11-03-2018, 07:07 PM
I've run E2 at 40% on ultrasonic the last 2 nights. No dreams, but something is stirring. I turned it on at work today, and I was quite focused and unfearful. Tonight I went to my friend's house to play our game, and I turned it on while in my pocket. I turned it on because I was tired and concerned about being moody. My mood flipped nicely, and I wasn't short at all. Nice.
I did talk with my former sponsor about my goals tonight, and I realized I'm unsure exactly where I want to go externally. I'm thinking about relationships, but fears of me hiding me have been on my mind. What I truly want internally I experienced on UD, and that was a consistent honesty with myself. I am still not relaxed or confident with me placating anyone or everyone else, since it hides me from myself. E2 just brushes the edge of it, it takes some emotional focus, and I experienced this while talking tonight. However, I got pretty frustrated seeking my truth constantly, for it kept trying to run and hide, and it did regularly as I got talking. And from my memory banks, UD was like OGSF on steroids; no fear, just truth. And nothing but the truth. Living without lying to myself made life much easier
Lastly, I actually heard something tonight from my former sponsor. I shared how I'd noticed less results and achievement of a sub's goals when I forfeited it by quitting sooner than 90 days. His eyes widened, and he brought up something I've heard in various 12 step groups. In AA, new people are strongly encouraged to do "90 in 90", meaning 90 meetings in 90 days. For the experience, I've done it, and it feels good knowing I'm going to a safe and familiar meeting each and every day. It actually is enjoyable after a week or so knowing I'm not alone, and never need to be. He's in NA, and even the chips denoting clean time achieved are in 30 days, 90 days, 6 months, and a year. He said there's a reason the chips are in 3 month stretches (less the 30 day). He said "it's because they know it works". Something changes in the brain after such time periods, and it should be celebrated. This was motivating to me, for I've passed 90 days. I've just not committed to a completion time yet. Reason? Fear. The fear is that I'll be stuck in my pain. Avoiding committing ........is just me avoiding that fear. Fear is making me avoid fear? That doesn't sound right. But my feelings say that.
I did talk with my former sponsor about my goals tonight, and I realized I'm unsure exactly where I want to go externally. I'm thinking about relationships, but fears of me hiding me have been on my mind. What I truly want internally I experienced on UD, and that was a consistent honesty with myself. I am still not relaxed or confident with me placating anyone or everyone else, since it hides me from myself. E2 just brushes the edge of it, it takes some emotional focus, and I experienced this while talking tonight. However, I got pretty frustrated seeking my truth constantly, for it kept trying to run and hide, and it did regularly as I got talking. And from my memory banks, UD was like OGSF on steroids; no fear, just truth. And nothing but the truth. Living without lying to myself made life much easier
Lastly, I actually heard something tonight from my former sponsor. I shared how I'd noticed less results and achievement of a sub's goals when I forfeited it by quitting sooner than 90 days. His eyes widened, and he brought up something I've heard in various 12 step groups. In AA, new people are strongly encouraged to do "90 in 90", meaning 90 meetings in 90 days. For the experience, I've done it, and it feels good knowing I'm going to a safe and familiar meeting each and every day. It actually is enjoyable after a week or so knowing I'm not alone, and never need to be. He's in NA, and even the chips denoting clean time achieved are in 30 days, 90 days, 6 months, and a year. He said there's a reason the chips are in 3 month stretches (less the 30 day). He said "it's because they know it works". Something changes in the brain after such time periods, and it should be celebrated. This was motivating to me, for I've passed 90 days. I've just not committed to a completion time yet. Reason? Fear. The fear is that I'll be stuck in my pain. Avoiding committing ........is just me avoiding that fear. Fear is making me avoid fear? That doesn't sound right. But my feelings say that.
I want to be FREE!
