LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

Ended up running LTU for the rest of my work day. Towards the end I noticed myself getting increasingly more agitated and anxious. Also a burning type sensation in my chest.

@Shannon what should I be looking out for in terms of signals that I'm overdoing it? I notice the longer I listen, the more agitated/on edge I get. But some part of me feels like it should continue despite this. The first hour LTU felt like it was relaxing me. But the longer I listened, the more it changed. I don't know if I was overloading myself or if I was digging into deeper stuff that kicked up fear. It's hard to tell where the cutoff point should be for me sometimes. Understanding when I should stop vs not giving in to fear based responses that make me quit too early.

[Shannon]

I can't say that I know the answer to that for your particular case, I'm afraid. You'll have to rely on your best judgement.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I guess I'll just have to keep pushing and see where my limit is. Right now I'm officially at 6 loops at night using hybrid. During the days it is probably going to vary. But I imagine at least 1 or 2 additional loops of ultrasonic on my cell phone except on my rest days. I plan on sticking to this consistently and seeing what comes of it. I'm pretty much in experimentation mode right now. I'll start with 1 loop during the day and work up from there like I initially planned with the loops at night. Unfortunately I'm pretty much capped out for the nightly loops. I'm doing this the verifiable way as opposed to what I did yesterday which was looping LTU without a specified number.

[mat422]

Took Shannon's advise about working on music without releasing or sharing. It's been helping. I'd be lying if I said I didn't seek some kind of validation out of making my music. It's weird though, I'm not needy about it. Hell I don't even like sharing my music half the time and when people say they like it I just feel awkward about it. Yet I still have a tendency to look outward to see if what I create is good. Dumb stuff too, like worrying if my drums punch enough. But the question I rarely ask myself is how do I want these to sound? Vs how should they sound. I think I'm still just very insecure about my stuff and the fact is I should do what I like, but at the same time I need to take pride in what I create as well.

On that note I've let go of the ridiculous standards I was striving for. I reframed it though. I told myself if I hear an artist I like and admire their music production skills, I should only strive for their level if it helps me communicate my own ideas. Otherwise it's born out of insecurity and I'm only going to stress myself out trying to be "good".

Completely unrelated but I'm catching feelings for a girl I work with. And I swear ever since I started upping my exposure to LTU she's been talking with me more. She's married though and pregnant, that's pretty much a no go. So I'm just sitting on these feelings hoping the infatuation passes. Maybe if I'm lucky it'll be more of a friendship thing it evolves into. But one thing is for certain, this happens all the time when I get the slightest bit of attention from someone I like.

[mat422]

I'm finding it hard to move past whatever this block is for LTU. It feels like the next step up, but I feel almost repelled from it. I went to a minimal techno show last night and while I was listening to the music I started imagining myself up there performing. It felt right to me, felt like what I should be doing in my life. The show went late and I was dead tired the next day. I crashed at my friend's place then went home in the afternoon. Even though I was tired I was filled with so much inspiration for my music that I started something new. And I put it together in the most raw way possible, I didn't even get the tempo set right. I was just doing it all by feel. I realized my fear of where to go next in a track or what to do is what I've experienced as writer's block. It's not that I lacked ideas but rather I was too afraid to explore.

[mat422]

Played one loop during the day today. I thought it would help me feel better, but it just brought on this internal anxiety that wouldn't go away. I'll keep note of how I interact through the week. If I don't adjust to one loop, I'm likely not going to go for two. My theory right now is that as needed is probably better off left for days when I really need it and I'm feeling my worst. I should listen to it until I notice internal tension and back off. I think that internal tension is a signal that my body is hitting it's limit for what it can process. Going along with that I suspect a higher amount of loops are necessary to override that afraid side. So what happens with one full loop is I get enough influence to start focusing internally on things, but not enough to counteract the resistance brought up by my subconscious. So I get stuck in a tug of war that fills me with anxiety.

I think I'm still stuck in the mentality that I have to experience fear and face it, subject myself to it and be strong and fight. But that's never worked in the past, so it probably isn't going to work now. Some days I just feel like crap because some of the things I'm afraid of are ridiculous. Then I try to push myself beyond my current means and burn out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah, using E3 liberally has also lead to issues similar to yours. I'm glad you're finding a way to tweak your usage to an optimal benefit

You'll get past this. I believe in you man!

[mat422]

Thanks man. The support is much appreciated!

[mat422]

I feel terrible. The only way I can put it. I'm getting those feelings again that I haven't grown as much as I've thought. I'm getting very dissapointed in how much time I'm losing working at a job that doesn't even pay me enough to afford rent somewhere. But I'm more dissapointed that I keep staying here because I'm too afraid of going somewhere else. Whatever confidence I had in my skills is gone. I need more money but I also don't want to take on additional bullshit like this job has taught me. When work starts leaking into every day life. I don't care about this company at all, but there's an overall vibe that it's the most important thing in your life when you're working here. I hate it.

Just needed to vent a little. That's where my head is at right now. I've always struggled with the idea that I'm a capable person. I always feel like I'm behind. But lately the fear isn't driving me to improve. Instead there's complete apathy. If something doesn't align with me I feel completely apathetic to it. There's no drive or internal motivation to solve issues or learn new things at my job because to put it bluntly I don't care. I guess you could say I'm dealing with some depression right now and I'm just going through the motions of this job

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I feel terrible. The only way I can put it. I'm getting those feelings again that I haven't grown as much as I've thought. I'm getting very dissapointed in how much time I'm losing working at a job that doesn't even pay me enough to afford rent somewhere. But I'm more dissapointed that I keep staying here because I'm too afraid of going somewhere else. Whatever confidence I had in my skills is gone. I need more money but I also don't want to take on additional ***** like this job has taught me. When work starts leaking into every day life. I don't care about this company at all, but there's an overall vibe that it's the most important thing in your life when you're working here. I hate it.

