LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

Had a really weird dream. I found a tiny caterpillar that I kept around. It grew, a lot. Eventually it grew into this big centipede thing about the size of my arm. But I noticed it would try to bite my arm, it was getting out of control. Eventually it did something bad, ate a pet dog or something can't really remember. All my family said I needed to kill it. And I looked at this thing and cried because I felt love for it despite how creepy it seemed or how violent it was getting.

I honestly don't have a clue what the meaning of this dream is. The only thing I can guess is that this thing is a subconscious representation of my fears. A weird sort of attachment to them. Still that doesn't make sense. Why would I have compassion for fear?

Aside from that I've been really tired of short changing myself in life. Always worrying about money, always worrying about careers, always worrying about stability and safety. It seems like there's an expectancy that I have to work through all these hardships to make it out the other side. But I think that's just because I grew up in an environment where that's what happened. My parents were always having issues financially, always working jobs they didn't like, always telling me I could do or be anything I want but not showing it in their own actions.

Nobody besides myself is causing this low standard of living in my life. So why do I insist on punishing myself and denying myself things that will make my life happier and easier? It always seems like I hold off on giving myself anything good until I feel worthy of it. But the problem is that feeling of worthiness never comes so I end up in an infinite loop of wanting things but never allowing myself to have them. Sometimes it really does feel like I'm dragging myself through life vs living it.

I got so angry and frustrated today when I was at work. Having to work on this report. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't piece together the answers, I didn't get it. All I wanted to do was put my fist through the damn computer monitor and leave the building. I felt like an idiot for not being able to focus or piece together what it was I needed to do. I don't know if I was just struggling with what I was doing in general or the 6 loops of LTU has been diminishing my cognitive ability and it upset me. I have stuff to do but A. I don't care about it and B. I feel like lately I don't have the mental capacity for any of it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

One of the UMS modules: 

1. Stop punishing and/or limiting yourself with poverty.Sounds like you need to go on UMS for a bit. It's even got E3 directed at achieving monetary success. And the E3 in it is aggressive, but LTU5 should have gotten you ready for it. So you should heal that part of you that stops you from getting good things, because it stands in the way of UMS. I think UMS would be a really good idea.

[mat422]

Hmmmm you might be right. I just read the sales page for UMS and I just realized how full of limiting beliefs I am around financial success. I will seriously consider getting on this.

@Shannon I'm trying not to run from LTU5 or get derailed into something else. But I'm wondering if UMS might be a piece of the puzzle for me improving my life. Maybe help me find more security by easing my money worries. I have been feeling kind of stuck lately, but I don't want to give up on LTU5 if it's pushing me in the right direction. What do you think?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You know... you CAN take a temporary break from LTU5 and go back on it after a while of UMS. It seems the problems you're facing right now are problems UMS can heal faster. Just my 2 cents.

But yeah @Shannon What do YOU think?

[mat422]

That is true. Maybe get me over this financial hump. I know I bargain a lot. Telling myself I don't need much in life, but I feel like that's probably just me limiting myself. I'm gonna buy ums tonight.

[mat422]

Ugh indecision. I guess the question is, what's the real problem here? Is it really financial stuff? Or is it just a projection of something else? I'm not gonna lie LTU has been incredibly rough for me lately. I wake up in the morning nauseous. Last night I didn't sleep well. It's been ramping up and to me that seems like a piece of me is losing more and more control. I can't quit now.

I'm really a mess right now. My apartment is not terrible but it could use cleaning. I feel like shit because of it. I don't have the energy to clean, but I feel like most people would accuse me of being lazy. I haven't been eating well. I don't feel hungry a lot of the time. When I do cook for myself I try to give myself enough portions for lunch, but sometimes it doesn't work out so I just don't eat for lunch. Right now I feel like I can't take care of myself all that well.

