08-23-2016, 08:37 PM
Had an audition today, I mean it was an open casting thing, where director literally looks at you and tells you if he wants you. And he didn't. I mean it's alright. I don't think I got sad or anything but maybe I did. I'm feeling really irritated right now and antsy and semiangry/frustrated. Idk..
But before that it was a pretty great day. I didn't take as much opportunities to stop and give myself the chance to not be angry as I'd like, but I noticed that I didn't, which IMO is just as important.. I mean I may be rationalizing it, but still...
I mean I had normal anger towards my mom. She asked me where this bus line went and I honestly didn't know and told her. She proceeded to ask me a few more times, and I just kept telling her I didn't know. Of course she then went You're so fucking stupid. And I just kinda walked off. I told myself I can choose to let go of the anger and cooled off in the bathroom. Or at least I thought I did. This is one of those surreal moments where I remember very clearly calming down and being at peace but then somehow the next thing I know I was yelling at my mom. Like I don't remember getting angry again. I don't remember walking out of the bathroom to where my mom was. It just felt like I was calm then boom, I teleported and was hella mad at mom.
I haven't had any motivation to jerk off lately other than boredom. Which by boredom I mean procrastination. Fear of getting stuff done. I read my journal from yesterday and don't know how I wrote that. I mean I don't think I'm ever eloquent or anything but compared to today's journal... ergh.. well Ive put off practicing but strangely confident that I can learn my shit by my lesson.
But before that it was a pretty great day. I didn't take as much opportunities to stop and give myself the chance to not be angry as I'd like, but I noticed that I didn't, which IMO is just as important.. I mean I may be rationalizing it, but still...
I mean I had normal anger towards my mom. She asked me where this bus line went and I honestly didn't know and told her. She proceeded to ask me a few more times, and I just kept telling her I didn't know. Of course she then went You're so fucking stupid. And I just kinda walked off. I told myself I can choose to let go of the anger and cooled off in the bathroom. Or at least I thought I did. This is one of those surreal moments where I remember very clearly calming down and being at peace but then somehow the next thing I know I was yelling at my mom. Like I don't remember getting angry again. I don't remember walking out of the bathroom to where my mom was. It just felt like I was calm then boom, I teleported and was hella mad at mom.
I haven't had any motivation to jerk off lately other than boredom. Which by boredom I mean procrastination. Fear of getting stuff done. I read my journal from yesterday and don't know how I wrote that. I mean I don't think I'm ever eloquent or anything but compared to today's journal... ergh.. well Ive put off practicing but strangely confident that I can learn my shit by my lesson.
