08-26-2018, 12:43 PM
I've been stirring today. Not self pity, but anger at my normal trains of thought. I've been afraid to change things right in front of me, be it in business, relationships, or whatever I've had desires for. I'm isolating my lifestyle here for myself, as I'm really not comfortable doing the same thing over and over, still getting the same results.
I've sat and watched others most of my life. It was "safe".
I've sat by, hoping someone would "pick me", meaning believe in me, and the overwhelming majority (rightly so) do not do that.
I'm getting pissed at my life setup, for my problems I'VE CREATED. Whether in relationships, business, or any other setting, I've followed fear hoping I'd not get hurt or shamed. I'm seeing it now.
I've lived for you (ANYBODY ELSE), not myself. Relevant to that, I was the 3rd child of 4. I had it easy, as I learned to adapt to fit in. It worked back then, but 40 years have passed, and I'm not inspired presently to make waves, piss people off, etc.
I'm getting pissed now since I'm not speaking up to people and situations I don't want. Well, doing this alone I've not. Yesterday, while driving to my old sponsor's house to play our game, I knew I could and would speak to him, me preparing to take on some advice and responsibility. Why? I realized yesterday I did NOT want to visit my mom today. This had been growing in me, and I'd been stifling this dissent in myself. I shared this with him, and he didn't make it complicated (maybe I've hid in complexity). My brother was with my mom, and I didn't want to visit her since she TAKES, I know she hasn't changed at all, and I've allowed it. I felt a demanding guilt about it........but something in me is so sick of being drained when around her. I texted my brother last night that I'd not be over.
Which leaves me here at home, unhappy in my "keep the peace" mentality. I'm smiling at the huge irony here, since that has been how I've been "successful" in many relationships and jobs, and now I feel like a loser doing it, not standing up for myself. That last truth is why I'm looking forward to AM6.
I'm pissed still since I'm doing the same thing, the "I'm your man" face , to my boss. I've tried to get on his good side by being a "yes man", but as a New Yorker, he has less respect for this. I'm in the spot currently where I'm trying to earn his trust, but also having strong desires to **** up my situation since I don't know how or know what needs changing, and it leaves me afraid to take my stand. I'm just venting now.
This is all very unusual for me. I must be changing.
I've sat and watched others most of my life. It was "safe".
I've sat by, hoping someone would "pick me", meaning believe in me, and the overwhelming majority (rightly so) do not do that.
I'm getting pissed at my life setup, for my problems I'VE CREATED. Whether in relationships, business, or any other setting, I've followed fear hoping I'd not get hurt or shamed. I'm seeing it now.
I've lived for you (ANYBODY ELSE), not myself. Relevant to that, I was the 3rd child of 4. I had it easy, as I learned to adapt to fit in. It worked back then, but 40 years have passed, and I'm not inspired presently to make waves, piss people off, etc.
I'm getting pissed now since I'm not speaking up to people and situations I don't want. Well, doing this alone I've not. Yesterday, while driving to my old sponsor's house to play our game, I knew I could and would speak to him, me preparing to take on some advice and responsibility. Why? I realized yesterday I did NOT want to visit my mom today. This had been growing in me, and I'd been stifling this dissent in myself. I shared this with him, and he didn't make it complicated (maybe I've hid in complexity). My brother was with my mom, and I didn't want to visit her since she TAKES, I know she hasn't changed at all, and I've allowed it. I felt a demanding guilt about it........but something in me is so sick of being drained when around her. I texted my brother last night that I'd not be over.
Which leaves me here at home, unhappy in my "keep the peace" mentality. I'm smiling at the huge irony here, since that has been how I've been "successful" in many relationships and jobs, and now I feel like a loser doing it, not standing up for myself. That last truth is why I'm looking forward to AM6.
I'm pissed still since I'm doing the same thing, the "I'm your man" face , to my boss. I've tried to get on his good side by being a "yes man", but as a New Yorker, he has less respect for this. I'm in the spot currently where I'm trying to earn his trust, but also having strong desires to **** up my situation since I don't know how or know what needs changing, and it leaves me afraid to take my stand. I'm just venting now.
This is all very unusual for me. I must be changing.
I want to be FREE!
