10-09-2018, 09:30 PM
Day 92
I am becoming more and more aware of my fear of success and fear of becoming rich. I know I had this fear from a long time but now its coming to the forefront. All my life, in every activity I undertake in the start I am overachieving my goals and then suddenly everything stops. My inner self refuse to move forward. its like you are standing at the edge and refuse to take the leap. How much I talk to myself, how much I reason with myself, my inner self is rock solid and refuse to budge. I think after running E2 I will go and run US / LM and see if it makes any difference.
I change / move things in such a way that I am not facing the edge in my normal life. Now after running the sub I feel i am again at the edge and i have to face it. But it seems I am tied to the ground / back. I do not have the courage to jump. I am just sitting watching life go by. For example, I started this online business had good success in the start and then just abandoned it for no apparent reason than self sabotage. A few days back i made a plan a rock solid plan which I am confident will make my business successful but everyday I open things / website / excel sheet and look at it and then think ok I will do start work again some other day. its like i am tied from the back and my mind accepts this limitation and acts accordingly.
This started in my childhood. At that time i was at the top of my class had a close female friend. When the abuse started I started linking it to my success in school and my friendship with a girl. The boys who were abusing me were at the lower side of studies and had no girl in their friend circle. Somehow I linked my abuse to the above reasons which now in my adult life I find stupid but cannot change the association so far. I immediately stopped talking to my friend out of fear and shame. My self esteem went down. My studies continued downward spiral to a level where i was advancing in my classes but not performing well. This continued my whole life. I continued to make effort necessary to keep alive or just at an average level but not excel. I still put half effort in my job just surviving.
I am becoming more and more aware of my fear of success and fear of becoming rich. I know I had this fear from a long time but now its coming to the forefront. All my life, in every activity I undertake in the start I am overachieving my goals and then suddenly everything stops. My inner self refuse to move forward. its like you are standing at the edge and refuse to take the leap. How much I talk to myself, how much I reason with myself, my inner self is rock solid and refuse to budge. I think after running E2 I will go and run US / LM and see if it makes any difference.
I change / move things in such a way that I am not facing the edge in my normal life. Now after running the sub I feel i am again at the edge and i have to face it. But it seems I am tied to the ground / back. I do not have the courage to jump. I am just sitting watching life go by. For example, I started this online business had good success in the start and then just abandoned it for no apparent reason than self sabotage. A few days back i made a plan a rock solid plan which I am confident will make my business successful but everyday I open things / website / excel sheet and look at it and then think ok I will do start work again some other day. its like i am tied from the back and my mind accepts this limitation and acts accordingly.
This started in my childhood. At that time i was at the top of my class had a close female friend. When the abuse started I started linking it to my success in school and my friendship with a girl. The boys who were abusing me were at the lower side of studies and had no girl in their friend circle. Somehow I linked my abuse to the above reasons which now in my adult life I find stupid but cannot change the association so far. I immediately stopped talking to my friend out of fear and shame. My self esteem went down. My studies continued downward spiral to a level where i was advancing in my classes but not performing well. This continued my whole life. I continued to make effort necessary to keep alive or just at an average level but not excel. I still put half effort in my job just surviving.
E1 182 days: E2 127 days: USLM3 317 days: UMS 210 days...
