Ampers&'s Alpha Male Journal [COMPLETE]

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 16

At work, I wasn't given much with which to be productive; in fact, I was transferred from one job site to another, and it took me an hour to commute. And I left a document with a lot of relevant files on the desk at the first site. My boss forgot it when he came up to see me too lol.

So I had a lot of time at the desk alone with the sub playing on hypersonic. It was strange because the on-site nutritionist was acting strange around me (hmm, maybe she was confused by my semi-attractiveness, meaning that I likely shifted between manorisms of an attractive person and a meak person). I probably confused the poor girl lol.

My boss basically asked: "Don't you have a hard time keeping up in French?"; though I take some time to express myself, and sometimes stumble, I completely understand what everyone is saying. People must think I'm a deaf mute or something. I do keep quiet though.

I came up with this great visualisation tool; it builds off of "Think and Grow Rich", you know, that part where it has you listing what you want and what you'll do in exchange. What I do is make a list of "What I'll Be Doing With The Money I Make", and this money is in the millions. Everything gets listed, with some degree of detail, on the cars I drive, the colognes I wear, the library that I'll have in my home.

I got frustrated about not having any video game consoles to play, so I added "I'll have all the video game consoles that I want, and play as much as I want". This list is strictly money, so everytime I'll have a money frustration, it's "opposite" goes on the list, so I visualize something useful instead of being tense. Shannon, as a scripting expert, perhaps there's a more useful way to word those desires.

I had a geek out over Zelda Historia, and watched quite a few videos on the Zelda timeline once I got home from work, which cut into my productivity. I also have to study for a mid-term that I'll take online this week. I dealt with a piece of that today, but not as much as I would've liked.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 17

I'm a little bit frustrated and just want to skip over to Stage 2 is, where the good stuff is (undoubtedly).

I'm feeling much more solid, especially in looking in myself in reflections (sometimes unexpectedly, like in windows and not mirrors). I look much older, like a mature person.

After a day of co-op, I had been invited to a bar, but I just went to the pre-drink. There were some girls that I hadn't met before, who, thought semi-attractive, turned me off at their demeanor and certain attitudes.

Wondering about cutting out masturbations drastically; I don't look at porn anymore, though sometimes I catch some beach babe's picture in some meme website like cracked.com, but I still masturbate once every three or four days; I usually decide to when I get that feeling of "god damn look at that girls' booty" with many more women than usual. That might be sex transmutation in action, and I might be throwing it away far too soon. But I don't know how to tackle this.
tl;dr: No porn, but Mast. every 3-4 days; might double the time to 6-8 days.

I notice that I sometimes have social anxiety, and have considered myself an "introvert". Funny enough, I had no problem keeping up conversation in the pre-drink, then they turned my music on; my brain sort of shut off.

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Funny enough, speaking of women, there's a married woman at my work place who's middle aged, and don't have that sort of body that I'm attracted to, but GOD DAMN, she's got something about her. Wanna fuck her silly every time I see her, and of course I won't because it's a co-op and I'd be in HUGE trouble if I did, so I'm simply saving that sort of energy for my work. She has more of an appeal for me than another woman there with a nice body and closer to my age. Strange, because that's not happened before.

My horizons have broadened on what's attractive (or simply beautiful) to me; black women? You bet! Slightly bigger women? Let's see what happens! My standards have always been high for looks, which I've never known why, but might be my looks (humble brag), but I like the way women look.

I also feel that I'm escaping this tractor beam pull, partially due to "A Course In Miracles", which I'm now exactly 123 days in; that feeling that I don't need to FEEL any particular way about anything, which is a very freeing contemplation. Made me wonder how fucked up we all are in general, given that I'm leaving behind what I considered to be normal..

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 18.

It was a good day; I got to work earlier and thus on time today. I'm sleeping "better", which still means that I put it off and would like to get satisfying sleep as soon as possible.

