DMSI journal

[whome]

Day 6 continued

Two things. First, I had a bit of a disagreement with my energy healer, to the point where I was in tears trying to explain myself. Eventually I got the point where I gave up and was willing to say to myself "you're not going to get it so I'm going to stop trying". There have been quite a few things on that road, but I imagine that DMSI helped.

Second, walking through the Village, there was a younger Asian couple, and the girl looked at me as I walked by. No smile, but the eye contact was much more than I usually get.

I have a suspicion about the cause of the pain and grief on Friday that doesn't involve DMSI, so I'm not worrying about that any more.

[whome]

Day 9

Getting in my 5 loops a day at work, patiently.

The effects I'm seeing are decreased desire to masturbate, and that's about it. My emotions are up and down, but that's not new. I still can't identify dreams, and my sense is that they're not changed. I'm certainly not getting any looks from women that I'm noticing, and I thought noticing them was the point.

I'm not sure that following the journals here is useful. For every one that says that they're following the rules and nothing seems to be changing, I see two that are celebrating wild success (or maybe that's just how it looks from my perspective) and it's tiring to watch others succeed with the same actions that just lead to myself not getting anywhere.

Sigh.

[whome]

Day 11

Yesterday was super busy. Usually I get my five loops in at work, or if I can't, I make sure to listen to them at home before sleep, but yesterday I got three loops in at work and had no time by the time I got home, so I played two ultrasonic loops as I fell asleep. That was unpleasant; I woke up super tired and with a massive headache, something that hasn't happened in a while. I'll be avoiding doing that.

Meanwhile, the only thing I'm noticing for sure is a relaxation in my throat and allowing my voice to go deeper. I'm a tenor and prize the upper end of my range; having some bass is nice As long as DMSI doesn't do anything to the high notes.

I occasionally catch some women looking at me; no one especially attractive, and I can't tell if this is new with DMSI, or if I'm just now really paying attention. We'll see.

[whome]

Day 15

Still doin' the ASRB.

Tonight is Christmas Eve, so I bought a ticket to a clubby-type party. I went to it for maybe 20 minutes to measure some effects and then left.

First, I noticed that my anxiety was barely even triggered. Usually, my fear and anxiousness around noisy people triggers, but this time I didn't have to expend any effort to keep it under control.

Second, in situations like this, I find that I can't get myself to relax. Usually I'm half in the present moment and half in my head, and in a place like this, I can't relax to be in my body and feel into the music. That has not changed.

Third, no eye contact from women.

Hmm.

Oh, a very Merry Christmas to all who celebrate. May the lives of everyone here be filled with only the best of everything.

[Shannon]

So you've achieved half relaxation in that situation?

[whome]

They really do feel like two very different things. There's the anxiety in the moment triggered by crowds of people, which didn't show up. There's also the relaxation into my body, which I have trouble doing even when alone or with few people, which didn't seem affected.

I have some hopes for that, but given the depth that it's wired into me, I'm not super surprised that it didn't happen, especially with all those people around.

[whome]

BTW, @Shannon, if you're interested or it would be useful to hear the details of my inability to be in my body, I'm happy to share, but that's the kind of thing where I don't usually talk about it as it's not exactly scintillating conversation. (BTW, not distasteful either, just an analysis.)

[whome]

Day 16

Third cycle here; second day in it.

I noticed that I felt really grounded and emotionally solid yesterday at the party, and I'm noticing that it's still happening. So I'm happy there. Also, this morning I won $5 in the T-Mobile giveaway. Granted there were 185,000 $5 winners, but I'll take it.

[Shannon]

BTW, @Shannon, if you're interested or it would be useful to hear the details of my inability to be in my body, I'm happy to share, but that's the kind of thing where I don't usually talk about it as it's not exactly scintillating conversation. (BTW, not distasteful either, just an analysis.)

I'm not sure what you mean by this.

[whome]

To your question of "So you've achieved half relaxation in that situation?" I gave a reply and wanted to know if it would be helpful to you to know more details about what's going on for me in my inability to really relax.

If it's not helpful, no worries.

[Shannon]

I'll be glad to have more details.

[whome]

For you, @Shannon:

I have a strange relationship with my body. The more I relax into my body, the more anxiety, fear, and terror come up. This is problematic in all kinds of ways. The usual self-improvement suggestions from people are to meditate or do exercise, but those are explicitly designed to put you in the moment and move you out of your head, and so they only induce fear and terror into me. About eight year ago I used mushrooms, and it caused the most terror-filled hours of my life. Even the ketamine that I used under the supervision of a doctor were hours of terror.

A few years ago, a friend who does somatic work pointed me to the book Healing Developmental Trauma. One of the points of that book is that babies, during the span of their life before the age of about six months, learn that being in their body is safe. So if a baby has a trauma during that time, it will impair their ability to feel safe in their body for the rest of their life. Reading that book was a major "aha" moment for me, as it named my experience in a way that nothing had before. (BTW, not specifically recommending that you get this book, though you can, of course.)

The reason I bring this up is that I mentioned in my post that I went to a party, and that while I didn't feel the anxiety of people around, I didn't feel very relaxed into my body. You replied asking if I'd "achieved half relaxation", and I wanted to clarify. Not feeling anxiety with people around is a big step, and I do appreciate what DMSI seems to have done with that. But not being able to relax into my body is a much bigger problem, one rooted way deeper, and one that I suspect is likely connected to my lack of sex life and romantic life.

I'm working hard on treating it. I've mentioned that I see a cuddler for cuddling sessions, and the reason I do that is specifically to train my body that touch is good, and relaxation is good, and relaxation with a woman is good. (Encouraging anything sexual is against the cuddling rules, so I don't see it triggering anything in DMSI.)

As for DMSI, I'm hopeful but unsure. I can sorta feel the FRM unwind my fears and low emotional points. But I still felt like I couldn't relax at that party, and even now, if I close my eyes and try to relax I can feel the terror edge in. I'm still listening to DMSI, am quite happy with how it's going, and am quite hopeful as to what it can do, but I wanted to fill you in as to how my bodily reactions aren't the usual that you'd expect.

Thanks for listening.

[whome]

Day 19

Just a quick note.

Sleep is seeming to track other exercises in my life that are me trying to get into my body. The more I get into my body, the worse sleep I get. Sigh.

My dreams continue to be about me being hunted down. That's how they've been for years, so nothing new there.

No sign of any interest from women.

This is the last of the 5 day cycle; I'll take a break for two days over the weekend and pick it up on Monday.

[whome]

Day 21

This is the last day of a break period; haven't listened to DMSI for two days and will be back on it tomorrow.

I just realized another theme of my dreams. If they're not about me being hunted down, I'm very commonly packing up and moving out, or living from a suitcase. There's a strong idea of being a nomad, being separate and disconnected.

(This isn't new with DMSI; I'm realizing this theme is one that's been in my dreams for years. However, lots of the DMSI posts talk about dreams, so perhaps this is useful to work out what fears are going on and why I'm not executing?)