06-27-2010, 03:05 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-28-2010, 05:05 PM by Tigerlilly.)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #9 – __ hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Maybe a separate dream journal is in order, just for my benefit. There really are so many, that if I don’t write first thing, I forget many parts.
I enjoyed a beautiful sunny day. One of my gf’s, her two little girls – 2 and 4 yrs., and their Labrador stopped by for a couple of hours. We were testing out dogs, to be sure that they’ll get along as I offered to take hers while she and her family were on vacation. It went swimmingly.
Spent the later part of the afternoon and early evening gardening with another friend who was getting her place ready for hosting a father’s day party tomorrow. I love digging in the dirt! I don’t have a yard at my apt., so there is little opportunity for me to play in the dirt at home. Participating in a garden club and helping friends allows me to get my “fix” of mother earth time.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #10 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of swimming in the ocean. I think I jumped off a cliff to get into the water and the cliffs were off in the distance. I was really far away from the shore, cliffs, and other boats and remember feeling like it would be difficut to get help out get out. The water was an incredible dark blue, but I could see everything when swimming under water. The water was filled with marine life, whales, sharks, colorful fish and stingrays swimming all around me and other people in the water too. No people were harmed by the sharks but it was disturbing to be in such close proximity to them. The sharks seemed busy chasing the whales and stingrays. I don’t remember seeing it capture any of the other creatures, but there was a ton of chasing done by the sharks.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #11 – 7.5 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Same dream as last night. I can’t remember the last time I had the same dream two nights in a row. Strange.
I’ve found a new theme song – Bulletproof by La Roux – catchy tune, but the lyrics are the real kicker.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #12 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Spent some time researching my summer project. I really need to get cracking on this work or I’ll never get it finished on time. Not feeling terribly motivated. Really gotta shake this procrastination stuff I’m doing.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #13 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of lawn mowers??? What’s up with that? According to one dream interpretation web site “To see a lawn mower in your dream, suggests that you need to channel your negative thinking into positive energy. You also need to keep your temper and attitude under control. Alternatively, the dream points to your need to keep up your appearances.”
Spent my day running around doing errands, which did not leave me feeling very accomplished. Still avoiding the big stack of bills and statement reconciling that need attention. Ick!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #14 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #15 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Decided to change the listening time frames of LTU and Procrastination programs. After waking today and feeling sad most of the day it seems like I need to cycle in more “Let Go”.
Feeling an overwhelming sadness this morning with respect to the end of the romantic relationship and a bit of the “poor me” attitude. I am clearly having a difficult time letting go and moving on. It’s only been a few weeks, but my resistance to letting go does not feel like it is dissipating (at least not today.) I found it difficult to motivate myself all day and found myself on the verge of tears most of the day.
Plans with a friend finally forced me out of the house. Met some nice people and managed not to think about my personal drama for a few hours.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #16 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of moving; driving a large garbage truck, it was difficult to navigate and I could not properly see in front of the truck when driving. Difficulties not only physically parking the truck, but parking it in places where legal; parked it somewhere not legal and received a very expensive parking ticket I could not afford to pay.
Many others in dream, but only recall one familiar face, (a secretarial manager at my former job) who was being let go, all employees were, because the company was closing and all were in the process of moving and packing items out of this dark dingy space. I was not an employee, no sure why I was moving. Complications trying to move my items from one location to another; my dog was a big concern in this dream but I don’t recall why.
The dream interpretation website had the following definitions:
Garbage Truck: To see or drive a garbage truck in your dream, indicates that you need to rid yourself of your old habits. You are carrying around too much negativity.
Moving: To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship; you are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.
The dream dictionary may be on to something . . ..
I spent most of the morning crying. I alternate between furious with “Chatty Carl” (CC) and feeling the overwhelming sense of pain from my heartbreak. It’s been years since I’ve loved someone so much that the so much that it hurt so much to let go and felt physically painful. Inn fact, I can only remember feeling like this 2 other times in my life. I suppose on some level I should be thankful for having the capacity to love someone this much, but the flip side is that I’ve not yet found it within a relationship that lasts. Each time I’ve wondered if I would ever love someone this much again, so on some level it’s good to know that I have the capacity to feel this, both the good and bad.
