I was just reading Mat422's journal, and I'm unsure of myself moving forward. Meaning I'm purposefully digging into my past and that's good for a season. Yet I'm still really plagued by the lack of self confidence and self doubt, the latter bothering me more.
This last week, I wrote one day about making a decision and not doubting myself. Maybe the voice got louder, bolder, and braver after running UD, but it signals to me that I'm still falling back into a comfy (now uncomfortable) survival habit of lying to myself. I did not doubt myself that one time, and I knew right away I was telling the truth. Life is so much easier when I'm not questioning and doubting every decision I make, wondering "was that true?" And simultaneously, that subconscious part of me is fighting for me to live in a dreamy sort of lie.
I am thinking of going back to UD for this after Halloween. While I wrote that last sentence, the oppositional voice got loud. Like "oh no! (discourage, discourage, discourage).
I probably will. Facing now has been difficult lately on E2, and that is my biggest challenge while facing reality. Facing now, both the good and the bad, tells me how healthy I actually am. UD powerfully broke through my fears of seeing the now, which brought tears, for the lie was the biggest hideout of my life.
I'll wait for it. I've wondered if my truthful moment this week was a slightly weaker OE since it was the first in 5.5. I did relax internally in it. Me not lying allowed me to drop my guard and just BE.
This last week, I wrote one day about making a decision and not doubting myself. Maybe the voice got louder, bolder, and braver after running UD, but it signals to me that I'm still falling back into a comfy (now uncomfortable) survival habit of lying to myself. I did not doubt myself that one time, and I knew right away I was telling the truth. Life is so much easier when I'm not questioning and doubting every decision I make, wondering "was that true?" And simultaneously, that subconscious part of me is fighting for me to live in a dreamy sort of lie.
I am thinking of going back to UD for this after Halloween. While I wrote that last sentence, the oppositional voice got loud. Like "oh no! (discourage, discourage, discourage).
I probably will. Facing now has been difficult lately on E2, and that is my biggest challenge while facing reality. Facing now, both the good and the bad, tells me how healthy I actually am. UD powerfully broke through my fears of seeing the now, which brought tears, for the lie was the biggest hideout of my life.
I'll wait for it. I've wondered if my truthful moment this week was a slightly weaker OE since it was the first in 5.5. I did relax internally in it. Me not lying allowed me to drop my guard and just BE.
I want to be FREE!
