Magnus' journal

[Magnus]

Thanks Shannon. Good to know ill keep pushing through the resistance. Its up there with some of the worst ive had but i know from past experiences this means im on the verge of a breakthrough

[Shannon]

Persistence is the measure of a successful man. Or woman. Whichever you happen to be.

[Magnus]

So feeling pretty lost at the moment and pretty down. Kind of like i dont know where im heading in life. I have met some of my goals but at the same time dont really care. Had my ex message me trying to meet up while my emotions were saying yes my rational brain said no and the rational won. It made me feel really good when she messaged me though felt like someone wanted me but then i realised hey this is just tye resistance which mqde me feel a little down.

Its funny though through all of this the IDGAF attitude still shines through. Ive seriously been considering running WM with gratitude lately as i need a little fun and happiness inmy life as well as some more socialising

[Magnus]

So the resistance to extreme self esteem has been brutal to say the least. I've been feeling so down on myself. So down that I ended up talking to my ex for the first time in months which made things worse. May be the worst resistance i've ever had can't go to gym, struggle at work a bit etc. Just at the point where I've almost just given up what feels like a losing battle though like I don't give a shit anymore.

So this must be touching on something very very deep.

[Spiral]

Push through man. I'm sorry you feel this way and it sucks. it's tough but it gets better. It always gets better everyday

[Magnus]

cheers spiral. I think its pushed through a lot of ego and is now hitting on some pretty sensitive stuff. Its effecting me a lot differently than I first imagined. I just didn't care what my ex thought of me for example so openly said to her she was my first and that I was a virgin till I was 20. I had never told anyone that before and felt very ashamed about it. That's the whole I couldn't care coming through but at the same time feel really down about it. Its pushing me to face some real demons though. I'm hoping its pushed through the resistance by next thursday when I leave on holiday for 3.5 weeks but we shall see

[Magnus]

So had something interesting happen today. I was having a massage to treat myself and I felt this hole being fulled in me that had been there for so long and it stayed fulled for a few hours after. While AM has made a lot of positive changes in my life a lot of them have been on a practical level as well as some mindset change. Now I know that if I was able to full this hole inside myself by myself that I could achieve a lot and feel like its a vital missing piece at the moment. I think this hole might be love specifically not feeling loved. While having a massage I was relaxed and felt loved through someone else's touch. I know for me I missed a lot of this in childhood and feel like this has been something I've struggled to get my whole life with nothing quite being able to full it for more than a short period of time. Its only now that I have really realized what it was that was missing.

Anyone got any suggestions on subs or anything else that might help this as I know if I could feel like this the whole time the gap between where I am and where I want to be would close very quickly and I can't afford to get massages everyday lol.

[Magnus]

So i'm off on holiday and also finish AM in 3 days. I know there's been some positive changes but it felt like a lot of them didn't stick and to be honest the best stage I had was stage 4.

I'll see how I am after 3.5 weeks off subs while i'm away but i'm thinking for me remove the negativity within may be a good one to go for for 3 months next before heading back to do AM5.

I have come to believe that a lot of the resistance and temporary results was due to the fact I have a very strong fear of the unknown and a lot of difficulty letting things go. I'm hoping remove the negativity within will help with this.

I've also realised I've expected to much change in such a short period of time. So I'm in this for the long haul and need to get the building blocks in place hence why I think RNW is best then alpha again before SM etc

[Magnus]

So i'm back after 3.5 weeks off. Had an awesome holiday with some interesting results.

* I was away with family and found that I was getting along better with my brother who's what you would call an alpha and less with my other brother (this used to be the other way round).
* My humour had increased
* I was generally quite relaxed for most of it
* I was a bit more comfortable around women
* I didn't think into things to much just enjoyed for the most part

I did also notice that I was still quite affected by what my family said about me and did get a little jealous at times of my brother who gets a lot of girls.

Now onto where I need to head with subs next. I'm getting kicked out of my parents place in two months and i'm scared, really scared. I view this as a good thing moving out but it will be the first time I have done it without a girlfriend.

I'm thinking of either running ASC or Remove the negativity within next to help get over this fear and to feel like I can do it. Thoughts on what might be best here?

[Ryan]

What exactly are you afraid of Jimbo?

Ryan

[Magnus]

Of being alone without anyone that cares primarily. I know its a completely irrational fear but one that I have not been able to get rid of as of yet through the various therapies etc that I have done.

I'm also tossing up whether another run through of AM may be the best approach to address the issue as I know there was times on AM11 that I was confident that I would be able to do it. I would love to run SM but I don't think that will best work for what I want to work through at the moment

[Ryan]

So you don't like being alone? Do you happen to know why that is? Or how you would feel being alone in your own place? I'm trying to therapy you lol.

Your options of course would be Alpha Male again which would probably help best. SM & WM though, helped me a lot with wanting to move out on my own and be completely fine being alone so I could live that lifestyle of playboy. It could have also been gratitude that magically made me feel that way.

But you just gotta figure out that blockage and change it.

Ryan

[Magnus]

lol cheers Ryan appreciate the help.

I feel like I would be alone in my own place. For me its ties back to an image of a dark room with no one else there but me. I've done a lot of delving into it and its a complex beast. Most of the therapists I have been to say its a very deep rooted fear of abandonment (one of the worst they have seen). No one including myself can figure out where it comes from though as I have whats considered a good family life etc and apart from being bullied at school a bit and not having many friends during most of my schooling and being a sensitive kid had no issues like abuse or divorce to deal with.

I could write a page or two about it all lol. Gratitude may also be a possibly as simple as it sounds to work through it. Ill chat more with my therapist about it and hopefully figure out exactly what the blockage is.

[Ryan]

Overcome Anxiety could be good? Remove Negativity too.

For me, I think gratitude allowed me to just be rather it be fear or not, I was grateful for the things I had so I no longer focused on the fear. It was a bit different. If not, the new Alpha Male deals with some of these issues?

Yes, definitely talk to your therapist and get to the root as soon as you can so you can figure this out. Ask them how you could go about solving it. Or what belief you may have acquired over the years stopping you from wanting to do this.

I had similar but for me, I thought it was all just depression.

EDIT: Actually. Now that I think of it...Last time I ran Disconnect from Negativity (the old version) I ended up realizing this fear of abandonment I had. It was whipped out pretty quickly. But for me, it was that I feared being alone because I felt like everyone else was having fun and I was missing out on my life, that's because of how closed in I was as a child.

Ryan