Magnus' journal

[Spiral]

No worries Jim. I had several co workers ask if I was doing ok in that sort of sympathetic tone during alpha. There are some rough patches. Just stick with it man.

[Magnus]

Thanks shannon and spiral.

I think part of it was frustration that i didnt feel like anything was changing and like id gone backwards. Its funny thpugh as i was thinking this i had someone in my mens group tell me how much id changed and that i seem so much more relaxed which made me feel a lot more positiv

[Magnus]

So I think stage 5 is pushing me to rid of some of my ego which would explain the resistance im having as my ego was built up so strong over the years to hide my toxic shame as some refer to it and low self esteem. I added in extreme self esteem 5 days ago and im running that till the end of stage 6 and possibly a bit further. I had my first glimmer of hope this morning when i woke up with a strong belief that i deserve beautiful women it quickly faded but it was there all the same

[Magnus]

Had a bit of a kick of reality yesterday when i was at the doctors. They have only seen me twice since i started alpha. The doctor just stood there looked at me and just said wow when i asked him what. He said youre a completely different person to how you were when you came to see us 9 months ago. I guess i just forget how far ive really come

Also the project that i was managing at work went out and its doubled the revenue that the previous site was making so that made me feel really good as well.

[Shannon]

It's always awesome to see someone else pointing out how much you have changed with Alpha.

[Magnus]

It sure is and its happening more and more these days. The self esteem sub is gold as well. Its left me feeling very contented and ok within myself for the last two days. Old thoughts popup but are quickly dismissed. Its not lead to a feeling of euphoria either just a feeling of being ok which is exactly what I needed.

Its had other side effects as well. I've become more honest with people speaking my mind a bit more. Just last night I had a girl I met say how much she appreciated how honest I was with her. Its starting to move me in the direction of not having anything to prove and its helping a little with social anxiety. I believe running this before running SM is going to be a great precursor.

I can't say I noticed much around the ultra success and looking after your money yet but thats cool.

[Shannon]

The honesty is built into AM, and it's there for a reason.

Ultra Success isn't always easy to see, depending on where you're coming from and how many subs you're using.

[Magnus]

Makes sense ive started to understand at a deeper level how important honesty is both with myself and others. I know it before but now i really understand it and have started to integrate it.

I also got told i look hot by this girl im friends with ive known her for years and not once has she ever called me hot even when i was in better shape than i am now. Come to think of it i get told im hot a little bit now so i know something hqs changed outwardly en though i cant pick what it is.

Also my boss asked for my advice today about an employment manor and i was extremely clear qnd direct with my qdvice

[Magnus]

So the feeling down has kicked back in a little not helped by the fact im feeling a little sick at the moment.

Its strange though i may feel a little down but ive become more assertive. Ive also noticed girls staring at me a little more as well especially ones with boyfriends they will hang behind their boyfriend give me this seductive look then just smile. I also noticed today my social anxiety has dropped a little. I walked into a mall today and after a few minutes noticed i wasnt so self concious. So definately some positives on this stage.

Motivation has dropped a little though

One week left on stage 5 and im looking forward to how stage 6 brings its all together and hoping it stabalises things a bit

[Javier Gerardo]

Thanks Javier appreciated it.

So i'm not sure if its stage 5 or things outside but I have been feeling very depressed since starting it. So much so that people have asked if i'm ok. Not to sure what stage 5 is doing but only 1.5 weeks in so will wait and see. In all honesty I feel a lot like I did when I was starting high school at the moment. Feeling of loneliness coming up as well as feels of not being good enough.

I've started love and appreciated yourself. Its a toss up between that and extreme self esteem though as something I want to run till the end of stage 6 alpha. I know that my whole life I've never felt worthwhile, never felt loved and never felt good enough.

I've also finished up reading no more mr nice guy and its amazing how much I relate back to everything that it talks about in there. I'm working through everything in there along with my subs and therapy.

You're welcome jimbobday.
I have also read No More Mr. Nice Guy. A great book indeed.
I'm amazed by the sults you are posting here.

[Shannon]

I find it amusing when women do that "hanging on their boyfriends while flirting" thing.

[Magnus]

Its actually quite entertaining but at the same time it doesn't feel the same as it used to I used to the few times I used to get this I would be excited and gloat about it for a week now it doesn't really phase me as much it just kind of happens. This one today was quite funny though I was going up on the escalator and she was going down holding her boyfriends hand she lets go of his hand drifts off behind him and gives me a really seductive look and flicks her hair. I can't believe her boyfriend didn't notice.

On the other side of things I was looking at photos before alpha compared to now and wow the difference is huge. Ill be uploading some photos when I finish of just before starting alpha and just after finishing.

[Shannon]

I laugh at women who flirt with me while they are taken, and I laugh even harder if they have their Significant Other with them when they do. There is no way I'd go for such a woman, because I know from repeated personal experience that she'd just turn around and do the same BS to me behind my back.

I went to a party once where this girl was flirting hard with me, and I didn't know she was taken. I wasn't terribly interested because she was so young and rather unwise, to put it nicely, and that doesn't impress me. Her boyfriend came in and started getting in my face, and I just started laughing. At first he was thinking I was laughing at him, and started escalating it even more. But when I explained that I was laughing because she was flirting with me while she was taken, and how dumb I thought that was of her, he stopped getting in my face and dragged her off to give her an earful instead.

If a woman is interested, she'll make herself single before she presents her interest to me, and then I'll consider it. Best is when they didn't leave someone else to have a chance to be with you, at all, though.

[smash]

I laugh at women who flirt with me while they are taken, and I laugh even harder if they have their Significant Other with them when they do. There is no way I'd go for such a woman, because I know from repeated personal experience that she'd just turn around and do the same BS to me behind my back.

I went to a party once where this girl was flirting hard with me, and I didn't know she was taken. I wasn't terribly interested because she was so young and rather unwise, to put it nicely, and that doesn't impress me. Her boyfriend came in and started getting in my face, and I just started laughing. At first he was thinking I was laughing at him, and started escalating it even more. But when I explained that I was laughing because she was flirting with me while she was taken, and how dumb I thought that was of her, he stopped getting in my face and dragged her off to give her an earful instead.

If a woman is interested, she'll make herself single before she presents her interest to me, and then I'll consider it. Best is when they didn't leave someone else to have a chance to be with you, at all, though.

*thumbs up*!