11-12-2016, 11:55 PM
Well not only did I get more obsessed with jacking off, I stopped listening to E2 on my headphones, for about 2 months... I did listen all through the night with my ultrasonics though. But maybe the volume was too low, 4 on the iPod, with speakers across my room. Idk if it had any effect, but I did notice my anger was significantly lowered, but it has been returning progressively. Especially after I went to New York last week (with no E2 at all), I kinda just blew up when I returned home. I've also felt much more on edge and out of control since I stopped headphone E2. However I started it up yesterday again, and am hoping to keep it up at least till Christmas. Keeping this journal seems like a good way to keep me honest. kinda like homework.
The thing I want to have from the E2 headphone listening days most is that feeling of not collapsing down/making myself smaller, more vulnerable to please people. Cuz I think what I've become is that I'm either overly submissive/approval-seeking or I explode in anger and control and manipulate. I don't think I have an in between. I think I shut myself down (even in posture, make my voice softer, weaker, higher) cuz I think that angry, hate-filled dude is my true self and I have to hide that. I hope E2 can help to decrease that anger, hate, frustration, thirst for destruction, etc.... so that I can be more comfortable expressing who I am, cuz right now I feel like I gotta hide who I am. Like I act nice and stuff while at the same time thinking sinful (maybe even murderous) thoughts... I know I don't actually want to kill anyone but its that intense anger and hatred I feel towards every aspect of life, I know I have to hide.
Anyways, I haven't even started my college applications and they're due.. like idk... ... wow I actually don't know.. but probably December I want to say... I think I've been "motivated" with my music, but I think I just want to use my music to prove that I'm not a worthless piece of shit, it's not actual motivation. I have had some decent practice sessions, but most are uncomfortable with huge amounts of anger at how I can't even do the one thing I can be good at (if I worked harder)... I think at some point in life I really loved music, but I don't remember how that feels.
I think E2 is good. Idk if I can stick to it. Pretty sure I won't. Maybe that's setting me up for failure. tried to read half of a previous post and I can't. I feel like before Ive been so careful about what I'm saying. Right now the apathy (which I still can't spell when logging in) is strong and pretty overwhelming. Or maybe I just don't want to accept the piece of crap that I am so I don't read my posts. Anyways, maybe that should be another E2 goal: be comfortable enough to read my old journal posts.
The thing I want to have from the E2 headphone listening days most is that feeling of not collapsing down/making myself smaller, more vulnerable to please people. Cuz I think what I've become is that I'm either overly submissive/approval-seeking or I explode in anger and control and manipulate. I don't think I have an in between. I think I shut myself down (even in posture, make my voice softer, weaker, higher) cuz I think that angry, hate-filled dude is my true self and I have to hide that. I hope E2 can help to decrease that anger, hate, frustration, thirst for destruction, etc.... so that I can be more comfortable expressing who I am, cuz right now I feel like I gotta hide who I am. Like I act nice and stuff while at the same time thinking sinful (maybe even murderous) thoughts... I know I don't actually want to kill anyone but its that intense anger and hatred I feel towards every aspect of life, I know I have to hide.
Anyways, I haven't even started my college applications and they're due.. like idk... ... wow I actually don't know.. but probably December I want to say... I think I've been "motivated" with my music, but I think I just want to use my music to prove that I'm not a worthless piece of shit, it's not actual motivation. I have had some decent practice sessions, but most are uncomfortable with huge amounts of anger at how I can't even do the one thing I can be good at (if I worked harder)... I think at some point in life I really loved music, but I don't remember how that feels.
I think E2 is good. Idk if I can stick to it. Pretty sure I won't. Maybe that's setting me up for failure. tried to read half of a previous post and I can't. I feel like before Ive been so careful about what I'm saying. Right now the apathy (which I still can't spell when logging in) is strong and pretty overwhelming. Or maybe I just don't want to accept the piece of crap that I am so I don't read my posts. Anyways, maybe that should be another E2 goal: be comfortable enough to read my old journal posts.
