AM11 with Jeff

[Jeff]

My mind has been enduring an epic frenzy lately. I am getting blasted with diverse emotions and thoughts as if there is no tomorrow. Strife and being collected are clashing heavily. If somebody wronged me, I attempt to get even, while my calm collectedness cools me down almost instantly. I have a massive anger & depression reserve that I need to release immidiately. Taking walks helps, but is merely scratching the surface. I have about 4 years of solid, powerful negative emotion that has to go. I can no longer deal with this bullsh*t in me. Even people around me are able to tell. No matter how hard I try and hide these feelings, I give away subtle cues. I think unloading on a punching bag for several hours will do the trick. Anger, hate, lonliness, depression, shame, and self-loathing are eating away at me. I am also feeling indifferent beyond all reason, I hardly care about anything at the moment. Maybe that is connected to my emotional disorder at the moment. I seem impossible to please and ungrateful as can be. People have been doing such nice things and expect me to praise their deeds, but a fake smile and a near genuine thank you is all I can muster. Help?

What actual truth is and observed truth is actually quite obscure. Take the color of grass, it appears green to me, but grass is every color, but green. I want to figure out life on my own, better yet many companions. Although, reinventing the wheel is always the first thing I check. I feel as if I am in a drugged state of mind. I wake up from these amazing dreams where I am able to do whatever I please (I want longer and more lucid dreams, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!) Then I come to my body. Same old sh*t on a different day. I need to get out of this hole and make something of myself. I am just lacking the funds at the moment. I need some wealth affirmations/spells pronto.

I can totally relate to that. I've often pondered about the universe and how we think of our lives as so important, but Earth is so insignificant compared to the vast universe. When you really think about this stuff you realize that there are bigger things going on and some things that we may not even be aware of yet. We have the ability to be conscious and yet people choose to stay within their limited reality instead of branching out and exploring the unknown.

There is the theory that we are merely our brains and we try to justify our existence as much as possible, when in reality we are nothing. However, I've never been one to jump to an absolute conclusion. How could you when there still isn't enough proof? All I know is I am open to any experiences in my life and I never say never to anything. But if it turns out life has no meaning, I'm fine with that too. Life is essentially a gift given to you everyday and enjoying it to the fullest is the best thing we could possibly do.

I actually feel very significant. I feel as if I've been given this entire world. I have to share some aspects and deal with some things, but ultimately this is mine. Arrogance? Maybe. I don't feel higher, nor lower than anyone, just I feel deserving of whatever I want. I did a google search on Why are we here? I pull up a really cool page. I am still considering my purpose carefully. This is my life I am dealing with, and I want to choose the best possible combination for myself.

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