I am going to share something that happened yesterday. It touched me deeply. E2 chipped away at my mental fortress of distancing everyone in my life. I've done this so I wouldn't be hurt.
It started out in the morning, reading some rule 4 stuff. I was challenged to take. Just take. The message was here we are on a transactional playfield, but not all relationships are based on the "I receive since I gave too". This challenged me since.......that's how adults live. Don't they? I've been living by this the vast majority of my life.
Then, after coming home from work, I contacted my trader, a female. I'd been setting up one trading platform (BTC), had experienced some delays this week, and Friday night I was cleared, so I finished opening the account. I felt miffed when I was directed to another trading platform on Saturday. I asked "did I waste my time opening that account?" and was told their rates had dropped, so another was better at the moment.
I felt used, plus I wondered if I was being taken, as I've been lied to before. E2 had me slightly pissed, so I rode on the emotion that "women can be really untrustworthy". I had a game to play with some guy friends in the next town, so I left, knowing I'd stop at the dollar store.
I'll share I was nervous about estranging people in my anger, as noone in person had wronged me. I thought about this when I arrived at the dollar store, my weekly ritual to pick up work snacks and household items. I walked in, purposefully avoiding eye contact with people, as it was decently busy.
I chose to speak with the male clerk in the aisle, as I know his job of restocking is constant, and we talked a minute. One cute girl was in there......I picked up she'd seen me, but I realized she was trying to avoid eye contact. Maybe it's just in my head. But when an attractive woman begins acting nervous while looking for supplies, I'm reading she's nervous about me when we were looking for attention just moments ago.
So, I got my stuff and got in line, still holding my anger inside. 2 things touched me, back to back. I was vulnerable, so I felt these little things.
I moved my stuff easily in line, and paid. The clerk said, "Thank you Mr. *****" (my name). How'd he know my name? I'd paid with my debit. I took it as an act of respect.
Then....immediately after that, I picked up my bags and turned towards the door. A woman, a customer in her late 70's or 80's, had opened the door for me, beaming a big, happy smile. I said loudly "Thank you very much" to let her know I appreciated it. And that's what broke me.
I walked to my scooter, feeling like my emotions had become jello. Tears came to my eyes, I loaded my stuff, and cried on and off riding to my friend's house. I rode slowly at first, to allow for the tears and emotion coming up.
I realized I thought EVERY relationship was based on some transaction where I give something to get something. I'd done absolutely nothing for that lady. She WANTED to help me, and did so freely. My angry wall fell when she did that.
I got to my friend's house, I was asked "how're you doing?", and I replied "mushy. I feel real vulernable right now". He first said "uh oh". He asked why, and I shared I'd try but I knew I needed to cry, and I did while sharing. I shared how my transactional mindset had just been challenged, and he understood when I shared what happened. I've been keeping my guard up by not giving to people, for then they'll try to give back, and I'll be indebted to them emotionally. And this woman I'd given nothing to. She gave freely to me, seeking nothing in return. This broke me.
I am not sure what E2 opened up in me, but this still makes me cry.
It started out in the morning, reading some rule 4 stuff. I was challenged to take. Just take. The message was here we are on a transactional playfield, but not all relationships are based on the "I receive since I gave too". This challenged me since.......that's how adults live. Don't they? I've been living by this the vast majority of my life.
Then, after coming home from work, I contacted my trader, a female. I'd been setting up one trading platform (BTC), had experienced some delays this week, and Friday night I was cleared, so I finished opening the account. I felt miffed when I was directed to another trading platform on Saturday. I asked "did I waste my time opening that account?" and was told their rates had dropped, so another was better at the moment.
I felt used, plus I wondered if I was being taken, as I've been lied to before. E2 had me slightly pissed, so I rode on the emotion that "women can be really untrustworthy". I had a game to play with some guy friends in the next town, so I left, knowing I'd stop at the dollar store.
I'll share I was nervous about estranging people in my anger, as noone in person had wronged me. I thought about this when I arrived at the dollar store, my weekly ritual to pick up work snacks and household items. I walked in, purposefully avoiding eye contact with people, as it was decently busy.
I chose to speak with the male clerk in the aisle, as I know his job of restocking is constant, and we talked a minute. One cute girl was in there......I picked up she'd seen me, but I realized she was trying to avoid eye contact. Maybe it's just in my head. But when an attractive woman begins acting nervous while looking for supplies, I'm reading she's nervous about me when we were looking for attention just moments ago.
So, I got my stuff and got in line, still holding my anger inside. 2 things touched me, back to back. I was vulnerable, so I felt these little things.
I moved my stuff easily in line, and paid. The clerk said, "Thank you Mr. *****" (my name). How'd he know my name? I'd paid with my debit. I took it as an act of respect.
Then....immediately after that, I picked up my bags and turned towards the door. A woman, a customer in her late 70's or 80's, had opened the door for me, beaming a big, happy smile. I said loudly "Thank you very much" to let her know I appreciated it. And that's what broke me.
I walked to my scooter, feeling like my emotions had become jello. Tears came to my eyes, I loaded my stuff, and cried on and off riding to my friend's house. I rode slowly at first, to allow for the tears and emotion coming up.
I realized I thought EVERY relationship was based on some transaction where I give something to get something. I'd done absolutely nothing for that lady. She WANTED to help me, and did so freely. My angry wall fell when she did that.
I got to my friend's house, I was asked "how're you doing?", and I replied "mushy. I feel real vulernable right now". He first said "uh oh". He asked why, and I shared I'd try but I knew I needed to cry, and I did while sharing. I shared how my transactional mindset had just been challenged, and he understood when I shared what happened. I've been keeping my guard up by not giving to people, for then they'll try to give back, and I'll be indebted to them emotionally. And this woman I'd given nothing to. She gave freely to me, seeking nothing in return. This broke me.
I am not sure what E2 opened up in me, but this still makes me cry.
I want to be FREE!
