Ben12's Journey to tranformation

[ben123456305]

Day 16 12/17/14
-I feel like the sub is making me consciously realize my guilt shame and fear. I feel like a large part of my identity has revolved around my shyness, lack of confidence, and lack of success with women. When I am negatively charged due to events or circumstances my default reaction was to read more self help books which does not help me because it didn't solve the core problem. This became a negative loop because I get burned repeatedly and i keep doing the same thing to cope.
- I realized I had two separate dialogues in my head. Theres a whiny one and a stronger independent one. When I see another guy's success with women, The whiny side of me kept telling me to be and act like that guy so i can be successful. In the past I would Identify with this voice. This time I thought "why should I imitate that person? I can do my own thing instead".
-I believe this This core issue of "why dont you be like that person?" came up when in my early childhood. I always was the mischievous child that wouldn't behave and i was constantly being compared to cousins and siblings who were "better" than me. This probably was ingrained into my head at this point.
-Hopefully OGSF or AM5 takes care of this core issue. Although I am open to suggestions on how to tackle this core issue.

[ben123456305]

Day 17 12/18/14
-I realized how I use objectification to cope with my insecurities and failure. If I get rejected by and attractive girl I would start bashing her looks to preserve my ego.
- the strength of my negitive emotions is weakening but I can feel it more.

[ben123456305]

Day 21
The sub is putting me in a depression. Sometimes I feel like every part of me is being ripped away and my body is resisting it. Now for brief moments I ask myself who am I?
Instead of wallowing in my sadness I decided to go out more alone or otherwise. Break is coming up so I figured it's a great time.

[ben123456305]

Day 26 12/27/14
-This entire month has been the longest time i have felt depression in recent memory. The resistance was building up and snowballing together until recently when it stopped. At its worst I felt and my mind thought the sub was ripping me apart layer by layer. The sub eventually hit the core and its filled with negative emotion and jealousy was the one I felt the most. Now I feel better and external events have less of an emotional impact to me and I feel happier in general.
-I never thought there was that much junk inside of me. Its funny to think how probably all my actions was controlled/affected by this core of jealousy.

[I am a self helper]

Day 26 12/27/14
-This entire month has been the longest time i have felt depression in recent memory. The resistance was building up and snowballing together until recently when it stopped. At its worst I felt and my mind thought the sub was ripping me apart layer by layer. The sub eventually hit the core and its filled with negative emotion and jealousy was the one I felt the most. Now I feel better and external events have less of an emotional impact to me and I feel happier in general.
-I never thought there was that much junk inside of me. Its funny to think how probably all my actions was controlled/affected by this core of jealousy.

[I am a self helper]

Day 26 12/27/14
-This entire month has been the longest time i have felt depression in recent memory. The resistance was building up and snowballing together until recently when it stopped. At its worst I felt and my mind thought the sub was ripping me apart layer by layer. The sub eventually hit the core and its filled with negative emotion and jealousy was the one I felt the most. Now I feel better and external events have less of an emotional impact to me and I feel happier in general.
-I never thought there was that much junk inside of me. Its funny to think how probably all my actions was controlled/affected by this core of jealousy.

Thanks for the post Ben,
I have been feeling about the same for the past month or so, I thought it was due to lack of sleep, schedule changes and life in general. I didn't associate it with resisting the sub. It is good to know that it should be coming to an end soon.

[ben123456305]

It really felt liberating to be free from this emotional junk.
Day28
Immediatly when I start playing the sub I get resistance again But this time I feel a strong fear of not getting into college. This fear literally leaves me shaking as I am listening and fills my mind with panic. What am I going to do with my life if I don't get into college? My parents are pressuring me and I to be quite honest don't know what I would or can do at that situation.
This leaves me feeling helpless and extremely uncomfortable.

[ben123456305]

-Its really weird when i feel really happy when i play OGSF.
-First time a girl worked out with me. We were doing the same routine. There were dudes near me that lifted heavier and were more impressive that i am. They essentially captivating that girl. This sparked the jealousy up into an miniature inferno. I handled it well and i was friendly but still kept more focus on my work out than on my jealousy.

[ben123456305]

Day 33 1/3/15
-More zombie dreams! what is with me and zombies?
-Productivity is down the drain.
-Fear growing up and taking responsibility. Fear talking with people.

[ben123456305]

Everyday has a new experience lurking in every corner. Today's experience was being intimidated and attracted at the same time.

[ben123456305]

Day 39 1/9/15
-A few days ago when I played OGSF I had a zombie dream.the only piece I remember was that I got infected by a zombie and was given two options: either my best friend puts a bullet though my head or i do it myself. I choose to do it myself and when I held up the gun to my head I felt all the fear, anxiety and negative emotions. I said "Enough is enough" and pulled the trigger. Then i was left with just negative emotions.
-Some negative emotions are still there but i feel a lot better than before.

[SargeMaximus]

Love your signature.

[ben123456305]

Day 42 1/12/14 of OGSF
It's the end of the program. How do I feel? Glad you asked. I feel a lot better now compared to the day I started. I felt really depressed when I started and it built up to the point where i felt like i was being ripped up. the sub broke apart my identity and scrubbed away a majority of the negative junk. Since then I felt better and the sub has been a smoother ride.
Now I'll be doing AM5.
My goals for this program is more for personal growth (girls are a plus) than anything. I realized that I need to grow up and mature in my life.

[SargeMaximus]

Day 42 1/12/14 of OGSF
It's the end of the program. How do I feel? Glad you asked. I feel a lot better now compared to the day I started. I felt really depressed when I started and it built up to the point where i felt like i was being ripped up. the sub broke apart my identity and scrubbed away a majority of the negative junk. Since then I felt better and the sub has been a smoother ride.
Now I'll be doing AM5.
My goals for this program is more for personal growth (girls are a plus) than anything. I realized that I need to grow up and mature in my life.

Which sub were you just doing? (Sorry, to lazy to check). Also, this is EXACTLY how SM 3 has been for me: the feeling of being ripped up. It's like I'm moving towards a goal and getting sliced and diced in the process. Constantly feeling like I'm being divided over and over again, as well as chiseled away.