E2

[DisneylandUSA]

Been pretty lazy with this shit... I kinda haven't listened to E2 at all in the past 2 days with headphones... Still have it on all night with the ultrasonic though, but I put it on at such a low volume, 4 bars on ipod, don't know how effective it will be. So tempting to switch to this new DMSI thing, but I will keep onto E2. I think I'm going to aim for at least an hour on headphones, just an hour, which is much less intimidating than my usual 3. And for long term, I think I'm gonna try to stick with E2 till the first 6G (full version, after all that testing shit) comes out... Don't know how far away that'll be but I will hold off till then..

I've been spending at least 3 or 4 hours everyday on chaturbate.. I got myself way too obsessed with that site. I haven't spent too much money on porn but its definitely not a small amount.. I feel like these past days Ive been letting myself go, not tracking my progress on here and falling into old habits. The journaling will help if I keep to it everyday. That is a goal. Everyday journaling. No excuses. Idk when I set goals for myself, I've never been able to complete them.. But hey it's worth a try.

It seems like everything reverted to pre-E2, but I think I've seen what is possible, and just gotta make myself available. I tend to identify as an angry kid, a procrastinator, not being able to get anything done, etc.. like I own it, as if angry kid was my title, my label. I'll tell everyone I'm a procrastinator with confidence. But I know its possible to let go of that label. I don't have to own it. I think of myself as someone with no self control. Like that is my identity. But it doesn't have to be. I can let go of it, and allow change to happen. Idk why I talk about all this idealistic shit. But that's also a thing I feel like I own: a guy who never changes even though he talks a big game. Idk whats gonna happen, but I will try to make myself available for change.

I will have to say though, I've been dealing with anger pretty well. But loneliness still reigns over me. That makes me frustrated, tense and angry. Since I'm on a gap year, supposedly using it to catch up on schoolwork, I don't have to work or ever leave the house or anything. Course I end up jerking all day. No interaction with anyone whatsoever. What little friends I have are off to college. Only see my teachers/tutors. idk maybe i can find away to not feel lonely like how I was able to choose to step away from anger... cuz some people are alone all the time and somehow function well... maybe i dont even have to not feel lonely, just be able to function well with the lonelyness, instead of resorting to porn/internet/TV. Havent done ANYTHING this past week. It's been a slow week. and you know what. There's no way to "recharge" or anything cuz I have literally no stress.

anyways I enjoy journaling I think.

Keep motivated. It takes time for improvement in all areas