"If something doesn't challenge you, you can't grow from it"
I thought of E2 when I read this on IG when I came home, as I've been fighting it from finding my junk and changing me lately. But.....even before coming home, I circled in my head since my home, a room I've rented the last 7 years, is changing. My understandings are changing. As I write, I think of my norm of coming home and hiding to feel safe. Coming home and hiding has been my daily norm and reprieve for all these years. Something is changing; I'm just not sure what's happening.
I thought hiding was......normal, and needed. It was how people disconnected from others who were seen as dangerous. Something feels sad inside me.
And are today's happenings connected? (crying now, not sure why)
Since we were short drivers today, I worked with a young black driver who's quiet but very attentive. He's worked here 6 months, but I'd never talked to him. I actually spoke to him my first time in the bathroom last Friday, passing each other. Well, today we both relaxed working together, even laughing a good bit. At the end of the day he shared something which touches me the more I think of it.
He said he needed help on his route last Friday, and he sought out our management to find help. They found some of my workers, and asked each if they were willing to work with the driver. I was told each said clearly "no. I want to stay here. I want to work with findingme." This driver was, of course, disappointed not finding help then, but his sharing this just hours ago is hitting me now.
I've not thought I was important or even wanted, I've hid from people and places to not be reminded of this feeling, and to not feel the pain of old, unloving relationships. I'm crying on and off now.
People wanted to be around me.
Why?
What is healing in me?
I want to be FREE!