I got very frustrated when I tried to play guitar and couldn't perform quite up to par. Then, I realized that I JUST started doing percussive techniques on top of my acoustic guitar playing. Pretty tricky, and so immature to expect to be good at it within 4 hours of practice in a week.

Besides that, I have an open mic tomorrow, and have to figure out a way to get there and still do a mastermind session online with some coffee shop's wifi. I'll figure it out.

ERR! I have this feeling of being pent up, and it's growing; I want to have it all. I don't want to be where I am right now, but I still have to have gratitude for this.

As Shannon says, sounds like a breakthrough is around the corner.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 19

Some old patterns are returning (just a little bit). I spent a chunk of my free time getting myself ready in another part of town to do an open mic. When I showed up, I got a hit of social anxiety; it sucks and sat and did nothing until I went up and played twenty minutes later. I was frustrated, since I could've simply said "Hey, how's it going?" to whoever was nearby.

The open mic went very well, and I really opened up on stage; afterwards, I was sociable since I had done something to "win over the audience", so to speak.

I have a midterm coming up, and can't seem to focus; I normally have good study habits, but in my opinion, the material is so devoid of actual content, where there's truly not a point in memorizing the information, since a question can be asked on anything. Since the midterm is online, it's to my advantage where the right information is, and on which pages or slides, so that I can organize my knowledge on the midterm.

Alas, it's getting very late. So I'll have 5-6 hours of sleep until the last co-op day of the week. By the way, that's edging by slowly, given that I'm not given enough stuff to do, so if I hit a dead end, I wind up doing online "research" on Majora's Mask lol. I left work early (it was actually recommended by a superior) given that I had nothing else to do, with 20 minutes left. My co-op coordinator is visiting today, so tomorrow is a sort of checkpoint.

I bought a ticket for a Latina gala; many fun times might be ahead.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 20

Pretty much all you need to know is in this video
[http://youtu.be/8snYmEM3FZw]

Notice that there's a desk where I'm standing, so I sit down at that spot in the morning and go through the morning ritual. Feel free to ask any questions.

Too tired to give a thorough update right now. Going to bed

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 20 (yesterday)

To recap, I had my co-op professor come to talk to me about some of my shortcomings, and knew just what to say in order to have me feel the negative effects of my actions (which I've come to realise that this is a very positive thing). I have to start taking more action in my co-op, and not spend so much time analysing. And hey, this means the exact same translates to my real life, hence the pain behind that information being given to me.

Stage 1, Day 21

I went to my group project meeting, then went to work at 1 until 9, then I went to a latina social.

My story must be kicking on; I'm starting to go out and worry about being social. One event, I feel the social anxiety and don't talk to many people. Tonight, however, I talked to whoever was there. I must've chatted to 50-60+ people tonight, basically saying "hey, how's it going?" and getting very positive responses from most people (some people early on got weirded out, which might be a weird vibe from my part), but that got handled with time. By the way, it was a latin based event with some salsa and a social. I had basically zero anxiety doing any of this.

Funny thing was that the one girl that caught my eye several times (sexy as fuck) throughout the evening was, later in the night, with her friends at a table. I just go up and introduce myself and kept things flirty and light, answer the standard questions when they were asked. Most of the conversation was between myself and her with her friends watching.

Long story short, we didn't hook up. But I got a ride home from them, and we have each other contact information. And we talked to each other a lot after we had "parted ways" and saw each other later. She was super chill.

The moral: Even the hottest women can be very chill and cool if you know how to talk to them through their "facade" that they have to create against guys in the matrix.
To work on: The sexy vibe, and less being in my head. Go out more when it works with my schedule (I'll be working 55 hour weeks from now on)

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 22

Not much is going on; it was a complete day off of everything; so I releaxed, took my time, went to the gym.

My vision for my life in the future seems to be clarifying; as Abraham Hicks puts it, the actual manifestation process is complete when you've clarified it mentally and keep the correct emotions associated with those images.

