Ampers&d: The Year of the Alpha (Male 6.0)

[Ampersnd]

I got the link for my live TV interview on me (full on in French).
I won't post it on the thread, but if you want to see what I looked like as of February 24, 2015, let me know and I'll inbox you.

Something body language insights I noticed from watching that short segment;
- My head looks smaller than I thought;
- I need to stop licking my lips; it just doesn't look good
- I'm a bit tense, and it's keeping me 'in my head'. The other guy anchor seems much more filled-in with his body
- That 'in my head' impression I put off could be why I've been considered creepy.
- I've justified that as not wanting to take up space and impede on others' space
- We (me and my colleague) look pretty good without any TV makeup

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 29,

Today was a very slow day at work. I got a ride back earlier than usual, so hitting the gym and all these things was done a bit earlier. I replaced the strings on my guitar, and they're thicker than usual, which might have been a mistake because of how difficult it is to be nimble on them, but they do sound beautiful.

Today, my voice is 'on'; every note just locks into place and plays how I want it to. I will sound be having a project related to improving my singing and my song repertoire, because I'll sound be playing in bars for hours at a time. Once I'm done taking the lessons, I'll be using pMemory to learn dozens of songs at a time. This can be done; I've already memorized very specific facts. For example, the first successful heart transplant was conducted on November 27, 1968 on Emanuel Vitria by Edmund Anry. I'm not checking the internet for that. I just had to check a couple of mental images, and bam, there it was.

Anyways, I'll soon be doubling down on my singing exercises, likely getting another set, and doing those exercises as well. I'm really excited for what becomes of the April-May-June quarter, because my free time won't be occupied with pMemory lessons, too many gym sessions, and long meditation sessions. They'll be replaced with other stuff, all while maintaining my current gains.

Note: the information that I memorized has fictional characters, so I memorized it correctly, but it's not the true information.

[Ampersnd]

Dreamed that I had male pattern baldness. Now THAT'S scary

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 30,

I can safely say that my sex drive has returned in full swing; during the start/middle of this stage, I wasn't thinking of sex. I think it's because of my increasing belief that I can eventually successfully connect with women, and I bought a small 7$ set of ebooks on body language. I'll really begin putting the steps into place when my first quarter of goals are over. Right now, it's quite a lot to do. I'll also be working with the multiple-orgasm Key Sound (a program I bought but never really made extensive use on). This can serve to create a sexy vibe/sexy voice. So becoming sexy/more attractive/more attractive to women is one of the columns of the next quarter

The second one will probably be deeply related to singing, and then learning a whole bunch of songs on guitar to be able to perform. Today, I learned that I've made some progress in my voice by-and-large (control is better), but then I see artists on YouTube that remind me that I can go so much deeper (tone and some consistency could use work). Luther Vandross is an example; his voice is velvety smooth.

This other guy on YouTube is extremely talented, and it has me interested in what I can 'Super-Falsetto' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-95JUjZMZOA @ 2:30)

Today was productive, in the sense that it was full day off, where I was able to do the things I love doing, all while eating junk food and wasting some time. After tonight's sleep, I'll be refreshed enough to take on the week.

[Ampersnd]

New VDO:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdUL4c0Z...e=youtu.be

Stage 2, Day 31,

Nothing specific today; I've doubled my dose for singing exercises, and I was very observant today (instead of just doing the exercises to get them over with).

I think I will recap the 2nd stage right now:

- My sex drive fell right off the map. It's just recently returned, and it's always in a positive association with women;
- I'm very consistent in my two side life goals (gym and pMemory); with both of them, I've made great progress, and I'm not even done until April, so there's more to it;
- Related to the last point, I've discovered the benefit of splitting your yearly goals into four quarters, and focusing on only 2 major goals per quarter. So instead of trying to do 12 things in an unfocused way, I will have 8 developed skills under my belt.
- I felt very frequent emotional insecurity, and I would often let out many tears for no reason; I wouldn't call it crying, as it was only tears, and not uncontrollable weeping.
- My level of 'will to commit' has just recently gone up a notch.
- I'm becoming more realistic and grounded about life the reality of living on planet Earth, and less tolerant of people's fantasies or logical justifications towards it.
- I've been craving more women in my life; the thought of having women in my arms is like heroin. Redheads have always been a weakness of mine.
- I've been more appreciative of women, even though I'm attracted to the same amount (few)
- I've realized that my social life is pretty bad, and it'll have to be handled at some point, as it may affect my professional life.
- Been accepting the idea of big changes; trusting myself to do the right thing.
- Body language has improved a bit (1-5%)
- Since the start of 2015, I've only seen one porn video, and only drank alcohol on one occasion. I occasionally look up still images of some boobs to get me through the day (motivate me to work hard).

