Ben12's Journey to tranformation

[ben123456305]

Day 5 of asc
Had a dream where I was stuck in some odd area during a hurricane. I was running around and I found out about some surpressed memories of some people. I approched a wall that had a man and a woman guarding it. I yelled to this lady her repressed memories but the man tried to stop me by appealing to the woman. I told him to shut up and suddenly I felt like i was sucked of that universe. A sticker that resembled the woman was removed from the wall by someone after that.

[ben123456305]

Day 7 of ASC
How to quit fapping? I am working out hardcore and my libido increased.

[ben123456305]

day 8 of ASC 10/8/14
My classwork was embarrassingly bad and the teacher decided to present the work. I wanted to run away but then suddenly my mind said something along the lines of "Even if it is bad, just F**ing own it'. I managed to stay in the classroom.
Edit: I feel like kids do a kind if shit test because when I feel more confident on one day then They are easier to tame down. If I have to resort to projecting my voice then they run rampant and out of control.

[Darkness]

day 8 of ASC 10/8/14
My classwork was embarrassingly bad and the teacher decided to present the work. I wanted to run away but then suddenly my mind said something along the lines of "Even if it is bad, just F**ing own it'. I managed to stay in the classroom.
Edit: I feel like kids do a kind if shit test because when I feel more confident on one day then They are easier to tame down. If I have to resort to projecting my voice then they run rampant and out of control.

Keep going your progressing

[ben123456305]

Day 11 10/11/14
I have been getting really angry thoughts. Very reactive thoughts

[ben123456305]

Day 14
The angry thoughts are in the background but I feel like I want to fight everything.Something is changing inside but I think im resisting. Colleagues seem to treat me a little bit better and I am being more social but still cant seem to bring myself to approach girls especially when they are older than me.

[ben123456305]

Update 11/8/14
My grades slipped considerably so I had to stop using ASC and use MLS+improve your grades and study habits. This however doesn't mean I lost my aggressiveness. I actually am becoming even more aggressive but i don't know why. For example, I feel mad everyday and started grunting and everything.
-Start viewing girls only as sex objects and to be experienced.
-Yesterday was the worst, Me and a coworker were playfully ordering each other around. I was the one that was actively escalating each encounter while keeping it somewhat playful.
-After work I was mad again telling myself "am i really going to be under the whim of others or am i going to do something about it". Later I vented about me not taking action with women and never taking action. my rant led to the topic of rejection and i started tearing up and my rant started losing steam.
-The work Kaizen or continuous improvement keeps popping up in my mind through out the day.

[ben123456305]

Day 20 11/11/14 MLS+IYGSH
-I just got back My standardized test scores and it surpassed my target score. Pretty happy about that.
-Saw a male coworker talk to a female coworker that I wanted to ask out. Got subconsciously uneasy for some reason and that threw me off for a while. Later I finally grew the balls to talk to her. The odd thing was when I was having the convo, my mind was completely blank. Everything just flowed automatically. Didn't get to ask her out because something came up suddenly and I had to leave. Happy that I approached though.

[ben123456305]

Day 21 11/12/14
-In a dream i had a moment of pure fear, I was in a small apartment building having fun with friends. When I left the room and came back in, I noticed a old lady who was at a spot to the right of my POV. I resumed my conversation with my friends but time started to slow....and everything start turning into blood and gore. In the slow motion I see my friends and the old lady start melting into a fleshy puddle. I looked at my right hand that was starting to melt too but i kind of willed myself to stop melting. I looked at the old lady but by then she turned into a monster. I took somewhat shaky control of myself and i turned around sneaked into a room and locked the door. At this point both my physical body and mind wanted to escape this dream but my body couldnt move or shake the dream away so I felt a almost pure animalic fear to the point where i actually willed a shotgun into existence. As it materialized a bloody asian man and woman bursted through the door and i shot them.
-I Dont mention any dreams unless it has a actually shakes me to the core because those are the ones that probably has some form of meaning .
-In my waking life, Im trying to be more social with other coworkers and volunteers but i feel like im walking on eggshells because i dont know if asking out coworkers are acceptable or not.
-As of right now im using "the book of pook" by pook as a reference book to help improve my life overall. As in getting women by improving my life overall.
-Question: Where do i go to get the stages of AM5 to reverse anti piracy code? Im thinking of running it after 32-40 days of the current programs.
EDIT#1
-I think I'm getting this dream because recently after reading the book of pook I decided to fight against my old habits. It went from a mild aggression in my thoughts to full blown I want to fight other guys, fuck as many women I want to, and go all out caveman on everything. The steam has died down but I want to revive it again to its peak because it feels like a powerful drug. i think i should name this drug "Masculinity" .

[ben123456305]

-Asked the coworker out.
her:blah blah blah
Me: "yeah. wanna go bowling after work?"
her: nah no money
Me: Its my treat.
Her: decline anyways
She declined so whatever. she seemed interested i dont know lol

[ben123456305]

Day 23 11/15/14
-I realized that during my childhood years, My only constant form of personal female interaction was with my sister. So this applied to every interaction with women. I end up treating them as a sister instead.
-I feel like this Sub combo isnt really working out for me. Im indeed learning alot but not in the critical areas such as academics but in the areas of self improvement.
I feel like theres something blocking me from focusing on studies but i dont know what it is.

[ben123456305]

Day 26 11/18/14
approached the female coworker that im interested in. Dont know if shes interested or not.
Going to prepare for a run though of AM5 by running OGSF for 60-90 days next week.

[ben123456305]

Started Ogsf a few days ago.
- A bunch of my dreams are about running away from things and people.
-Strangely im angry when people laugh or generally have a good time. It is so odd, I would hear some one laugh and I would have a sudden flash of rage.
-Becoming increasingly quiet in social situations.
-Becoming sensitive?
-The lyrics from a rock band Keeps repeating in my head even though I havent heard it in 1-2 years "I know who i am inside, Im perfectly broken".

[ben123456305]

Day 0 12/1/14
Hadn't used the sub for 5 days due to circumstances so i decided to start over.
-I feel so empty inside.
-it seems like everyone's lives are great while im just stuck hallow and shallow all the way though.