I'm also getting a sense for a deeper level of joy and bliss that I could be feeling; that's there's so much more to my awareness that I could be experiencing. That said, I did some Qing Natural Grounding (basically Natural Grounding with some energy movement), and am having an awesome experience.

Watching this makes it pretty powerful - 2nd Japan Tour of Girls' Generation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtO-fc_A9Dk), or anything in The Vault by Rion Freeberg; I'm presently watching the samples (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ARlXguvJTk).

Of course, support the artists as you get value on this level; I already have the 1st Asia tour on DVD by GGs, so I may see if I can find the 2nd Japan Tour at HMV or around my mall.

I'm having ideas for future music videos, future live concerts, though I'm several steps away from getting to that level. I'd first have to build a following, record the album. The "how" is said to be the least important, so I leave that to the universe and my subconscious mind to work out.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 23 (the 18th of November)

I was sent home relatively early to work remotely, since there was no place for me Monday. I had a long walk back, through heavy winds, a near-hail storm, on a 1/2 mile long bridge complete with highway (fun!).

At home, around 2-3pm, I kept getting the feeling that something was going very wrong, and I couldn't shake it (like the yucky feeling, opposite of success or sexy). I felt like checking my mailbox around that time and find a letter saying that I have to start paying back my student loans.

So I panic, since I don't have to yet, AND my parents have already seen me as financially irresponsible back in the summer, so I want to settle this quickly. I head down to my bank, and the teller told me to call them right away (I was set to start paying on the 30th of Nov). I call, and it turns out that my application to financial aid was enough to prove that I'm a student, and all I had to do to put everything back to normal was to pay the tiny bit of interest that accumulated (nearly 6$). Sigh of relief for everybody.

After that, I find an event for Bachata dancing online (feeling much more relaxed), and have resolve that I will go (around 6:30 a few blocks away). After a self-cooked meal, I head over, and I dance with all the women; it was a rotation.

I specifically connect with an Iranian woman (which has happened before; Iranian woman have this aura of femininity that I enjoy). During the social dance, I pick her out a couple times (between the other women), and we chat. At one point, I ask "what do you like the most about Canada?", and she replies "the peace". Wow. That hit me pretty hard.

She kept saying that she'll remember my name for Facebook, but kept checking with me by spelling it, and she kept getting it wrong (lol). It was cute, and she finally wrote it down. We might go to a Blues dance lesson at the same place. It was a great dance lesson.

Afterwards, I got the feeling that people were on my case. Maybe people are hating, and that's messing with my Chi. Who knows..

I finally figured out my placement, and its connection with my class work; basically, this placement is connected to the class notes, which I could use as a checklist to make sure I've covered everything. No more uncertainty.

I want to develop a better sleeping habit, so I'm adding an extra hour (which started the 19) to my sleeping. My being tired does hold me back in the early afternoon (around 2-3 pm).

Eating a later supper, I feel a rough CRUNCH; I may have broken off a small chip of my back top right molar; I couldn't tell with a simple wall mirror. I'll be scheduling a dentist's appointment and see what they say.

A friend of mine put up a study about men and masculinity that had me feel slighted. It wouldn't've been an issue, BUT, it was right around International Men's Day, so I contacted her asking that she consider what she wrote given the circumstances. She gave a pretty articulate logic behind her posting, though she didn't know about the day, so she agreed to remove it.

I'm having this distinction between avoiding the feeling of negative consequences, and avoiding the feeling of PAIN associated to negative consequences. I suppose my body goes into the feeling of extreme discomfort when I'm doing something against my higher good.

For example, nowadays, when my nails get too long, I get VERY uncomfortable until they're cut. Same goes for some sorts of school work; I feel bad until I take care of it. I'd prefer to do it out of intrinsic desire, but the program is what it is, and I react to it the way I should.