[Ampersnd]

Funny dream I had; I was chit chatting with a janitor. He turns around and says, that girls a cutie. And so I turn and see, and yes she was a cutie with a couple of her friends. A little bit drunk. I wind up chatting her up a bit, unsure if she likes me. Then we're lightly play fighting and she's pulling my shirt up; tugging at it. I'm still wondering if she likes me.

Then I snap to and realize: "Dan, she's lifting up your shirt, and you're wondering if she likes you. Girls don't ever do anything forward if they don't like you. In fact, they'll avoid/ignore you if they don't want a thing to do with you" Of course, I wake up around then.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 32,

My host is back at work; I was glad about it, for about five minutes. But then, she's correcting everything I've done, and I go back to being pretty peeved about everything she does. It's not that she's a bad person.. it's just that I don't like her. It's all over Thursday, so I'll play it out. Then it's the next place.

I doubled my singing dose today, then hit the gym hard. I was only able to finish most of a pMemory session, gonna pick up the slack tomorrow.

This stage is over, and I'm now listening to Stage 3.
Right off the start, I had about 5 moments when I let out a bunch of tears. Talk about instant reaction.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 1,

Bad night of sleep. I went to a really informative and insightful seminar about cultures, relating to my work. Then I get back, and we a bit more work, and I take a short break. We then have a meeting, and we're asked to talk about a certain client, in a sense off the cuff, in another sense, someone we talked with 2 weeks ago. My colleague and I recalled what we could from our memories. The error was that we could have simply taken the file and read our notes from back then, allowing a more accurate recall.

Anyways, the meeting is over, and our host calls us: "a shame to our field" by doing that. We were apparently supposed to know that we should consult a stray document (among 15-20) that we were shown on our first day of placements. That really hit me hard, but pissed me off more than anything; could you think of anything more terrible to say for a striving intern; that their mistake was shameful and that they bring shame to the field in which they're trying to succeed?

Anyways, this woman has shown an extreme level of un-professionalism by resorting to that, and has only her number of years of experience to fall back on. She's made several inconsistencies between her expectations of me, and her own rationalizations, enough for me to aptly describe her as a hypocrite, and I literally cannot wait to be done with this internship on Friday. It maddens me that I still rely on her for a decent grade, though my professors know her reputation and would probably hear my side of the story as well.

Anyways, I channeled that anger into an immediate sit-down with her (an informal 1-on-1) where I acknowledged her frustrations and took into account the mistakes on our part, but made clear why we were completely un-knowing as to how to properly execute. She seemed to get it, and we parted on a similar page. I would not have done this during Stage 2 (very important to note).

I immediately headed home, and I even made this big hand gesture to show a driver that they were about to go the wrong way down a 1-way. I get home and immediately greet the woman in my life. She baked for me. We have really good sex, then head to the bar. My work friends were there; they paid for everything, but got me relatively drunk. I went back home after 3 -3.5 hours and then had a much more romantic romp with my girl. Both were great. Spent the rest of the night doing a bit of research for nutrition.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 2,

I didn't mention that yesterday was my birthday; so yesterday was 'birthday sex', 'birthday drinking', etc.

Working like crazy to be on good terms at the end of this internship. I'm varying between 'live-and-let-live' and 'fuck my boss'. There's a lot I can say against her, but all in all, I'm the one that needs to pass, so there's only one more day left.

