USLM3- The Journey to Success

[Shannon]

What you're talking about in that dream is actually a real possibility line that could happen. If it doesm it would be because AI gets so advanced that it outstrips human understanding of humans, and allows us to make a logic error that it is also making (because we can't see it and are teaching it from a point of view of being guilty of it too). The flaw in AI is that intelligence is not all there is to human awareness, it's only half the picture. But it works with the currently dominant focus on logical thinking, and those who think that is all there is aren't balancing it with the other side.

What we are in danger of creating with AI is a Star Trek Vulcan, an intelligence that understands logic, but nothing else, because you cannot translate emotions and illogical/intuitive/irrational awareness to AI. If we end up with that as the guide to how we run our lives, we will see some pretty fucked up things happening in the next couple thousand years. And those who are guilty of the logic error that "logic is all there is to thinking and awareness" are going to be so blinded by how fast and accurate the AI they have developed is in the direction of logic, that they will not hear any dissent. It will be ignored, because they are so convinced they are right.

Of course that's just a possibility line; it's not the most likely probable future.

[mat422]

Very interesting. I come from the opposite end of the spectrum. When I was younger I was entirely controlled by emotions with very little logic. I had to develop that in myself. But I saw great value in the intuitive. I have run across those pure logic types. Some of them are just as rigid and stubborn as the more emotional and irrational types.

As I've grown with these subliminals I've realized the gift the strong connection to my emotional core gives me. And the almost intangible aspects that go into being a conscious being.

[mat422]

I've gotta work on getting more sleep. During the week I hate going to sleep earlier. It just feels like I went to work and had no time for myself. So I stay up and work on my music. It's usually unproductive and stressful because I'm tired. And part of me has this fear that if i don't get my hours in working on improving I'll never get to where I want to be. But at the same time I need to make sure I don't burn out. So I'm going to start being more strict with getting adequate rest and use whatever time I can for music. Even if it's only one hour a day.

I may not get as much time in, but I'm hoping it'll be more quality and focus. Right now it sort of feels like I'm working through a haze at times and I'm half focused. Not an ideal state to be.

To be perfectly honest sometimes when it's getting close to time to sleep and start another day with work I feel my stomach sort of sink. It's this apprehension and feeling like I really don't want to do it anymore.

[mat422]

Despite gong to bed at 9. I didn't actually get to sleep until 11. USLM just had me up awake in bed. I guess in a way it was restful because I wasn't doing anything, just relaxing my body. But so many thoughts were racing through my head. Something got stirred up inside of me. I was thinking about my job and how I felt this internal pressure to keep up appearances to everyone in my life that it was good and the right path for me. I don't know, so much of my life was spent being afraid, stuck, depressed, I was always so ashamed of that. I've always felt I had to prove to others that I wasn't some failure of a person. So I'd force myself into stuff just for the sake of not appearing like my life was a trainwreck.

But I'm hitting this point where I can't lie to myself about this stuff anymore. I can't BS myself into thinking everything is fine because it's not. The fact is, I've always been different and thought differently. Rather than embrace that I just tried to conform to some arbitrary standard. With fear in place it stuck, yeah I felt miserable but that fear prevented me from really breaking out of it. Now that the fear is being worked on I'm seeing how continuing down this path will only make me more unhappy. I feel like I'm getting to a point where my decisions and actions are fueled by what I really want, not fear. I'm also realizing how everything I've been taught in life stems from a fear based mentality. There wasn't much success based stuff growing up, or if there was my parents said it but their actions weren't congruent with it. So me being highly perceptive picked up on that and didn't really believe their positive words.

This morning I felt this deep sadness in me. Maybe it's always been there and I just numbed it out and continued on. But what it really felt like was that I was trapped and continuing in the same routine day in day out because I was too afraid to break it and go after something better. I've always felt like I couldn't fit in and I think it's just because I haven't found my niche so to speak.

[Shannon]

When you are flying in a jet, you have to account for the layer of air you're traveling in and it's speed and direction in order to stay on course to your destination.

When you ascend to a higher, or descend to a lower level, the air will usually be traveling in a different direction and at a different speed.

