03-18-2017, 12:57 PM
The gf came over and realized that she caught a nasty stomach bug, so I put us both on MIR 5.5G some 20 hours ago. So it's been nearly two days since my last loops, and I'll get the next ones in tomorrow, it seems.
I'm burning up inside, emotionally. I hate that I make myself so weak, and that I feel like I have to. Expectations, responsibilities, paths and trajectories in life, seeming lack of vision and possibilities (mostly due to all that energy, focus, and time lost in dealing with all those former items).
There are some times when I express fully. Hitting the heavy bag or mitts, for one. It just feels so different. One close friend especially, if we happen to be in the same head space and we're going for something, then its really on. When I used to go clubbing or otherwise hit on women, and it hooked. Good sex when I don't feel like I have to hold back or be considerate or such. Really getting into and learning about something interesting. Planning such things. Some guitar stuff in the past. Music. Dancing sometimes. Elliot Hulse's weird tribal jump and make noise exercise. Actually even one or two times arguing when I've really let go trying to accommodate.
Common about the above:
+ not holding back
+ not alone (the best ones I'm always sharing with one or more persons)
+ joy
+ short, fleeting moments
+ feeling gratified afterwards
Its not a new thing for me to dwell on this by any means, but its quite strong now. Love it. I know life can't be fireworks all the time and that one should be freaking grateful for what one has, but still, I hate that I cut my own strength so willingly in everyday life. I want to own it, but I guess I still don't feel ready, and when the job and the gf and rent and all those things require the energy, its so easy to just play along. That's why I've always loved these buildups, in a way.
I'm burning up inside, emotionally. I hate that I make myself so weak, and that I feel like I have to. Expectations, responsibilities, paths and trajectories in life, seeming lack of vision and possibilities (mostly due to all that energy, focus, and time lost in dealing with all those former items).
There are some times when I express fully. Hitting the heavy bag or mitts, for one. It just feels so different. One close friend especially, if we happen to be in the same head space and we're going for something, then its really on. When I used to go clubbing or otherwise hit on women, and it hooked. Good sex when I don't feel like I have to hold back or be considerate or such. Really getting into and learning about something interesting. Planning such things. Some guitar stuff in the past. Music. Dancing sometimes. Elliot Hulse's weird tribal jump and make noise exercise. Actually even one or two times arguing when I've really let go trying to accommodate.
Common about the above:
+ not holding back
+ not alone (the best ones I'm always sharing with one or more persons)
+ joy
+ short, fleeting moments
+ feeling gratified afterwards
Its not a new thing for me to dwell on this by any means, but its quite strong now. Love it. I know life can't be fireworks all the time and that one should be freaking grateful for what one has, but still, I hate that I cut my own strength so willingly in everyday life. I want to own it, but I guess I still don't feel ready, and when the job and the gf and rent and all those things require the energy, its so easy to just play along. That's why I've always loved these buildups, in a way.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