Stage 1, Day 24 (Today, November 19)

Nothing major to report. I had a rather productive day on one hand, but certain aspects depends on the technician, and she's been pretty busy, so it was still held back. I helped where I could, like taking the technician's spot on the kitchen assembly line, since I had nothing left to do, and she had a lot to do, so it made sense.

I'm closing holes in my co-op manual, but some sections require her help. So I do require some blocks of 10-15 minutes at a time. I did not like that we didn't meet when we said we would; in fact, we didn't meet at all. But given the circumstances, it's completely understandable.

I met two of the people I met on my first day of the new co-op. We talked about Zelda some more, but then we starting talking about hobbies and real stuff. I have their information now, so I'll add them on Facebook.

Got some practice in FLR Korean. After work, I knocked off some parts of a major project, and I downloaded some Anki decks in various languages, for future reference. So I feel good.

Stage 2 is starting next Wednesday, if I'm not mistaken.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 25,

I'm getting to work on time much more consistently. Now that I'm working more with Law of Attraction and my morning habit (which involves LoA), I get to the bus stop SECONDS before the right bus comes along. This happens often now. I no longer think "Thank goodness I got here when I did, I should be more responsible!". Now I say "The bus is right on time.. yeah.."

I'm becoming better at creating work for myself and adapting to new contingencies.

In spending all my lunch time on language learning, my brain gets tired after I get off lunch, but that extra time that I slept last night made that tired period go away rather quickly. I also noticed that my vitality has been gradually increased over this span, which might be do to 24 days of morning ritual as well.

After work, I bused back (it took a few minutes to arrive) to campus. Funny enough, the bus driver announced a detour that made us take a different bridge from Gatineau to Ottawa, avoiding a traffic jam. This new route was actually faster than any runthrough of the original route. I get to the event (a Healthcare Organisation Learning event) at the right time. I spot a cute girl near the start that's across the room. The event went well, and me and the cute girl wind up talking to the same organiser. We fall into a brief conversation, walk and talk outside, and then I blurt out:

"And, uh, you're really cute"

Oh, well that happened.. She took it pretty well, smiled and said "thank you", but I became a total pussy after that. Well.. I stayed pretty quiet until the end (which took 10 more seconds). She basically said "so if you're going to the next event, I might see you there!", and I'm like "yeah, we might see each other", and we said bye and walked away empty handed.

I've called girls cute, gorgeous, beautiful before (many times, actually), and kept it very cool the whole conversation. I don't know what happened. I was tired, spending over 11 hours on the go, focused, or at work, so my resistance to bullshit was pretty low. Maybe my value conflicts of persue-or-be-persued were clicking on, and that inner mind of "she has to be the one persuing you, idiot!". Then I was thinking "do I offer my info, do I ask for hers? We've only chatted for 30 seconds"

Either way, walking away, I was so glad I said it; it was a learning experience. And who knows if I'll ever heard from her again.

Back home, my brain is pretty fried, but I spent some time learning more Spanish. I really should've been writing more for my project, but it wouldn't be quality material. I will shower, eat, and then sleep after an evening ritual of repeating my Definite Chief Aim and some basic visualisations.

Shit, I can't even imagine my life without my ritual nowadays.

[stratos]

Just do the usual "Shoot me a text some time if you're up for a glass of wine.", trade info and be gone..

[Ampersnd]

See, if I didn't make that error, then I wouldn't have had your advice, nor that great stock line to use. Thanks!

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 26,

Slept enough and woke up feeling pretty good; my morning ritual is going well. Wound up a little late for the bus, so 10 minutes late for work; took that time from my lunch to make up for it. Studied Korean, Italian, and Spanish, and got a whole lot done today at work.

I pull together a mastermind session with another individual; someone that I met at an open mic. And I'm planning to take on an open mic next Thursday. I will be on Stage 2 by then.

And near the end of the masterminding session, a friend of mine called and wanted to get breakfast food at 10:30pm. Why not! I went, and we had a good time. Gotta get some sleep tonight!