In between those two layers is where those two layers meet, and their difference in speed and direction creates a lot of turbulence.

That is where you are now, in a state of transition and change from one level of success to another. And as you transition and change from one level of success to another, there is a lot of turbulence between the fading old ways, and the incoming new ways. This is perfectly normal and expected, if the program is doing it's job.

Congratulations on your success with the program, Mat. I'm really enjoying your progress and journey to success.

[mat422]

When you are flying in a jet, you have to account for the layer of air you're traveling in and it's speed and direction in order to stay on course to your destination.

When you ascend to a higher, or descend to a lower level, the air will usually be traveling in a different direction and at a different speed.

In between those two layers is where those two layers meet, and their difference in speed and direction creates a lot of turbulence.

That is where you are now, in a state of transition and change from one level of success to another. And as you transition and change from one level of success to another, there is a lot of turbulence between the fading old ways, and the incoming new ways. This is perfectly normal and expected, if the program is doing it's job.

Congratulations on your success with the program, Mat. I'm really enjoying your progress and journey to success.

Thanks Shannon. I've noticed the FRM module is quite demanding, but in a good way. I think a lot of my energy is going towards that in order to prep me for the success. It feels like I'm building up massive potential energy right now and once the fear is gone I'll just fire off like a slingshot towards success.

[mat422]

I took a nap midday today, I just straight up crashed. I was watching videos on music theory and was nodding off and thought I might as well because I'm not being productive. Anyway I woke up from that nap and finished the video. Then I opened up my DAW and started chipping away at the track I've been working on.

Something definitely changed. I was much less hesitant with my decisions. I noticed a lot less second guessing. I can usually only access that type of feeling when I drank caffeine or alcohol. For some reason caffeine put me in that "just do it, who cares" mood. But I'd always crash from the high of it.

I never cease to be amazed at how much fear just gets in the way of everything. It's almost like this feeling that if it wasn't there I'd intuitively know how to do things successfully. But whenever it pops up it sort of causes a block to accessing that.

[mat422]

Oof didn't get any sleep last night while uslm was playing. Basically frm kept digging. It got to a point where I let go of control and let the sub influence me more. I felt a knot deep in my stomach. I had this intuitive feeling that this was the "wall" so to speak I had continually been running into for most of my life when trying to improve. No words, no thoughts, no emotional memory, just a pure focus on this thing, this ball of fear inside me. At one point it felt like it was some kind of parasite and I got this visual representation of it in my head. Just a worm, no eyes, fangs around the mouth where it latches on. Maybe a hybrid worm/leach. I'm sure my mind had to conceptualize the fear as something in order to further detach from it. There's still that identification with fear because it influenced every aspect of my life, so thinking of it in that past way has the effect of associating it with myself again.

[Have at ye]

Oof didn't get any sleep last night while uslm was playing. Basically frm kept digging. It got to a point where I let go of control and let the sub influence me more. I felt a knot deep in my stomach. I had this intuitive feeling that this was the "wall" so to speak I had continually been running into for most of my life when trying to improve. No words, no thoughts, no emotional memory, just a pure focus on this thing, this ball of fear inside me. At one point it felt like it was some kind of parasite and I got this visual representation of it in my head. Just a worm, no eyes, fangs around the mouth where it latches on. Maybe a hybrid worm/leach. I'm sure my mind had to conceptualize the fear as something in order to further detach from it. There's still that identification with fear because it influenced every aspect of my life, so thinking of it in that past way has the effect of associating it with myself again.

Mine conceptualizes fears as cockroaches/insects, heh.

I remember several dreams where I was trying to get rid of them in various ways.

[mat422]

This has been the most challenging sub for me, hands down. See when I was at my worst my goals were basically to become a functioning person. Job, being social, hobbies, etc. I got most of those things. That was about the ceiling as far as success goes. But now everything is shifting and some part of me is definitely terrified. There's this whole unknown aspect to my life again and even harder is the path I'm walking now related to doing something with my music is seen as a pipe dream by most people. Whereas before there was some certainty or guarantee, I feel this path is a lot more shaky.

