mat422 alpha journal

[Spiral]

Hehe that may change in the later stages as things start internalizing but also the subconcious is still resisting some things. Either way I'm sure everything will fall into place.

When Im in a bad mood these days people seem to be more warm around me. and when I'm in a real good mood it feels like something's different. But it doesn't really matter. I find it easier now adays to not care about other people's business and only focus on myself and being productive in order to make myself feel good.

You'll notice that these things come in waves and in patterns. Both your mindset and outer reality are all affected during all stages of the transformation.

[mat422]

Crazy crazy dream last night. It didn't really seem to have a plot, but it was intense. I was in some kind of building with mafia guys after me. I shot one of the guys twice in the stomach and one right between the eyes with a 9mm. I picked up his gun and kept running along. Then three more guys came out of nowhere and I had to shoot them all. I had 2 guns in both hands shooting away like some kind of crazy Hollywood movie star lol. Some guy offered to help me out and I jumped in his truck, but I didn't trust him and found out he was working for the mafia too. I jumped out of the truck and hit the ground hard. Then more guys started coming, about 5 of them. So I ran to some weird small room and tried to hold the door shut. There was a hole in the wall where this guy was sticking his shotgun through, so I grabbed it and disarmed him. I went to go shoot the guys behind the door, but it was like the shotgun I just took was firing blanks and not doing anything. So then I got shot through the door with another guys shotgun point blank in the chest. I pulled out my 9mm and started firing away, but now I was bleeding all over the place. I felt like I was dying and thats all I remember lol.

I rarely have dreams like this. Even if I do it usually involves me being brutally murdered by something supernatural that I can't fight back. So it was interesting to actually get a weapon in my dream and be able to fight back against the guys trying to kill me. No zombies dreams yet though lol.

[Ryan]

You mentioned above about people not sitting near you. I had similar reactions last year when I was doing affirmations. Now, it's not like that so much anymore. I think it's just a mixture of different emotions your subconscious is dealing with, people do not know how to respond to you, subconsciously.

How has stage 2 been affecting you? I remember the first couple of days I liked it, then it hit me very hard. Suddenly, I'm extremely stressed out here and there and had horrible depression/hopelessness feelings come back. I also became a bit more quiet unlike the end of stage 1, unmotivated/lazy, and a bit increase of social anxiety but nothing too horrible.

[mat422]

You mentioned above about people not sitting near you. I had similar reactions last year when I was doing affirmations. Now, it's not like that so much anymore. I think it's just a mixture of different emotions your subconscious is dealing with, people do not know how to respond to you, subconsciously.

How has stage 2 been affecting you? I remember the first couple of days I liked it, then it hit me very hard. Suddenly, I'm extremely stressed out here and there and had horrible depression/hopelessness feelings come back. I also became a bit more quiet unlike the end of stage 1, unmotivated/lazy, and a bit increase of social anxiety but nothing too horrible.

Stage 2 started off really harsh for me. I was very lethargic and aggravated at myself. Everywhere I went I couldn't shake the feeling of not belonging. It's like I would laugh and joke but at the same time it felt very hollow and fake. The negative internal dialogue was very hard for me to control at times. I also felt the need to distance myself from people, I didn't want to talk to anyone that much. It was all these internal frustrations that just made me very bitter.

Also it was almost impossible to focus on any of my college work. I had to read a couple of chapters for my accounting class, man I had to restrain myself from hurling the book across the room. In general I have trouble reading because my mind tends to wander off and then I forget what I read. It just pissed me off for no reason.

But the good news is I feel like I'm leveling out. The negative internal dialogue isn't as persistent and I'm a lot more motivated to do some things that I have to do.

I know what you mean by depression/hopelessness feelings. They are the worst because you can't just pull yourself out of it. When that happens to me I usually play video games or watch a movie. I do what I have to do, but for the most part I don't push myself because that just adds to the feeling of hopelessness. I try not to be too critical about myself when I'm in that state because it really is out of my control and beating myself up over what I should be doing doesn't help.

I don't know what the weather is like where you are but the lack of sun definitely contributes to my overall lethargic behavior at times. Winter is always a tough time for me because I feel like my serotonin levels plummet.