But this is the hateful part, the part that makes it difficult to get up in the morning; the part that hurts and causes tear storms that continue for hours. That make you feel like you’re loosing your mind, not just suffering from a broken heart.
The capacity to love is one of God’s greatest gifts. And the fact is, there is so much suffering in this world, that many people never truly are able to experience this love. I am grateful that I can grateful for having been able to feel this level of love for another and know they felt it for me, however ever briefly, but the loss is so painful it is hard to remember that it is worth the pain. . Then there, are all the cruel things people do to one another to let go of their own pain. Things that they don’t realize hurt, or possible just don’t consider that their actions may be hurtful.
I want to move away from this relationship and let go remembering the love, not the hurtful actions of CC which are just a reflection of his own confusion, denial, or pain.
I wish there was a standard protocol for knowing how long the pain would last, a crystal ball to tell me when it would stop hurting, similar to knowing the length of a jail sentence. Instead I just keep writing, hoping that the words streaming out will give me some form of comfort. I’m typing now, but I think I may go back to longhand.
The action of typing is fine, easy even, and of course it is quick allowing me to keep up with my thoughts and write them as they come, but there is something more soothing about longhand. It is more visceral, smudges of ink; tear stained pages, cross outs and scribbles you don’t get when typing.
“How long will this hurt?” is all I can think right now. How do I take care of myself in such a way that says it’s okay to feel all this pain and anger without beating myself up (I’ve not been so successful with this aspect in the past)?
I can run and run and run until I wear the treads off my sneakers, take long walks on the beach, spend time with friends, and work on projects that are fun (not just grad school stuff) and all this will help, I know this to be true.
It is probably worth noting that my emotional state the last two days may be exacerbated by my cycle.
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #9 – __ hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Maybe a separate dream journal is in order, just for my benefit. There really are so many, that if I don’t write first thing, I forget many parts.
I enjoyed a beautiful sunny day. One of my gf’s, her two little girls – 2 and 4 yrs., and their Labrador stopped by for a couple of hours. We were testing out dogs, to be sure that they’ll get along as I offered to take hers while she and her family were on vacation. It went swimmingly.
Spent the later part of the afternoon and early evening gardening with another friend who was getting her place ready for hosting a father’s day party tomorrow. I love digging in the dirt! I don’t have a yard at my apt., so there is little opportunity for me to play in the dirt at home. Participating in a garden club and helping friends allows me to get my “fix” of mother earth time.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #10 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of swimming in the ocean. I think I jumped off a cliff to get into the water and the cliffs were off in the distance. I was really far away from the shore, cliffs, and other boats and remember feeling like it would be difficut to get help out get out. The water was an incredible dark blue, but I could see everything when swimming under water. The water was filled with marine life, whales, sharks, colorful fish and stingrays swimming all around me and other people in the water too. No people were harmed by the sharks but it was disturbing to be in such close proximity to them. The sharks seemed busy chasing the whales and stingrays. I don’t remember seeing it capture any of the other creatures, but there was a ton of chasing done by the sharks.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #11 – 7.5 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Same dream as last night. I can’t remember the last time I had the same dream two nights in a row. Strange.
I’ve found a new theme song – Bulletproof by La Roux – catchy tune, but the lyrics are the real kicker.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #12 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Spent some time researching my summer project. I really need to get cracking on this work or I’ll never get it finished on time. Not feeling terribly motivated. Really gotta shake this procrastination stuff I’m doing.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #13 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of lawn mowers??? What’s up with that? According to one dream interpretation web site “To see a lawn mower in your dream, suggests that you need to channel your negative thinking into positive energy. You also need to keep your temper and attitude under control. Alternatively, the dream points to your need to keep up your appearances.”
