11-06-2018, 04:43 PM
I can't be the only one who has a full day and then wants to bury it/not remember it/lie to themselves about it. I've been in that mindset this afternoon, still trying to run from it.
To cut to the point, I wasn't relieved today listening to E2 on my phone. I'd had some childhood feelings for a father this morning, I worked with the driver I've had emotional trouble around (he's hostile and unavailable), and what is happening?
That last question came up since emotions have been hiding away a bit today, but working with a mean and unavailable man all day affected me. However, I was different than in months past. Today, I asked 2 questions early in our day, and he answered quickly and disgustedly like I "should" know. I realized I'd hoped he'd not be an a**hole today, I was wrong, so I didn't ask him much more the rest of the day. F*** him! I got "punished" for asking a question. sdf asdfsdfsdlfl;skdjfl;kjsdfl;kjlkdsjf a**hole!
In months past, I'd have felt angry then tried to stuff it, and kept attempting distraction, making me confused but hostile myself. Today, I got mad, but nothing like in months past. I was offended, but I didn't let him own me. He's always been an a**hole, to me and many others. But I couldn't/didn't stay in that mindset. I'd had a good morning at work starting out, and I stayed in my memory and imagination, steering clear of more emotional violence.
I just felt I got mad while writing since I see my own dad as being completely unavailable. He was. And to me, in my thinking, he is. Me working with the guy today......was very, very coincidental. Really? I go to work, feeling "just" aware of an old wound, and I work with "him". Very unusual.
I'm not being full of s*** now. Something feels right now. This felt like.....a good day. I went to work hoping to avoid thinking and feelings of my dad. I worked with "him", but.......I saw and enjoyed young children today. I waved at 2 different kids, and they waved back. I wasn't owned by hate and rage. And I connected, in my head, with very young children. One boy, maybe 4 years old, began following our truck near the end of our day. I'm on the back of a garbage truck, and he left his parents and siblings to follow us on his skateboard. I knew he'd have to turn back soon, but he kept following. We stopped for a pickup, and I walked towards him, not wanting to scare him. I said simply and calmly "you need to go back to your parents". He turned around immediately, which I hadn't expected. His father had noticed he was missing, and was walking down the road already. His 3 sisters (?) had just been watching him, but they were about the same age.
My driver had come back to help me with the load, and I told him the kid was cute, but it was dangerous, since it was. I shared I'd been with another driver who'd not been so nice to a kid following our truck before. I felt good I'd not "punished" the child with words. (that made me cry)
I'm affected now. I am an adult, but emotionally, I feel like a young child. So be it.
To cut to the point, I wasn't relieved today listening to E2 on my phone. I'd had some childhood feelings for a father this morning, I worked with the driver I've had emotional trouble around (he's hostile and unavailable), and what is happening?
That last question came up since emotions have been hiding away a bit today, but working with a mean and unavailable man all day affected me. However, I was different than in months past. Today, I asked 2 questions early in our day, and he answered quickly and disgustedly like I "should" know. I realized I'd hoped he'd not be an a**hole today, I was wrong, so I didn't ask him much more the rest of the day. F*** him! I got "punished" for asking a question. sdf asdfsdfsdlfl;skdjfl;kjsdfl;kjlkdsjf a**hole!
In months past, I'd have felt angry then tried to stuff it, and kept attempting distraction, making me confused but hostile myself. Today, I got mad, but nothing like in months past. I was offended, but I didn't let him own me. He's always been an a**hole, to me and many others. But I couldn't/didn't stay in that mindset. I'd had a good morning at work starting out, and I stayed in my memory and imagination, steering clear of more emotional violence.
I just felt I got mad while writing since I see my own dad as being completely unavailable. He was. And to me, in my thinking, he is. Me working with the guy today......was very, very coincidental. Really? I go to work, feeling "just" aware of an old wound, and I work with "him". Very unusual.
I'm not being full of s*** now. Something feels right now. This felt like.....a good day. I went to work hoping to avoid thinking and feelings of my dad. I worked with "him", but.......I saw and enjoyed young children today. I waved at 2 different kids, and they waved back. I wasn't owned by hate and rage. And I connected, in my head, with very young children. One boy, maybe 4 years old, began following our truck near the end of our day. I'm on the back of a garbage truck, and he left his parents and siblings to follow us on his skateboard. I knew he'd have to turn back soon, but he kept following. We stopped for a pickup, and I walked towards him, not wanting to scare him. I said simply and calmly "you need to go back to your parents". He turned around immediately, which I hadn't expected. His father had noticed he was missing, and was walking down the road already. His 3 sisters (?) had just been watching him, but they were about the same age.
My driver had come back to help me with the load, and I told him the kid was cute, but it was dangerous, since it was. I shared I'd been with another driver who'd not been so nice to a kid following our truck before. I felt good I'd not "punished" the child with words. (that made me cry)
I'm affected now. I am an adult, but emotionally, I feel like a young child. So be it.
I want to be FREE!
