12-19-2016, 06:32 PM
Day 18
Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XeCp-Zd9EU
I'm back on A for the past three days. I decided to stay on A this time for two weeks, before switching back to B. I think a week on either side is too short to notice the full benefits of the subs.
Also, I don't remember who the exact poster(s) was that mentioned using Vox player, but whoever it was, thank you! I started off 2.3 using the FLAC version, but I always had issues with VLC player. With 2.4 I switched over to the MP3 version on iTunes.
Recently, as of Friday night actually, I downloaded VOX player and used the FLAC files again. The difference in how I am reacting to the sub is actually pretty staggering. The FLAC files are absolutely the way to go.
This weekend, even into today, has been kind of surreal for me. A lot of realizations have surfaced. About myself, my childhood, remnants of my past have found their way to me.
I didn't have dinner with my father last Friday due to the weather being terrible, and so we had gotten together today. We had a really frank conversation about several things, and both of us were pretty calm. Usually when I enter emotional territory with my father, it tends to get into emotionally charged conversations.
Today we talked, and my father was really forth coming with me about several of his feelings.
And I realized how different he and I are. I also realized how I hold myself back at times so that he can still relate to me some.
My father is incredibly intelligent, received dual masters in physics, and always believed in working hard.
I went to art school cuz the girls were hotter, never really bothered with academics at all, and I have a strong work ethic, but I believe more in working smart than just pursuing long hours at something.
My father is old fashioned, and he always believed that if he did for people, people should do back for him. He's got a strong moral compass.
Today he told me that he felt people have taken advantage of him his whole life. I told him it was true. But he allowed that to happen. In his efforts to be a good person, he encouraged certain behaviors. People reacted and he never corrected his actions.
I also told him he had too much anger buried inside of him at all times, and he needed to let it go. Otherwise it would always bring him down. He'd always play the victim.
I also told him that he's too afraid of the world. My father, for all of his intelligence, is extremely risk averse. And too trusting.
By the time I was done speaking to my father, I realized that even up until a few months ago, I shared similar traits to him. I've never been Risk Averse, but I have allowed people to take advantage of me. I assume that came from my own need for approval at one point.
Having such an open conversation with him over dinner, it was cathartic for me and I'm sure it was for my father as well. It allowed him to say what he was feeling for so long. It allowed me to also accept that I have to be who I am, I can't be someone just so that my father can relate to me easier.
I also tried reaching out to my childhood best friend over the past few weeks, but he never called me back. It was funny and sad at the same time. My childhood best friend was always competing with me, for one reason or another as we grew up. I knew him for almost 30 years. And over the past two months he just stopped talking to me. Looking at it now, it was for the best.
I feel like so much of the past 20 some odd years, all I've been doing is carrying unnecessary weight around. My own misplaced loyalties and faith in people.
And my greatest misplaced loyalty was to a woman that looked so much like my old girlfriend that passed away 23 years ago.
This year, pre-DMSI, she and I just stopped talking one day. I didn't understand what happened or why it happened. It just did.
Her birthday passed recently, and so I sent her an e-mail to wish her a happy birthday, and to say goodbye. I wanted my own closure I suppose. Something resolved.
I may send a similar e-mail to my friend. Writing things out has a finality to it. I hate leaving things unresolved. I always have.
I still have that lingering melancholy. It hasn't passed yet. Though, I know it will soon enough.
It seems that as I continue to say goodbye to the old me, I am saying goodbye to many of the people that were tied to it.
It's time anyway...
Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XeCp-Zd9EU
I'm back on A for the past three days. I decided to stay on A this time for two weeks, before switching back to B. I think a week on either side is too short to notice the full benefits of the subs.
Also, I don't remember who the exact poster(s) was that mentioned using Vox player, but whoever it was, thank you! I started off 2.3 using the FLAC version, but I always had issues with VLC player. With 2.4 I switched over to the MP3 version on iTunes.
Recently, as of Friday night actually, I downloaded VOX player and used the FLAC files again. The difference in how I am reacting to the sub is actually pretty staggering. The FLAC files are absolutely the way to go.
This weekend, even into today, has been kind of surreal for me. A lot of realizations have surfaced. About myself, my childhood, remnants of my past have found their way to me.
I didn't have dinner with my father last Friday due to the weather being terrible, and so we had gotten together today. We had a really frank conversation about several things, and both of us were pretty calm. Usually when I enter emotional territory with my father, it tends to get into emotionally charged conversations.
Today we talked, and my father was really forth coming with me about several of his feelings.
And I realized how different he and I are. I also realized how I hold myself back at times so that he can still relate to me some.
My father is incredibly intelligent, received dual masters in physics, and always believed in working hard.
I went to art school cuz the girls were hotter, never really bothered with academics at all, and I have a strong work ethic, but I believe more in working smart than just pursuing long hours at something.
My father is old fashioned, and he always believed that if he did for people, people should do back for him. He's got a strong moral compass.
Today he told me that he felt people have taken advantage of him his whole life. I told him it was true. But he allowed that to happen. In his efforts to be a good person, he encouraged certain behaviors. People reacted and he never corrected his actions.
I also told him he had too much anger buried inside of him at all times, and he needed to let it go. Otherwise it would always bring him down. He'd always play the victim.
I also told him that he's too afraid of the world. My father, for all of his intelligence, is extremely risk averse. And too trusting.
By the time I was done speaking to my father, I realized that even up until a few months ago, I shared similar traits to him. I've never been Risk Averse, but I have allowed people to take advantage of me. I assume that came from my own need for approval at one point.
Having such an open conversation with him over dinner, it was cathartic for me and I'm sure it was for my father as well. It allowed him to say what he was feeling for so long. It allowed me to also accept that I have to be who I am, I can't be someone just so that my father can relate to me easier.
I also tried reaching out to my childhood best friend over the past few weeks, but he never called me back. It was funny and sad at the same time. My childhood best friend was always competing with me, for one reason or another as we grew up. I knew him for almost 30 years. And over the past two months he just stopped talking to me. Looking at it now, it was for the best.
I feel like so much of the past 20 some odd years, all I've been doing is carrying unnecessary weight around. My own misplaced loyalties and faith in people.
And my greatest misplaced loyalty was to a woman that looked so much like my old girlfriend that passed away 23 years ago.
This year, pre-DMSI, she and I just stopped talking one day. I didn't understand what happened or why it happened. It just did.
Her birthday passed recently, and so I sent her an e-mail to wish her a happy birthday, and to say goodbye. I wanted my own closure I suppose. Something resolved.
I may send a similar e-mail to my friend. Writing things out has a finality to it. I hate leaving things unresolved. I always have.
I still have that lingering melancholy. It hasn't passed yet. Though, I know it will soon enough.
It seems that as I continue to say goodbye to the old me, I am saying goodbye to many of the people that were tied to it.
It's time anyway...
