08-31-2016, 07:51 PM
So today I had this weird dream (while I was listening to E2 on masked headphones) that was connected to the weird dream I had earlier. I dreamed that I got out of bed, walked to the door then fainted, falling straight to the fall. Then I woke up in my bed and it was exactly like my previous dream. Everything was all glitchy. I tried to get out of bed and force myself to wake up, knowing it was a dream. But I couldn't wake myself. Then somehow I got to the floor and wanted to pound the ground for help, but my arms were weak and no sound was coming out. I somehow made it to the kitchen where I saw my mom when walking in, but when I got to her she was gone. Then somehow, I was back in my room. In my last dream, the light by the window was pulling me towards it. The feeling was the same. In my last dream, I was able to force myself to wake up because I realized it was a dream, but this time I couldn't force myself awake. So I decided to accept it and let the light by the window pull me forward. Idk what happened then, but I felt like I let go and just accepted it and somehow I ended up flying in the sky for a while. Last thing I remember before I woke up was a robot fight in some arena. When I woke up, I was in absolute bliss. Haven't felt that good waking up in such a long time. Now, idk if dreams have meaning or not, but it felt like before I resisted a lot of stuff and forced myself to do stuff, but when I let go and let the thing that wants to happen naturally happen, then everything starts to come together.
Yesterday, I cleaned my room. So, it might not be a big deal to most people, but I haven't cleaned my room in almost 3 years. I disappoint my mom in a lot of ways, but I felt like having a messy room was among the top disappointments. I dug up so much shit. Like I had stuff from sophomore year (of high school). Everything was all over the floor. I have a pretty big room and papers covered every part of it. Usually, I really hate it when people give metaphors and "meaning" to stuff, like cleaning a room, but everything I had from high school I threw away. Like I felt like I was letting go of my high school days and finally moving on. Its kinda dumb, but I wrote and drew some stuff for a crush I had throughout most of high school, that I kept for way too long, and throwing it out was kinda my way of letting it go. It's really weird but looking at it then tossing it made me sad. I don't usually feel sad. I feel frustration, I feel anger, I feel annoyance. But rarely do I ever genuinely feel sad. It's a nice feeling. Kinda calming. Anyways, I have too many regrets that I couldn't let go of. I don't believe how some people claim doing a single thing or reading a single thing change their life forever. I don't believe in life changing events in general. But I did feel like cleaning my room (which took 4 hours btw, and all I did was throw stuff away, didn't keep anything) gave me a bit of a release from the clutch of high school. But of course I am still attached. It made me feel different in the moment, but I feel mostly the same now. idk.. At least it made my mom happy. Win an audition for a leading role and she gives no reaction. Doing something as cleaning my room and she's hella f*cking proud of me. Idk how parents work...
Yesterday, I cleaned my room. So, it might not be a big deal to most people, but I haven't cleaned my room in almost 3 years. I disappoint my mom in a lot of ways, but I felt like having a messy room was among the top disappointments. I dug up so much shit. Like I had stuff from sophomore year (of high school). Everything was all over the floor. I have a pretty big room and papers covered every part of it. Usually, I really hate it when people give metaphors and "meaning" to stuff, like cleaning a room, but everything I had from high school I threw away. Like I felt like I was letting go of my high school days and finally moving on. Its kinda dumb, but I wrote and drew some stuff for a crush I had throughout most of high school, that I kept for way too long, and throwing it out was kinda my way of letting it go. It's really weird but looking at it then tossing it made me sad. I don't usually feel sad. I feel frustration, I feel anger, I feel annoyance. But rarely do I ever genuinely feel sad. It's a nice feeling. Kinda calming. Anyways, I have too many regrets that I couldn't let go of. I don't believe how some people claim doing a single thing or reading a single thing change their life forever. I don't believe in life changing events in general. But I did feel like cleaning my room (which took 4 hours btw, and all I did was throw stuff away, didn't keep anything) gave me a bit of a release from the clutch of high school. But of course I am still attached. It made me feel different in the moment, but I feel mostly the same now. idk.. At least it made my mom happy. Win an audition for a leading role and she gives no reaction. Doing something as cleaning my room and she's hella f*cking proud of me. Idk how parents work...
