anything for a short time. Not sure why. Could be 101 reasons such as poor diet, lack of sleep etc etc
OF3 5.75.7G 13/15Vol
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
