Ben12's Journey to tranformation

[ben123456305]

Day 2 12/3/14
-I always wondered why I feel so lonely, so awkward.
Why I feel the need to get approval and acceptance from others. Yes, some people say normal is boring but right now it feels more preferable to be normal than who I am now. Others are having fun laughing and playing around while I can't even talk to a coworker without feeling like I am being needy. And yet I read about all these books on self improvement yet still stuck. More knowledgeable but still stuck.

[blue42]

Day 2 12/3/14
-I always wondered why I feel so lonely, so awkward.
Why I feel the need to get approval and acceptance from others. Yes, some people say normal is boring but right now it feels more preferable to be normal than who I am now. Others are having fun laughing and playing around while I can't even talk to a coworker without feeling like I am being needy. And yet I read about all these books on self improvement yet still stuck. More knowledgeable but still stuck.

For more dramatic results on your journey, I recommended concentration practice. The subs certainly can help in directing your energy, but nothing beats disciplined concentration. From that one aspect of the mind, everything else follows. Why do you suppose so few train this?

[ben123456305]

Some people probably just want to plug and play method for change.
Day 3 12/4/14
Screw changing for others. I realized I was wasn't being true to myself and was chasing girls that weren't that attractive or weren't what I am looking for. Instead I get attached to just about any girl sadly. Time to change that though

[blue42]

Some people probably just want to plug and play method for change.
Day 3 12/4/14
Screw changing for others. I realized I was wasn't being true to myself and was chasing girls that weren't that attractive or weren't what I am looking for. Instead I get attached to just about any girl sadly. Time to change that though

I practice on ugs. They really are awsome. Man, some of the conversations and txt's from failures are funny. There good practice for when that bomb shell comes around.

[ben123456305]

Day 7 12/8/14
-One side of me says don't objectify women and another side says to.
-Mental barriers in the gym are dissolving.I beated the platue i was in.
- Productivity has gone up
- Sticking to my preferences is really hard especially when I am still stuck in scarcity.

[blue42]

Day 7 12/8/14
-One side of me says don't objectify women and another side says to.
-Mental barriers in the gym are dissolving.I beated the platue i was in.
- Productivity has gone up
- Sticking to my preferences is really hard especially when I am still stuck in scarcity.

define what women your interested in, be polite and ignore the rest romantically.

[ben123456305]

Day 10 12/11/14
Been resisting the urge to watch porn. It's funny it's always inthe back of mind. Ever since I was a kid I was exposed to porn. This screwed my perception of women. Nowi don't think of them as people with personality but as whether her genes endow her with a amzing rack or a nice ass. This mixed with my rather lonely childhood and that makes for a horny introvert.

[ben123456305]

I was wondering what's the point of living. I haven't found my own reason to live. I feel like I am living for others. As my guilt shame and fear is being dissolved in feel like I'm losing my Identity.

[ben123456305]

Day 13
I noticed a recently in almost every dream theres a reoccurring feature: My arms are disfiqured with different materials and designs. Today it was a combination of like wood and metal. It is freaking me out every time it appears.
-my friend asked me about my rejections and suddenly a flash back happened for a sec but i dont feel as hurt anymore.

[blue42]

"I was wondering what's the point of living. I haven't found my own reason to live. I feel like I am living for others. As my guilt shame and fear is being dissolved in feel like I'm losing my Identity."


This took me a great deal of time to figure out, when I stopped looking I found my self here. I began with the fixation of thought of "why do people treat me the way they do" years ago.

[ben123456305]

blue42
I feel like I built my identity around my problems and that why I have been resisting everything all the subs that I listened to solve it.
Day 14 12/15/14
-I feel The Guilt shame and fear is slowly dissolving. This made the learning subs i used earlier more pronounced. I feel more chill and my coworkers are picking up on it. One guy tries to talk to me and the convo is ended up being about a female coworker and her attractiveness or whatever. It seems like the female corkers are more receptive to me or they are just friendly and im opening up for interaction?

[Shannon]

If you feel like you're losing your identity when you're seeing your GSF dissolve... you have a wonderful thing indeed! That means your self identity has been largely based on those negative emotions, and as they dissolve, the whole world becomes your oyster!

[ben123456305]

I feel like my mind immediatly starts resisting the sub.r I decided to view women differently from sexual playthings to attractive people with personalities. My minds response was very noticeable resistance. Fear came up as my mind was desperately telling me to hold on to it because it is a part of me. I was telling myself to let it go. After a little bit I felt better and happy. Then in my dreams I was with this girl and she was teaching me how to kiss. This dream was different because it wasn't sexual at all.
Edit. Female coworker seems to be looking my way. Not sure if I should ask her to hangout because I tried once and she gave me an excuse instead.
Edit2: trying this counter i saw on Sarge's signature. a least i can hold myself somewhat accountable.

[ben123456305]

I always had flashbacks of when I failed or something embarrassing happened. It's always in my mind. Always reminding me about it. Wish it would dissolve.