Just needed to vent a little. That's where my head is at right now. I've always struggled with the idea that I'm a capable person. I always feel like I'm behind. But lately the fear isn't driving me to improve. Instead there's complete apathy. If something doesn't align with me I feel completely apathetic to it. There's no drive or internal motivation to solve issues or learn new things at my job because to put it bluntly I don't care. I guess you could say I'm dealing with some depression right now and I'm just going through the motions of this job

Hmm... maybe you should quit? Although I dunno what else you'd do for money. Maybe once you're done with LTU5, move onto UMS so you can quit your shitty job and do what you like. And remember: YOU CAN MAKE IT AS A MUSICIAN. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. I know that shit sounds corny and cliche, but it's true. If there's anything learned on this site, it's that you are capable of doing whatever you want. Maybe ask Shannon for advice? That guy seems to know a lot.

[mat422]

Thanks man. I've been looking into other jobs. Haven't applied yet though. The plan is most definitely to leave here. What they demand of me and then don't compensate me for is ridiculous. A lot of this is down to my internalized beliefs about myself. I've never been a confident person and I've never felt I was of value to anyone. Those really hold me back from getting a job that treats me well. I've constantly been in positions where people take advantage of me. I guess I still don't have a high self esteem.

I can't just up and quit though, I've gotta have something else lined up first. I've got car payments and student loans that eat into my expenses. And even though I've saved up some money working this job, it wouldn't last me long. I just dread the interview process and all the hoops people make you jump through sometimes. Especially in the IT field, lots of jerks who want a lot for little and their job requirements are retarded. So you never know what they actually need.

I don't know how much UMS would help me. I just feel like it's not really money I'm after. Well it kinda is, but it's more like freedom to allow myself to receive more than the equivalent of leftover crumbs on a plate. I just feel like my internal system is all messed up and I keep attracting and holding onto these events in my life because internally it's what I believe. I know it's not this hard for others, it's just been a constant puzzle why it is for me.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks man. I've been looking into other jobs. Haven't applied yet though. The plan is most definitely to leave here. What they demand of me and then don't compensate me for is ridiculous. A lot of this is down to my internalized beliefs about myself. I've never been a confident person and I've never felt I was of value to anyone. Those really hold me back from getting a job that treats me well. I've constantly been in positions where people take advantage of me. I guess I still don't have a high self esteem.

I can't just up and quit though, I've gotta have something else lined up first. I've got car payments and student loans that eat into my expenses. And even though I've saved up some money working this job, it wouldn't last me long. I just dread the interview process and all the hoops people make you jump through sometimes. Especially in the IT field, lots of jerks who want a lot for little and their job requirements are retarded. So you never know what they actually need.

I don't know how much UMS would help me. I just feel like it's not really money I'm after. Well it kinda is, but it's more like freedom to allow myself to receive more than the equivalent of leftover crumbs on a plate. I just feel like my internal system is all messed up and I keep attracting and holding onto these events in my life because internally it's what I believe. I know it's not this hard for others, it's just been a constant puzzle why it is for me.

I understand. I worked a shitty job I didn't like for over 10 years. Sometimes it got LITERALLY shitty. As in, spending a whole shift cleaning up septic leakage in two bathrooms, even though this is a clear violation of OSHA and not standing up for myself because I had no confidence shitty. But I was in some ways in a better position than you, because since I live with my parents, have a car handed down to me, borrow dad's car a lot and don't have student loans, I was just able to quit without a backup plan. I get why you can't do that. I would still suggest getting UMS. It has E3 aimed at achieving UMS so it should help with the problems you described. 

Right now, I'm donating plasma to get money for UMS and MLS (although I might pay for training in how to do a yoga technique known as the Cobra Breath, if that's possible instead, if I have enough money and somebody is still training in my area) I should have at least $310 at the end of the month if I do this right. 

I think you should keep using LTU5 for a bit but switch over to UMS at some point so you can get out of your shitty job and make money in a way that besuits a man with high sense of self worth. But I'm no expert, so my opinion might be way off. Just remember, you can get out of this situation. Believe in yourself. I certainly believe in you, man.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Dude, you've been on LTU5 for 6 months! Wow time flies! I remember LTU5 coming out and now it's been that long...

Let me ask you, how much do you think you've changed and your life has improved over those 6 months? Just curious. I'm curious how much of a difference 6 months on LTU5 can make.

[mat422]

Wow that long already. Well I'd have to say that in that span of time my life hasn't improved drastically. But I've felt I've made some really positive shifts internally towards helping me get what I really want out of life. A lot of my time on LTU has felt more like clearing away a ton of crap that I've internalized over the years that was just plain wrong. Unfortunately I can't say I've achieved much of the things on the product page. It is a little disappointing to be honest. Throughout this journal I know I've tried really hard to see the value LTU was bringing into my life, but at the same time I felt like maybe I was also not being honest with myself and where I was at. The desire to be further along could sometimes blind me to what still needed to be worked on.

But I'm really not the best person to look to for LTU results to be honest. I have a long track record of having issues with subliminals. But out of all of them I feel like LTU is definitely the one that allowed me to move forward more, even if it's very slowly.