10-30-2018, 02:25 PM
I'm wondering "can one have TID for USLM?"
I'm asking since I've had an awareness shift today. Like I wanted to get home today, so I could see what I've been formulating over the last weeks, though it's all been in my head. I tried to dismiss it from awareness so I could focus at work, but it persisted. I realized this while with my coworker sometime after lunch, for I see now I stuff my ideas and creative streaks a lot since......well, I'm afraid of my boss. I've given him power in my mind........ Damn, I just realized I treat him exactly like I've done with my mom and ex-wife: I give, expecting some returned expression of love. Money is not my real reason I work there, as the male relationships have meant more to me. And the head boss actually requested me for my position, and I took it as a "possibility" I'd be loved, if this makes sense.
Anyway, I've stuffed a lot of ideas and thoughts to (hopefully) gain his love and appreciation--I was looking for "my place" where I could.........fix something or someone so I might be loved. I've "waited" on it, exactly like I've done with others. Even writing that......felt weird, not good for me, and not best for anyone. I'm "anyone".
I thought I'd write about TID, but obviously my relationships are on my mind. I'm listening to E2 too though. It finds my internal conflicts. I've feared success in the online business world since, in my emotional state, I feared me abandoning my coworkers and workplace. And I greatly feared feeling my own abandonment pain by turning away people I'd begun to trust.
And now, I feel some grief in my chest and throat. Why? I am having a woman trade for me, I'm gaining steadily, and my mind has been formulating investing profits into different business ideas. I look forward to this.
The grief is a "knowing", a mature understanding seeing me outside my sick understandings (things I cling to), seeing me freer than I see myself right now. I am PERFECTLY ok with this. I even think it's the "pulling myself into the future" which E2 does.
It seems.....there really is a time for everything under the sun. Even change, for me.
I'm asking since I've had an awareness shift today. Like I wanted to get home today, so I could see what I've been formulating over the last weeks, though it's all been in my head. I tried to dismiss it from awareness so I could focus at work, but it persisted. I realized this while with my coworker sometime after lunch, for I see now I stuff my ideas and creative streaks a lot since......well, I'm afraid of my boss. I've given him power in my mind........ Damn, I just realized I treat him exactly like I've done with my mom and ex-wife: I give, expecting some returned expression of love. Money is not my real reason I work there, as the male relationships have meant more to me. And the head boss actually requested me for my position, and I took it as a "possibility" I'd be loved, if this makes sense.
Anyway, I've stuffed a lot of ideas and thoughts to (hopefully) gain his love and appreciation--I was looking for "my place" where I could.........fix something or someone so I might be loved. I've "waited" on it, exactly like I've done with others. Even writing that......felt weird, not good for me, and not best for anyone. I'm "anyone".
I thought I'd write about TID, but obviously my relationships are on my mind. I'm listening to E2 too though. It finds my internal conflicts. I've feared success in the online business world since, in my emotional state, I feared me abandoning my coworkers and workplace. And I greatly feared feeling my own abandonment pain by turning away people I'd begun to trust.
And now, I feel some grief in my chest and throat. Why? I am having a woman trade for me, I'm gaining steadily, and my mind has been formulating investing profits into different business ideas. I look forward to this.
The grief is a "knowing", a mature understanding seeing me outside my sick understandings (things I cling to), seeing me freer than I see myself right now. I am PERFECTLY ok with this. I even think it's the "pulling myself into the future" which E2 does.
It seems.....there really is a time for everything under the sun. Even change, for me.
I want to be FREE!