In addition to that I had a moment of panic today at my job. There are a lot more tasks coming in, some that are rather challenging. I was trying to work on one and in my head I just felt this part repeating "I can't do this". When I was a kid my mom said I'd often repeat those very words whenever I came across something more challenging than usual for me. I'm usually pretty good at calming my anxiety regarding this stuff, but today was out of control. I felt paralyzed. Every time I tried to think of a solution or work out the logistics of the task I pretty much felt like crying. But it was like a domino effect and it started making me feel like I'll never be happy in my life and I'll always struggle. I guess it was compounded by the fact that all the stress of working here isn't contributing to my overall happiness.

But on my drive home I realized I have to change my approach to this stuff. I have to stop approaching it with apprehension and anxiety and instead lift myself up and tell myself I can do it. The fear is very strong though. Incredibly irrational, but strong. This has been a common theme in my life, I'm very reluctant to do anything unless I feel like I can do it. The issue with that is a lot of the time we don't know how to do something, we have to learn, and if you don't put yourself in that space of uncertainty you'll never grow. Part of the issue is sometimes this part of me is so afraid it'll sabotage efforts to think positively as well. Anything that could bring me closer to the fear, and ironically moving past it, tends to be reversed.

Today was just abnormally rough. It felt like a part of me was definitely lashing out. Right now I feel a lot of fear as I consciously urge myself to move past it and not run and hide like I usually do. I think there's just a lot going on right now. I've got that business trip coming up soon in january, these new projects, and I'm trying to squeeze in time to make music. Like I said part of me wants to run. But there's nowhere to run to and even if I did I wouldn't be any happier than if I stayed on course and continued to work on my life.

[Shannon]

It is just a matter of time if you continue using USLM3, or maybe LTU, E3, or if I make it, USLM4.

[mat422]

LTU caught my eye. But I don't plan on abandoning this path anytime soon so whatever I do will move me forward.

I got to thinking about what occurred yesterday and how I responded to it. For most of my life I've been very critical of myself. I don't think I need to cultivate more discipline or be harder on myself right now. If anything I need to learn to be kinder and more understanding without feeling guilty or that I'm "slacking off". Bascially being firm yet gentle instaed of cracking the whip on my back.

I tend to expect the world of myself and when I don't deliver I feel bad. The problem is and always has been being too attached to that and basing my self worth on it. It's good to strive and push for greater things, but it can't be a source of self worth. I think that's where the strong fear comes from when it comes to all these challenges in life. I have this perspective of pass or fail, good or bad, useless or valuable. That's a lot of pressure I put on myself daily.

I'm getting to the bottom of this though. I'm learning with this sub it's not about pushing harder, but correcting the underlying faulty patterns that led me here to begin with. That means throwing out old critical ways of thinking that only cause me stress and hold me back.

[Shannon]

Nobody takes a flight of stairs in one stride.

[mat422]

Gonna get this down while the insight is fresh in my head. On my way home I felt myself running through 3 states. The first state is where I try to detach from the instructions of the sub because I'm afraid. The second state is me convincing myself I am executing, but really I'm just trying to find a loophole out of truly following through. It's basically me attempting to control too much, doing it my own way, not trusting, etc. This one is trickier because there's a tendency to believe that I'm fighting to improve, when really I'm fighting myself from fully embracing the instructions. I'm trying to find the "safe" route, but the only safe route is to just stop moving forward and we already know that's not in the plan. Then the third state is one where I let go. It's hard to describe the sensation but I'll try. You know when you try to suppress a thought or feeling? That sort of inner tensioin as your mind resists whats there in the background. Well it's like that, except when I do let go I'm not flooded with a negative emotion or thought loop. It's more of an uplifting feeling and a feeling of positivity.

Whatever the sub is trying to accomplish is breaking through and flooding my body. And it's like I feel myself aligning onto a successful path on an energetic sort of level. Not trying to convince myself that I'm going to be successful, but more so allowing the possibility of it and embracing that. More like toggling a swtich or something vs fighting to change.

Two day break starts tonight. Maybe deep rest will integrate these changes more and hit on a deeper level when I wake up tomorrow.