08-12-2018, 03:56 PM
I'm wondering something, and I may see answers while I write, so here goes.
I've been PMing with a member here today, and I shared I was on E2 presently. It was suggested that DMSI might be better for these issues. I was defending my stance on E2, and something hit me.
Do I rely upon and depend on anger towards my mom? Yes, I do. It's the only thing I've ever used to make boundaries for myself. She'd have me living with her, and she "wants" to be taken care of, by all her actions. My brother's presently filling that caretaker role--and he's a mean bastard in response to it. On DMSI I really, really pushed away from her, that bothered me (it GREATLY bothered her), and...........I'm uncertain what healthy is with her presently.
I've "held" onto anger to defend myself from her manipulation. I've also not mentioned it so far, but the elephant in the room is she's a dawn to dusk alcoholic. She's very rarely been sober, and it isolates her.
But......my wondering is "what is healthy for me when this is all she knows?" And would I recognize it? I estranged her from myself while on DMSI, like I've stated. On the other end, a young guy on DMSI has a thread since he lives at home still, and NEEDS to move out since he's sick of the manipulation his mom uses. It gives me hope since, well, I assumed (common lately) that discomfort was all I'd ever feel. I didn't think I'd get past my emotional and relational discomfort while on it. His words are energizing. He's mad, yes, but it's prompting ACTION, which is how change happens. I was angry a lot. Even one female trader I interact with on IG noticed my repulsion toward stupid BS manipulation passed off as her being a "woman". I wasn't ok with it, and I let her know.
This gives hope for returning to DMSI.
.....but I'm on E2 since my male relationships have been surfacing on it. I thought DMSI only dealt with issues relating to the sex we're attracted to. I'm open to correction if I'm wrong.
I've been PMing with a member here today, and I shared I was on E2 presently. It was suggested that DMSI might be better for these issues. I was defending my stance on E2, and something hit me.
Do I rely upon and depend on anger towards my mom? Yes, I do. It's the only thing I've ever used to make boundaries for myself. She'd have me living with her, and she "wants" to be taken care of, by all her actions. My brother's presently filling that caretaker role--and he's a mean bastard in response to it. On DMSI I really, really pushed away from her, that bothered me (it GREATLY bothered her), and...........I'm uncertain what healthy is with her presently.
I've "held" onto anger to defend myself from her manipulation. I've also not mentioned it so far, but the elephant in the room is she's a dawn to dusk alcoholic. She's very rarely been sober, and it isolates her.
But......my wondering is "what is healthy for me when this is all she knows?" And would I recognize it? I estranged her from myself while on DMSI, like I've stated. On the other end, a young guy on DMSI has a thread since he lives at home still, and NEEDS to move out since he's sick of the manipulation his mom uses. It gives me hope since, well, I assumed (common lately) that discomfort was all I'd ever feel. I didn't think I'd get past my emotional and relational discomfort while on it. His words are energizing. He's mad, yes, but it's prompting ACTION, which is how change happens. I was angry a lot. Even one female trader I interact with on IG noticed my repulsion toward stupid BS manipulation passed off as her being a "woman". I wasn't ok with it, and I let her know.
This gives hope for returning to DMSI.
.....but I'm on E2 since my male relationships have been surfacing on it. I thought DMSI only dealt with issues relating to the sex we're attracted to. I'm open to correction if I'm wrong.
I want to be FREE!