This evening, I had to consecrate all my daily activities towards my projects (which she seems to enjoy pilling up). I will get 6 hours of sleep tonight. I should get on that.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 3,

Well, shit. Had a busy work day today, and then it was my final evaluation.
Turns out that I didn't improve enough, and I failed this internship.
Though I saw what my boss meant for certain things, I didn't fully agree with the points against me, so my colleague suggested that I go talk with my professor on campus. I go to the offices and notice the one that's there around 5:15pm. The professor went through it, and she agreed that it was grounds for a failure. I have two more internships. If I fail another, I get kicked out of the program.

My present failure means that I might have to go back next year to do it. If I was in denial during the ride to see the prof, then I quickly transitioned to grief. Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out in her office, using up all the Kleenex. Both my boss and the professor asked me if I'd ever been diagnosed with a learning disability. Then, she urged me to call a center at my university that specializes in these sorts of matters. This might truly be a part of me that I've not been made aware until now.

I stayed there until about 6:15; I felt bad about holding her up. I'm pretty destroyed emotionally right now. Only did some singing warmups, but I've let 4 hours fly by without doing too much besides showering and eating a little bit, watching YouTube videos in the interim.

My motivation is low and I'm not feeling emotionally stable. This is a big wave that I'll have to ride out. I will figure this out one way or another.

[SargeMaximus]

You learned how to bed girls, something I find very complex. You can learn this too. Why the emotional outburst? Just too much pressure or what? I just don't get it. Not trying to be harsh, just sayin.

[Ampersnd]

I'm actually pretty damn sensitive in general, as a person. Emotions are an integrated part of me, though I've always had a soft heart.
The internship was very stressful, very demanding, the boss was very ambiguous and reprimanded harshly at times, I'm on low sleep (going to bed in the next few minutes to fix that), and I felt that I was performing well (on track for graduation).

These news is literally life-changing, as I have to do over six weeks of unpaid full time work a year from now, and based on my current performance , I may not be able - on a cognitive level - to do my work properly in the coming internships. If I fail another internship, I'm kicked out of the program. For now, graduation seems to be pushed back, and I can't get on with my life until then.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm actually pretty damn sensitive in general, as a person. Emotions are an integrated part of me, though I've always had a soft heart.
The internship was very stressful, very demanding, the boss was very ambiguous and reprimanded harshly at times, I'm on low sleep (going to bed in the next few minutes to fix that), and I felt that I was performing well (on track for graduation).

These news is literally life-changing, as I have to do over six weeks of unpaid full time work a year from now, and based on my current performance , I may not be able - on a cognitive level - to do my work properly in the coming internships. If I fail another internship, I'm kicked out of the program. For now, graduation seems to be pushed back, and I can't get on with my life until then.

That's definitely some weight. What's it for? I don't understand how internships are integral to graduating.

I'm sensitive too, btw. At my current place in time I figure it's best to just let it be than overcome it. I could be wrong, but I dunno. Seems to make people better with me when I can be sensitive and "sad" most of the time. :/

[Ampersnd]

@Sarge; with my degree, it's required to go through 4-5 placements to graduate. I was on my 3rd of 5. Still going to the 4th, but I have to go back and complete the 3rd one successfully.

And yeah, it may be best to give it time, and then conquer it when I'm better equipped. I do find it suspicious that my colleague gave zero interviews during the last week of this placement and she's gotten the acceptable grading and is passing, whereas I give one, I'm told that I did a great job, and then I get less than satisfactory marks to the point of failing it. I will bring up that point to my clinical professor, because it is very suspect.

Stage 3, Day 4,

It was my last day of this first placement. Spent most of a day getting our documents together and then left. The emotional storm came and went, and a lot of emotional processing went on. I'm beginning to move into anger and my mind is coming up with some objective facts that make my boss seem inconsistent; an inconsistency between her verbal instructions and what she responds positively to. Then, there are areas when she would simply not give any precise, clear instructions, and have the attitude of "Well, you should already know this completely new concept".

Anyways, I could go on, and I'm already getting pissed off just writing about it. I'll get a good night of sleep and call to let my parents know what's going on.

I still let a bunch of time fly by, though today, I did singing, gym, and practice a couple of songs. pMemory has taken a hit because concentrating is difficult.