Spent my day running around doing errands, which did not leave me feeling very accomplished. Still avoiding the big stack of bills and statement reconciling that need attention. Ick!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #14 – 7 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Day Listening – 3 hours
Night #15 – 8 hours; “USS”; Speakers
30 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 30 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Decided to change the listening time frames of LTU and Procrastination programs. After waking today and feeling sad most of the day it seems like I need to cycle in more “Let Go”.
Feeling an overwhelming sadness this morning with respect to the end of the romantic relationship and a bit of the “poor me” attitude. I am clearly having a difficult time letting go and moving on. It’s only been a few weeks, but my resistance to letting go does not feel like it is dissipating (at least not today.) I found it difficult to motivate myself all day and found myself on the verge of tears most of the day.
Plans with a friend finally forced me out of the house. Met some nice people and managed not to think about my personal drama for a few hours.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day Listening – 4 hours
Night #16 – 6 hours; “USS”; Speakers
60 min. LTU; 30 min. Let Go; 60 min. Procrastination. Programs cycle in that order.
Dreams of moving; driving a large garbage truck, it was difficult to navigate and I could not properly see in front of the truck when driving. Difficulties not only physically parking the truck, but parking it in places where legal; parked it somewhere not legal and received a very expensive parking ticket I could not afford to pay.
Many others in dream, but only recall one familiar face, (a secretarial manager at my former job) who was being let go, all employees were, because the company was closing and all were in the process of moving and packing items out of this dark dingy space. I was not an employee, no sure why I was moving. Complications trying to move my items from one location to another; my dog was a big concern in this dream but I don’t recall why.
The dream interpretation website had the following definitions:
Garbage Truck: To see or drive a garbage truck in your dream, indicates that you need to rid yourself of your old habits. You are carrying around too much negativity.
Moving: To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship; you are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.
The dream dictionary may be on to something . . ..
I spent most of the morning crying. I alternate between furious with “Chatty Carl” (CC) and feeling the overwhelming sense of pain from my heartbreak. It’s been years since I’ve loved someone so much that the so much that it hurt so much to let go and felt physically painful. Inn fact, I can only remember feeling like this 2 other times in my life. I suppose on some level I should be thankful for having the capacity to love someone this much, but the flip side is that I’ve not yet found it within a relationship that lasts. Each time I’ve wondered if I would ever love someone this much again, so on some level it’s good to know that I have the capacity to feel this, both the good and bad.
But this is the hateful part, the part that makes it difficult to get up in the morning; the part that hurts and causes tear storms that continue for hours. That make you feel like you’re loosing your mind, not just suffering from a broken heart.
The capacity to love is one of God’s greatest gifts. And the fact is, there is so much suffering in this world, that many people never truly are able to experience this love. I am grateful that I can grateful for having been able to feel this level of love for another and know they felt it for me, however ever briefly, but the loss is so painful it is hard to remember that it is worth the pain. . Then there, are all the cruel things people do to one another to let go of their own pain. Things that they don’t realize hurt, or possible just don’t consider that their actions may be hurtful.
I want to move away from this relationship and let go remembering the love, not the hurtful actions of CC which are just a reflection of his own confusion, denial, or pain.
I wish there was a standard protocol for knowing how long the pain would last, a crystal ball to tell me when it would stop hurting, similar to knowing the length of a jail sentence. Instead I just keep writing, hoping that the words streaming out will give me some form of comfort. I’m typing now, but I think I may go back to longhand.
The action of typing is fine, easy even, and of course it is quick allowing me to keep up with my thoughts and write them as they come, but there is something more soothing about longhand. It is more visceral, smudges of ink; tear stained pages, cross outs and scribbles you don’t get when typing.
“How long will this hurt?” is all I can think right now. How do I take care of myself in such a way that says it’s okay to feel all this pain and anger without beating myself up (I’ve not been so successful with this aspect in the past)?
I can run and run and run until I wear the treads off my sneakers, take long walks on the beach, spend time with friends, and work on projects that are fun (not just grad school stuff) and all this will help, I know this to be true.
It is probably worth noting that my emotional state the last two days may be exacerbated by my cycle.
TigerLilly
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