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 27,

On little sleep, still woke up feeling fine, got to work on time, and worked well.
Eating lots of carbs (Chinese food) was a bad idea on an energetic level, and left me feeling a little spent for a meeting in the mid-afternoon.

I went out to watch a friend in her comedy troup; the waitress was, frankly, quite gorgeous, and we chatted slightly longer than a normal conversation would in that dynamic. Direct eye contact for most of the time (I logically understood that her naked body would feel yummy rubbing up against mine (and those breasts.. MMHM!), but I really didn't care about that while talking with her).

She basically invited me to their open mic on Thursday, and I think I might go and play; women need to be blown away sometimes..

Stage 2 starts in 5-6 days, so I'm excited for that to start.

Two net positives on Stage 1 so far:
- I'm very brazzen on taking on new habits and sticking to them; example: languages, morning ritual. They're automatic
- I'm more social, and take on more opportunities to go out, even if I have to drop a couple of bucks to get in (a piece of resistance before)

The rest is more or less related, or just noticeable changes.

This article made me interested in re-considering polyphasic sleep ( http://www.businessinsider.com/this-guy-...rs-2013-11). I've "attempted" it once, but it was an impulsive try without any planning or consideration.. long story short, I stayed up late one night and napped for too long. I will use the basic sleep subliminals to work that out (Deep, Restful Sleep, and Sleep Optimizer), or just use it to shorten my overall sleep hours.

I've had problems sleeping for most of my life, so bringing a close to that will be useful.
I've also planned out a possible layout for the next 1.5 years with these subliminals.

Alpha Male: October 26, 2013 - May 10, 2014
Sleep subs: Sometime during Alpha Male for short amounts of time

Ultra Success 4G and Maximum Learning Speed 4G - May 10, 2014 - September 10, 2014
MIGHT be Maximum Sales Success instead of Ultra Success

Sex Magnet 5G (maybe I'll buy) - September 10, 2014 - March 10, 2015. I might try to end my last day exactly on my 23rd birthday (March 10), with some ridiculous birthday sex. The main reason for this sub , and not Woman magnet, is that I want the very sexy vibe, like a Ryan Gosling. This is useful as an aspiring musician. Woman Magnet would give me the "sociable" vibe, and though I want to surround myself with fun, beautiful women, the sexy aura is truly the main priority.

Attract Your Perfect Job 5G - March 20, 2015 until success

I want the job of a highly-paid musician, releasing albums, producing high-end music videos, and touring; but that year, I'm also graduating my Nutrition major, so I'll be looking for work either way. This might be the way to finding that perfect job, especially with the Self-Optimizing script I keep hearing about.

I've still felt a general amount of anxiety today and yesterday; I think it's scraping at the bottom of the barrel, so there's not much left. I also had the general feel that I was completely unattractive to women, because of their not paying me much attention (besides that waitress thing). That feeling is attached to my current results, and floats in the wind, so I don't trust that emotion.

I wanna start Stage 2!

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 28

Basically met for a school project and then went to work for 8.5 hours; studied Italian and Spanish, missed Korean today.

I seem to be skipping days on 'A Course in Miracles' wherein I'm not actually doing the lessons. When I do the days, I often forget to do my reflection; I might put it on pause to build up more desire to do it.

Taking Geodude's advice to tap away everything that bothers me; I have a mild grievance with the mutual group that we're in, but there's nothing more than that. I'll give some updates here.

I'm also working tomorrow, so I'll be busy and away from earphones. But more money.

I had the courage to realise that I have to start playing original songs at my open mics, instead of hiding behind some cover songs which I have gotten good at; obviously, a healthy mix is best. I'll start configuring them for an acoustic guitar and voice in short notice.

Gonna do two open mics on Thursday; that's also gonna be Stage 2, Day 1. Will I have some ready? We'll see.