08-22-2016, 07:39 PM
I spend too much time fantasizing what I could be/could've been/will be. Like with the subs for example. Instead of actually trying to spend more time listening to the sub, I just kinda fantasize how much better my life would've been if I had listened to more subs in the past or I'd fantasize about what subs I will do after E2 and how much better life will be. I guess I need to live in the moment more.
Right now I'm regretting not getting any keyboard(piano) work done. I get so stressed cuz of my upcoming lesson and I don't know if I can say I like music, but it keeps me grounded and gives me goals in my otherwise event-less life. Sometimes, or most the time actually, I wonder why I pay for lessons just to give myself stress and disappoint my teacher. It feels more like torture than fun, emotionally. But at some point in life, I think I really did enjoy music. Maybe even loved it.. Don't really remember how that felt though.
I mean, it used to be the reason I went to school, for band class... Music did really change my life for the better, but maybe it's wrong to hold on to something I don't love anymore. Anyways, I try to keep going. Music in a way is the only thing that I "have to do" in this year off I'm taking. Maybe I'll even go to college for music...maybe... With the sub I think it gets me more aware of that I feel this shame and guilt for not learning the music, for wasting money and time, for disappointing teachers and myself. And in a way, it kinda gets me to tell myself to practice, to take responsibility so I don't have to feel this way. Like I would want to practice right now. Maybe I will, after writing this.
I spent most the day watching Youtubes and reading this forum. (when I could've been practicing or studying or anything really) I read people's success with other subs and feel like I want to just jump right there and skip this E2 thing, but I really will try to resist that. Not a big fan of counting the days or hours of how much I listen to though. I guess I want to do at least 3 months, but I guess I'm gonna go on how I'm feeling rather than keeping a day counter. Maybe that's a terrible idea.
I didn't any big anger things today, but I am noticing that all the little frustrations I have gotta be stopped. Like I try to destroy stuff when I'm in a store or misplace stuff cuz I'm feeling angry and stuff. I mean I don't outwardly vandalize anything, but maybe tear down a poster or rip off a sticker and stick it somewhere else... Must not be great for people who work.. Maybe it's not cuz I'm angry or frustrated and need healing, but just a terrible person.. idk..
Right now I'm regretting not getting any keyboard(piano) work done. I get so stressed cuz of my upcoming lesson and I don't know if I can say I like music, but it keeps me grounded and gives me goals in my otherwise event-less life. Sometimes, or most the time actually, I wonder why I pay for lessons just to give myself stress and disappoint my teacher. It feels more like torture than fun, emotionally. But at some point in life, I think I really did enjoy music. Maybe even loved it.. Don't really remember how that felt though.
I mean, it used to be the reason I went to school, for band class... Music did really change my life for the better, but maybe it's wrong to hold on to something I don't love anymore. Anyways, I try to keep going. Music in a way is the only thing that I "have to do" in this year off I'm taking. Maybe I'll even go to college for music...maybe... With the sub I think it gets me more aware of that I feel this shame and guilt for not learning the music, for wasting money and time, for disappointing teachers and myself. And in a way, it kinda gets me to tell myself to practice, to take responsibility so I don't have to feel this way. Like I would want to practice right now. Maybe I will, after writing this.
I spent most the day watching Youtubes and reading this forum. (when I could've been practicing or studying or anything really) I read people's success with other subs and feel like I want to just jump right there and skip this E2 thing, but I really will try to resist that. Not a big fan of counting the days or hours of how much I listen to though. I guess I want to do at least 3 months, but I guess I'm gonna go on how I'm feeling rather than keeping a day counter. Maybe that's a terrible idea.
I didn't any big anger things today, but I am noticing that all the little frustrations I have gotta be stopped. Like I try to destroy stuff when I'm in a store or misplace stuff cuz I'm feeling angry and stuff. I mean I don't outwardly vandalize anything, but maybe tear down a poster or rip off a sticker and stick it somewhere else... Must not be great for people who work.. Maybe it's not cuz I'm angry or frustrated and need healing, but just a terrible person.. idk..