[Ryan]

Definitely, that's one thing my doctor told me is that it's very important to get as much sun light as I can. With all the shit I went through the past couple of months, I felt the past 2 weeks in stage 2 really brought it all back, so it definitely was a hard time for me. I had a huge problem with stressors and literally could not handle them to the point one day I had to stay home from school absolutely depressed and didn't know what to do with myself (I also couldn't pay for any gas). But now that is all over and done with and those stressors aren't bothering me anymore. I've also noticed that I have withdrawn a lot more recently since beginning stage 2.

[Shannon]

In my experience, shy of purely chemical responses, depression is often a sublimated anger or frustration response that for one reason or another you feel like you cannot express as what it is. It's like a volcano that just can't explode... it becomes a feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, and then turns to hopelessness.

Now the question is, if that's what's happening, why are you feeling that way from Stage 2, which is beginning to introduce alpha stuff? I can't think of any reason that would happen. Unless you're living at home and literally can't be the independent alpha the program is trying to make you... or you for some reason or other literally cannot express it...

[mat422]

In my experience, shy of purely chemical responses, depression is often a sublimated anger or frustration response that for one reason or another you feel like you cannot express as what it is. It's like a volcano that just can't explode... it becomes a feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, and then turns to hopelessness.

Now the question is, if that's what's happening, why are you feeling that way from Stage 2, which is beginning to introduce alpha stuff? I can't think of any reason that would happen. Unless you're living at home and literally can't be the independent alpha the program is trying to make you... or you for some reason or other literally cannot express it...

Not sure if this was directed to Ryan or me. But I definitely can relate to a frustration response. I've been trying to figure out a career path for a while now, what to do with my life. It's just been this little nagging thought in the back of my head that never goes away. I'm attending a community college, so I commute back and forth from my house. I didn't want to go away to college because it would cost too much and at the time I had too much anxiety about the whole thing.

It's very possible that it's not the subliminal bringing up the depression/hopelessness for me. I have felt like this before when I first started college and was struggling to find a path. It's one of those things that I talk to my parents about and they just tell me not to worry and I will find my path. It's unresolved feelings of frustration because I feel very lost and confused.

In you opinion Shannon would the subliminal effect me in a negative way if I am still living at home? It doesn't really bother me because I am studying and trying to pursue a certain career path. It's not like I'm being lazy and mooching off my parents money. Hell I probably work harder than the kids that go to college just to get wasted, have sex, party, all the while spending their parents money because they are rich anyway. I got a scholarship this year which is helping with my debt that I am slowly incurring from student loans.

[Ryan]

As far as the depression, it could have been a medication issue or the fact that I drank a lot over the weekend. I still have my moments where the depression can really kick my ass here and there. But some of it was correlated with the subliminal, the other shit going on just made it harder for me to handle. Like for me, it was the stress of money hitting me, stress of school and feeling very unmotivated and feeling like I had no purpose for my life. The other was neediness and loneliness and yes, frustration in that I felt frustrated that I couldn't get to where I wanted to be. I also didn't quite know exactly who I was. Though as the week progressed I have been feeling so much better! So it could have been sparked by taking an extra pill this week or some other effect from these meds.

[Shannon]

In my experience, shy of purely chemical responses, depression is often a sublimated anger or frustration response that for one reason or another you feel like you cannot express as what it is. It's like a volcano that just can't explode... it becomes a feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, and then turns to hopelessness.

Now the question is, if that's what's happening, why are you feeling that way from Stage 2, which is beginning to introduce alpha stuff? I can't think of any reason that would happen. Unless you're living at home and literally can't be the independent alpha the program is trying to make you... or you for some reason or other literally cannot express it...

Not sure if this was directed to Ryan or me. But I definitely can relate to a frustration response. I've been trying to figure out a career path for a while now, what to do with my life. It's just been this little nagging thought in the back of my head that never goes away. I'm attending a community college, so I commute back and forth from my house. I didn't want to go away to college because it would cost too much and at the time I had too much anxiety about the whole thing.

It's very possible that it's not the subliminal bringing up the depression/hopelessness for me. I have felt like this before when I first started college and was struggling to find a path. It's one of those things that I talk to my parents about and they just tell me not to worry and I will find my path. It's unresolved feelings of frustration because I feel very lost and confused.

In you opinion Shannon would the subliminal effect me in a negative way if I am still living at home? It doesn't really bother me because I am studying and trying to pursue a certain career path. It's not like I'm being lazy and mooching off my parents money. Hell I probably work harder than the kids that go to college just to get wasted, have sex, party, all the while spending their parents money because they are rich anyway. I got a scholarship this year which is helping with my debt that I am slowly incurring from student loans.

