~Stand tall and shake the heavens~

[Magnus]

Enoch I can so readily relate to exactly what you are going through right now. The depressed, unmotivated state, not feeling anything from talking to women. It feels like you get more attention but at the same time that attention means nothing. we will ride through it man.

[enoch]

motivation has gone up a little bit after 4 days of stage 3. I realized during stage 2 that I was procastinating at work a lot. Towards the end of stage 2 procastination had gone worse but its getting better after stage 3.

on the last night of stage 2, I was happy that because of indifference and keeping my cool after a whole lot of shit tests and insults that a disaster night out with a girl to an awesome and kind of memorable at the least.

It was an IDGAF night for me and it turned out from worse to great. Being able to dismiss anything that might affect or bother you at will feels liberating. I would've sulked and sunked in the past.

And then it hit me. after an overnight of listening to stage 3, I woke up feeling a lot of rage. I just snap at anyone who doesn't respect me. I calmed down later that day.

A lot of neediness is surfacing, I do better if I listen to the faint voice in my head to ignore the urge and avoid the person. Its hard to learn that lesson even though I kept crashing and burning. having trouble letting go of that girl I was infatuated with. Logically I know there is no future there with her so I just want to have some fun whenever we get together. now if I can follow that without my neediness coming up.



@Shannon, thanks. I know this will all be worth it in the end. I am already appreciating the changes so far.

@jimbobday, it's good to know I'm going through the same thing with someone. It takes out some of that "it might just be me" phrase out of my head.


P.S. I started to learn Brazilian Portuguese while listening to Learn Portuguese more quickly and easily sub. It's been quite easy to learn some basics, although my native language is somewhat close to Spanish I can still point out some similarities with Portuguese. I'll see how this goes after 3 months.

I'd like to learn Swedish, German, French, Spanish, Arabic and Japanese in the future

[enoch]

alright, the first week of alpha male 2011 stage 3 was crazy. I was crying for a straight week even while working. I have never been in this state before, by the third day I just let tears flow and just do my work like nothing's happening. The simplest nostalgia would trigger it, a familiar song or just simply out of the blue. I wasn't sensitive to anyone's criticism, I was sensitive of my own. It slowed down by the 2nd week, and then I started feeling rage within me.

I was confronting people close to me for the slightest hint of disrespect. But I wasn't raising my voice too much like I did in stage I and II, I was calmer and I try to explain what they did that hit my nerve. For consecutive days I was easily irritated and feel uncomfortable easily. I was aware the whole time that it is the sub working on me, by the end of each day when I reflect to things that happened during the day, I laugh it off how easily irritated I get and how much anger I feel knowing it was the sub that brought it out.

This sub has also changed the way I deal with rejection and response to women really noticeably. I am now more inclined to put aside pursuing my woman of interest for something fun to do by myself or with friends. I may have let the chance of getting closer to this lady slip right under my nose but it does not affect me as much as I used to. I can tell that she was interested since we first met about 6 months ago, she works at this bookstore I frequent to read manga and fighter jet magazines. after valentines day I did try to ask her out but she said "no, I can't", while putting the lid on the tea I just ordered with a voice that sounded like her stock reply to people who ask her out (or someone who's working but can't give you her personal information). I was stunned. I felt a jolt in my spine. I felt a little bit disappointed because I was expecting her to say something along the lines of "sure" to declining the offer but saying some other time. Its funny how things work out between us when I don't expect anything and the first time I do I got shot in the foot.

I guess I'll take some time off before I see her again, I feel needy at times and this day dreaming is kicking me non stop. It's driving me nuts, it's ridiculous.

motivation is still going downhill. even posting in my own thread somehow requires some motivation lmao. I'm thinking nobody reads it anyway, i just thought I could put some of my brain cells to relax after I keep contemplating on writing about my journey so far. but I hope somebody finds it helpful just one bit. I still read new posts everyday. It's quite amusing how other users are going through the same stuff I am especially jimbobday but it's frustrating sometimes that I can't bring myself to reply on other threads let alone write on mine.