I know I'm supposed to execute everything for LTU, but I'm just tired. I really only have enough energy for my music and beyond that I'm dragging myself. That's why I'm sticking to LTU. It's really important to me. I need to better myself, I need to break these habits, I need to heal myself for myself out of compassion. Right now I just feel so beat down. Like I can't handle my life right now, can't handle the idea of the necessities for survival in life.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well, the E3 in UMS is pretty aggressive, so if you're worn out by LTU5, I dunno if you'll be any less worn out by UMS...

Then again, maybe UMS is perfect for you right now. I can see why you'd be having a hard time deciding.

[Omni3]

mat422, having read some of your journals in the past it is evident what the best course of action for you is right now.

Stick with the program and don't run away!!!

It's good that you're arriving at the same conclusion. Seems like LTU is doing its thing and your gonna move through it.

All the best.

[Shannon]

What do I think? I think LTU is slowly but surely making progress, regardless of what your fearful subconscious tries to do about it, and I think that if you think you're getting your ass handed to you right now, just try running UMS.

Although, if you do it right, UMS is pretty amazing. But we still don't really know how exactly to use it properly. I get the feeling that the self configuring module is not working as it is designed to, and the usage requirements may be too complex for a single dimension of instructions, like 1 loop for 1 day, and then 7 days off.

UMS is only going after one goal, and that is finances, and everything else is aimed at that. E3 is much more aggressive, but it is only aimed at financial success. The program has a lot more power, but it is only aimed at financial success. FRM 4.6 is more advanced and ME2 makes the whole program much more powerful. But again... only aimed at financial success.

Going to UMS means starting over in a way.

Do you accomplish your goals by changing goals in the middle of the accomplishment cycle?

Considering all these things makes me think you should probably stick with LTU5. But in the end, I can't know all of what is going on in your life - so you must be the one to make the choice.

Oh, and UMS requires a 6 month block of time.

[mat422]

Thanks guys. And Shannon I've decided to stick with LTU. I'm seeing this though to the end until I'm happy with where I'm at. Switching to UMS would indeed be starting over for me and I can't have that.

[Shannon]

Your fearful side would be trying to run to a hotter frying pan, if you did do UMS. Hooey, this is no damned joke.

I think there will come a time when UMS is a good idea for you, but for now, my opinion is that you should just keep applying slowly and steadily increasing pressure with LTU.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Your fearful side would be trying to run to a hotter frying pan, if you did do UMS.  Hooey, this is no damned joke.

I think there will come a time when UMS is a good idea for you, but for now, my opinion is that you should  just keep applying slowly and steadily increasing pressure with LTU.

@Shannon If things continue to go good with E3, and I make it to day 90 without healing pains (or at least without too many healing pains) I intend to switch over to UMS for a year in order to get my shitty financial situation in order, wanting to make $3,600 a month. 

I realize the E3 in UMS is a lot more aggressive, but is aimed at acheiving UMS, and should probably have little to do directly with the friendship breakup, which after using E3 for over 70 days and after having a discussion with my online mentor about my karmic issues and how to resolve them, I feel I have gotten a lot better about. 

What I'm trying to get at is: Do you think UMS will be okay for me to use after 90 days of E3 if everything continues to go well up to that point? Because I really could do to achieve that goal and get my finances in order.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I agree. I've always know deep inside myself what I need to heal, what holds me back. I know those are the things that cause my unhappiness, not a lack of money. But I won't limit myself from money either in the future.

So I was really down today. I wanted to work on music but I was feeling that overwhelmed stressed out feeling. I decided to go into my room and lay down instead. I fell asleep and felt like I was in emotional pain. Then I decided to focus on love and compassion for myself. I told myself nothing else mattered in this moment except generating that love for myself. It's always been the question of "why do I deserve love?" But this time I told myself and basically forced myself that I deserved it, regardless of anything. Initially the fearful part of me recoiled and tried to run from it, but I stayed committed. It's not always easy just loving yourself. A part of me threw up a lot of resistance to it, but the important part is not buying into those lies and to keep moving forward.