When I was forced to move back in with my mother at the end of a very serious relationship a few years ago (I basically left my own apartment to my ex because she had nowhere else to go even though she was becoming physically/emotionally/verbally abusive with me) I fully intended to spend a few months recovering, get on my feet and go find a house of my own to rent.

But then mom's health was deteriorating, and it was a much more major trauma emotionally to end the relationship than I expected, and after a year being back here, I was starting to get depressed because I couldn't leave. I could neither afford to, nor could I leave mom alone... she needed constant supervision and assistance by that point. The "I'm here for mom" idea helped a lot, but it still was killing me not to be my own man and have my own place. It's very much a core masculine identity in much of the world that he is as much a man as he can support himself and those he loves/takes care of. It was really making me depressed and feeling hopeless.

So if you're using a program that's constantly urging you to be your own man, and you're resisting it for whatever reason... yes, it can result in the frustration/hopelessness that could conceivably lead to depression.

Get out there. Get your own place. It's not that hard, once you stop making mistakes.

[mat422]

In due time Shannon. Right now I need to finish up my college degree and then pass some certification exams for the field I'm in. Then scamper about trying to find a job in this economy. As much as I would love to have my own place, financial worry would probably drive me over the edge. I currently reside in Westchester County, which is know for it's ridiculous taxes so I sure as hell don't want to rent a home here. Unfortunately this is where my college resides so I'm kind of stuck here for a while. It's funny I'm thinking about this stuff though, most of my friends are probably at college just getting drunk and partying. I'm only 19, society considers me independent, but I sure as hell don't feel like it. I've always been worried about stuff, a trait thats both hindered me and helped me plan for the future, but sometimes I just can't take it.

[Shannon]

I can definitely understand that. If you're 19 and thinking like this, I see a bright future for you.

Here's a tip. See if you can figure out a way to have multiple streams of income. That way, if one doesn't pan out, another will at least partially cover your tracks.

[mat422]

That's a good tip I'll definitely keep that in mind. Right now I'm just pushing forward and it's very taxing on me mentally. But I can tell how the sub has been affecting me lately. Normally in the past I never had the willpower to keep going, I was pretty weak and sometimes reverted to a very lazy and who cares attitude. I feel mentally stronger now and I have a drive that just keeps me going when things get rough.

Also thanks for the compliment. It's always good to get outside confirmation, that really put me at ease you have no idea lol.

[Shannon]

One thing AM will do wonders for is helping you believe in yourself. The reason I am where I am, and am going where I am going in life, is because when I have been faced with choices that were scary, I believed in myself and not what everyone else thought. Part of being an alpha is being a leader, even if only to yourself. You have what it takes. Trust me.

The secret to success was once stated by a man named T.A. Edison. He said success is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration. I would say he was almost right - it's inspiration (believing in yourself), doing something to achieve your goals (perspiration) and the refusal to stop trying, regardless of how much the path is strewn with rocks and boulders in your way (persistence).

One major secret that I have held dear all my life can be seen in one of my favorite quotes:

"No man ever became great except through many and great mistakes." - William E. Gladstone

You don't make many mistakes, if you quit trying to achieve your goals. And you won't become great unless you accept your mistakes as stepping stones to understanding how not to do things. In other words, make mistakes, but learn from them and don't make them again.

Success is all about the refusal to stop trying to succeed.

[Jeff]

So if you're using a program that's constantly urging you to be your own man, and you're resisting it for whatever reason... yes, it can result in the frustration/hopelessness that could conceivably lead to depression.

Get out there. Get your own place. It's not that hard, once you stop making mistakes.

Crap lol. I turned 18 about two months ago and going to dorm at college this coming fall. I am not 100% sure if that means being my own man; while still not being under my parents roof. So there may be that may be conflicting for a while?

And finding several streams of income, I thought of a couple ideas and was wondering what else you guys thought of.
-Clinical studies (the more safe ones) they pay ~$500-5000 in one week [definitely going with the safer studies; I don't want to be an alpha with some crazy deformity lol]
-Part time job [pretty self explanatory] preferably at the mall because of the social interaction and being a quarter of a mile away from my house.
-Mowing lawns?