- E

[K-Train]

You sound a little like me Enoch. Believe me, the Alpha journey kicks butt and sucks eggs sometimes. Stage 1 for me was great, it felt more like a general self-confidence boosting stage. Stages 2 and 3 made me sad, angry, and depressed. Thankfully I was using a motivational sub at the time but it was still a hassle. The Alpha set basically rips you apart limb from limb and then rebuilds you with new hardware, new programming, new everything!

And I agree, the lack of commenting on these boards is quite sad. I see many journals getting few, if any replies or feedback except of course Shannon's journal for obvious reasons lol. Use this journal as a booster and as a reminder of where you came from. That's pretty much what I'm doing with mine. Good luck man and keep chugging!

[Magnus]

Dude it is bizzare how similar the things we are experiencing are. The crying during the first week, lack of motivation, anger its all there.

By the way ive found your posts really helpful. I find it in a way comforting to know someone else is going through the same things. Helps to push through the tough times

[Shannon]

Though the journey be not fun at times, the destination is worth the pain. There are those who agree so much, in fact, they do it again and again!

[HMoody]

Hang in there. I remember how it was when my ex broke my heart. it took me more than a year to recover and rebuild myself. I think AM might be accelerating the process for you and just making you release all the crap that builds up after a relationship breaks down. I'm going thru AM 2011 myself right now and getting near the end of stage 2. It's been up and down a bit but I'm definitely seeing positive results so I would encourage you to keep on going.

[enoch]

I'm stumped, thank you guys. I agree that it's comforting to know that people are experiencing the same and to read that people who have used it before us, experienced the same thing, got through it then at the end say: it was all worth it.

Always have a way with words Shannon, thanks!

Some update:

I'm surprised by the lack of action I'm currently experiencing. I wanted to become a graphics design freelancer so I could go places no problem. I am currently in the training of becoming a graphics designer for a starter company. If this company picks up and I'm part of it, assuming I can get my unmotivated state into action, I will succeed an essential part of my overall goal. I want to make a living while I'm traveling.

I think that this sub has been manifesting much of what I want to get too. It just bums me out and also funny at times when I think about that the road to get what I want is right there in front of me. I'm already walking that path but I couldn't give my 100%, I think I really have a lack of motivation. For the past weeks I've been all over thinking what I wanted to become, how to get there and what to do when I get there but no action. Seems like all the action is in my head LOL.

On the lighter side, I'm really appreciating the feeling of not taking anything personal. I also respect myself a lot more. I was in the same complex where the girl I was infatuated with in the beginning of this sub to visit my buddy, I tried to flirt with her and she said "go away". I did and didn't give much thought of it. A few hours later she stops by and asked me to drop her off somewhere. I said "No". I felt a little bit awkward with her around afterwards because I used to do what she wants every time.

Later that day I went to the bookstore with my little sister, I wanted to see that girl I liked and also work on a logo mock up I'm experimenting but unfortunately she wasn't around. It didn't seem to bother me though, and I feel relieved that she was not there. Because I know that inside me, I felt the need to see her and wanted to have a small conversation with her but it doesn't feel natural, I feel uneasy that I'm expecting something or someone. Now that I think about it, it kind of falls into the stalker category, I have to let go and stop this. This sub also made me aware of things like this, while I just wanted to talk to her and don't mean anything to harm, it does kind of look creepy if you become needy. Before we left, I bought my sister a book and she noticed that I sound disappointed when I was talking to the cashier. She thinks because she made me buy a book. I realized that I was subconsciously looking forward to see the girl, I wasn't thinking of anything about being disappointed because she wasn't there, but it was my body language giving that vibe. Neediness is still there alright.