I told myself I was deserving of happiness no matter how I felt, great relationships, a joyful life, a life doing what I want to do. I told myself no more struggling, I've struggled enough in life. It's time things got easier for me, fun, enjoyable. I told myself everything is a little bit scary at first, but eventually we conquer that fear and it's not such a big deal. It's all possible as long as we take steps towards it. I realized every time I made music and felt like it wasn't good enough I reflected on my life and how I was never going to go anywhere with the music, how I'd be a loser chasing a dream who couldn't even take care of himself properly with a stable job, that I was a screw up. But it's not failure, I just started later and I've had a lot to deal with. As long as I keep chipping away at it I'll get there.

There's been a lot of emotional pain I haven't been able to get to because I wouldn't accept the healing in the first place. But my own well being comes first, then the music. If that means I have to take it easy some days I shouldn't beat myself up for not grinding it out and pushing past it all. My best stuff comes when I'm in a good place, not scrambling and trying desperately.

I don't know if I've been resisting everything these past few months or something has been chipped away at and it's coming to the surface. But I'm going to be working harder to give myself unconditional happiness. I don't need a reason, I don't need to justify why I deserve good things in my life no matter how much a part of me thinks it does. This is a big step up for me however. I've lived for a long time of depriving myself of these things. I'm easing into it. You'd think flooding yourself with love and happiness as much as possible at once would be a good thing, but I've learned even the good things my subconscious is afraid of. So we're taking it easy, allowing every day to be better than the last but without diving head first into it all.

[Shannon]

Your fearful side would be trying to run to a hotter frying pan, if you did do UMS.  Hooey, this is no damned joke.

I think there will come a time when UMS is a good idea for you, but for now, my opinion is that you should  just keep applying slowly and steadily increasing pressure with LTU.

@Shannon If things continue to go good with E3, and I make it to day 90 without healing pains (or at least without too many healing pains) I intend to switch over to UMS for a year in order to get my shitty financial situation in order, wanting to make $3,600 a month. 

I realize the E3 in UMS is a lot more aggressive, but is aimed at acheiving UMS, and should probably have little to do directly with the friendship breakup, which after using E3 for over 70 days and after having a discussion with my online mentor about my karmic issues and how to resolve them, I feel I have gotten a lot better about. 

What I'm trying to get at is: Do you think UMS will be okay for me to use after 90 days of E3 if everything continues to go well up to that point? Because I really could do to achieve that goal and get my finances in order.

I think that the design of UMS is focused on ultimate monetary success.  In most people, that is held back by a veritable web of issues that all work together to keep you where you are.  And UMS will find every single one of those threads and deal with them.

So using UMS may not be what you think.  It will eventually result in what you're after, but the journey won't be without some serious in your face challenges and repercussions, coming from where you are.

That said... if you think you're up for it, by all means.  I'm looking forward to seeing how you and Mat react to UMS.  I am continually amazed by it myself.  But don't think it's going to let your subconscious get out of dealing with issues like this girl, because dollars to donuts, that issue is part of what's holding you back from wealth too.

Hope you like rollercoasters.  lol  But honestly, once you're into the ride a bit, it starts becoming enjoyable.  I woke up with a serious backache this morning, as if I had just finished a brutal workout, and usually this would upset me, make for a negative point of view, etc.  But instead, I feel as if that backache resulted from working through something big successfully, and I feel happy and proud of it.  I don't know what was dealt with, but I do know that I succeeded in overcoming whatever it was, and I'm proud of that fact.  And that makes the backache feel good in an odd way.  

If you do UMS, I suggest you either: 

A) Start with 1 loop 1 day and 7 days off.  Then shorten the days of, one per cycle until you hit 4 or 5 days off and then start working on adding more days on.  So first cycle would be 1x1, 7x0.  Second cycle would be 1x1, 6x0.  Third cycle would be 1x1, 5x0.  Then you might do 2x1, 5x0, and then 3x1, 5x0.  Eventually this will lead to where you hit a point where you can't or don't want to advance, so you use that for a while and then try to advance.  Sooner or later you'll find that you have hit your limit.  Alternatively, instead of 2x1 (2 days on, one loop per day), you might do 1x2 (one day on, two loops per day) and then 1x3 and so forth.

B) Follow your gut and see what happens.