What I'm dealing with now: trusting myself. I had success being me today; why am I scared?
E2 is picking at beliefs I've had---or rather the barriers to moving beyond encrusted beliefs which began during significant traumas in my past. Something in me, which is a lot of me, is being touched. I'm vulnerable at this moment.
This morning, I asked my rule 4 character for help today, and I think I got it. 2 temp workers came in to help me in my area, and I fell comfortably and successfully into my old teacher/guide role. Both were lesbian women who were strangers to each other, but I relaxed them explaining and showing them what we were doing, what they could expect, and what was expected of them. I almost felt like a cheerleader in my excitement--I was excited since I was relating successfully and explaining clearly, plus actually praising each regularly. It felt like my old teaching days. My job was to show them how to do their assignment, then celebrate when they got it. It was fun and not cumbersome with them being women. In fact, both opened up to me during my rather short time with them (maybe 2 hours--I was needed elsewhere then).
One was a ex-Navy SeaBee who'd served in Kuwait. She shared some of her experience there, and I told her I was quite impressed as I'd never known a woman combat vet. And she just bought a house and her girlfriend is expecting a baby in a few weeks.
The other I thought was a guy originally--short hair and not curvy at all. Though she was less vocal, it was cool to see her response when I praised her for something she'd done. And 30 minutes in, I told her she looked tired. She opened up saying lots of stuff was on her mind. Her girlfriend was a creep, and she was not looking after their baby. All I did was listen and hear her real feelings.
I did learn at the end of the day that both will be back Monday, which is good news to me. I made them feel welcome and comfortable in a new place, which was how I was treated in another company 3 years back doing similar work. I would have stayed with that company for years for that exact reason. I felt good being treated like I was valuable, and it stuck with me.
When I was reassigned to another task 2 hours in with another employee, I shined there too. I felt like I was.......showing off to heterosexual women, who were plentiful on the roads today. I was on my feet, running, and I felt really good doing it. I kept it up the entire day. It was a rush, and I vocalized this to my driver.
So, what hit me? I did have E2 playing on my phone.
I noticed I felt nervous--truth here--with the male driver the latter half of the day. The truck was loud, so talking was infrequent, and I'd have this twinge of resentment when he spoke since I couldn't really understand him. It wasn't resentment at him, it was an old feeling of helplessness in a man to man situation. (Edit: it was resentment at myself. I blamed myself for not fixing the situation, if it were even possible) My brother feelings and fears surfaced--namely abandonment. My only coping mechanism, then and today, was to find a reason to make him the bad guy ("he's ignoring me, the a**hole"). Though it didn't pop up loudly, it was there. It was: I was looking for a reason to abandon him and make him the bad guy. That's my old survival strategy.
I'm just.......different now. I'm not swimming in fear, though I feel it. Sadness is in my throat, and I'm......not fully comfortable with it. I'm trying to trust myself, and I feel like I'm fighting ME doing this. Like I'm trying to keep in my safe, uncomfortable world. Part of me wants to let go, and the angry part is slowly breaking down. In my mind, I see him agonizing loudly, weeping, hurt and feeling the pain like it happened yesterday.
I'm running E2 now, seeking some comforting or resolution. I just keep thinking "I might f*** this up". Like I'm looking for reasons to abandon myself now. F***
Going to get to bed now before I dig too deep. Sleep may do me wonders.
E2 is picking at beliefs I've had---or rather the barriers to moving beyond encrusted beliefs which began during significant traumas in my past. Something in me, which is a lot of me, is being touched. I'm vulnerable at this moment.
This morning, I asked my rule 4 character for help today, and I think I got it. 2 temp workers came in to help me in my area, and I fell comfortably and successfully into my old teacher/guide role. Both were lesbian women who were strangers to each other, but I relaxed them explaining and showing them what we were doing, what they could expect, and what was expected of them. I almost felt like a cheerleader in my excitement--I was excited since I was relating successfully and explaining clearly, plus actually praising each regularly. It felt like my old teaching days. My job was to show them how to do their assignment, then celebrate when they got it. It was fun and not cumbersome with them being women. In fact, both opened up to me during my rather short time with them (maybe 2 hours--I was needed elsewhere then).
One was a ex-Navy SeaBee who'd served in Kuwait. She shared some of her experience there, and I told her I was quite impressed as I'd never known a woman combat vet. And she just bought a house and her girlfriend is expecting a baby in a few weeks.
The other I thought was a guy originally--short hair and not curvy at all. Though she was less vocal, it was cool to see her response when I praised her for something she'd done. And 30 minutes in, I told her she looked tired. She opened up saying lots of stuff was on her mind. Her girlfriend was a creep, and she was not looking after their baby. All I did was listen and hear her real feelings.
I did learn at the end of the day that both will be back Monday, which is good news to me. I made them feel welcome and comfortable in a new place, which was how I was treated in another company 3 years back doing similar work. I would have stayed with that company for years for that exact reason. I felt good being treated like I was valuable, and it stuck with me.
When I was reassigned to another task 2 hours in with another employee, I shined there too. I felt like I was.......showing off to heterosexual women, who were plentiful on the roads today. I was on my feet, running, and I felt really good doing it. I kept it up the entire day. It was a rush, and I vocalized this to my driver.
So, what hit me? I did have E2 playing on my phone.
I noticed I felt nervous--truth here--with the male driver the latter half of the day. The truck was loud, so talking was infrequent, and I'd have this twinge of resentment when he spoke since I couldn't really understand him. It wasn't resentment at him, it was an old feeling of helplessness in a man to man situation. (Edit: it was resentment at myself. I blamed myself for not fixing the situation, if it were even possible) My brother feelings and fears surfaced--namely abandonment. My only coping mechanism, then and today, was to find a reason to make him the bad guy ("he's ignoring me, the a**hole"). Though it didn't pop up loudly, it was there. It was: I was looking for a reason to abandon him and make him the bad guy. That's my old survival strategy.
I'm just.......different now. I'm not swimming in fear, though I feel it. Sadness is in my throat, and I'm......not fully comfortable with it. I'm trying to trust myself, and I feel like I'm fighting ME doing this. Like I'm trying to keep in my safe, uncomfortable world. Part of me wants to let go, and the angry part is slowly breaking down. In my mind, I see him agonizing loudly, weeping, hurt and feeling the pain like it happened yesterday.
I'm running E2 now, seeking some comforting or resolution. I just keep thinking "I might f*** this up". Like I'm looking for reasons to abandon myself now. F***
Going to get to bed now before I dig too deep. Sleep may do me wonders.
I want to be FREE!