SUMMARY:
- More self respect.
- Confronting situations are becoming easier. I could tell people off more easier and much clearer rather than it staying in my head or cause confusion.
- I'm becoming more aware of what my actions, either body language or mental projection
- I noticed that I give advice much more clearer now. Less people are saying, "what does that mean?"
- less needy
- more laid back
- Body language improving. Sometimes I really feel all of my body moving while walking or rather I'm feeling the walk (I don't really know how to describe this, I'll just say I walk better keeping in mind my body language sometimes), contrast to the "auto-walk" where I just don't care how I get there, I just want to get there which is often in a slouch position and occasionally tripping.

SUMMARY: (THE BAD)
- Fluctuating confidence. Sometimes I feel afraid of talking to people when I'm out.
- Motivation issues still there.
- I'm slacking with my Martial Arts Class. I've skipped days and now a whole week!
- Porn is getting back.

[enoch]

Started stage 4 yesterday.

Time flies, Its almost 5 months since I began this journey. Looking back, the way I deal with rejection has improved a lot. Less tragic and self mutilation. I'm getting more and more noticable wherever I go, sometimes even on bad days.

Some of my friends are getting back and calling me up. I always find myself procastinating, it doesn't feel good to gfeel pressured to do responsibillities in the last minute, ill try to change that.

I'm becoming more aware of social interactions and body language wherever I am. I conscously trying to lean back, and correct my body language.

I'm excited of what stage 4 brings

[enoch]

Stage 4 has been weird. first few weeks i often find myself in behaving in a beta way. Its. Like my body operates automatically and then when I reflect on my actions later on I find it very beta.

motivation is getting better, I've been using ultra success 3g since stage 4 I think its kicking in.

My state of mind greatly affects my work, especially when my mind starts to spit limiting beliefs like "I can't do this", it gets frustrating and then I realize the limiting belief is sinking in I just take a break and divert my thoughts. It works sometimes.

[enoch]

stage 5 here we go!

stage 4 was a breeze. whatever it did, is very subtle. If anything, it made me sit back and relax. Maybe too relaxed as I noticed I've been too lazy to do anything productive lol. I felt too comfortable at home and alone, not wanting to go out and socialize. There's this one time I went to the theatres and on both movies some guy/girl was stretching their foot on my chair, which rocked my chair often. I was annoyed but I let them go and didn't say a thing. Looking back, if I was on stage 1 or 3 I would confront the shit out of them, wow I miss those stages. stage 4 made me calmer I suppose.

what im looking for on stage 5 is that i can express myself in a calm manner, or just express myself. stand up for myself and have a blast even if im by myself. and more productivity so i can get my hands on a subaru wrx

[enoch]

day 1, people i passby acknowledges me more, most greets me firsthand.

There's an opportunity for me to make more for myself, been knocking since stage 1. I thought by later stages I could decide but I still couldn't. My indecisiveness and inaction is still there.

[enoch]

AM2011 Stage 6 - 2 days to completion

I had a crazy night last night. I got wasted the first few hours but for the remaining time I drank water like a horse (I need to drive a couple of friends home so I desperately need to be sober). A couple of girls flirted with me here and there, everybody is playing beer games, dancing and all but this one girl that came in a few hours later when I was still wasting away gave me massive IOIs, it confused me because I went out with her the day before and I really don't think we had a such good time. Anyway she kept hitting my arm, trying to get my attention by throwing small stuff like a beer crown in front of me and keep on asking if she could have my shirt, wth?. She came in with a guy but when we talk I can feel our connection is really good, and I have this strong feeling that all I had to do is pull the trigger and she's mine. Anyway I moved around a lot and these girls just keeps on coming at me, I can sense that she's looking at me from time to time, most of them are her friends and they want me to go to their place. I want her though. This girl is the only girl for me in this party. In fact I liked her before this party and now she's giving me the signs! I kept my distance, flirting with other girls trying to make her jealous. Fast forward to the fifth time she asked for my shirt (I kept brushing her question away but...) I told her "No, this here is a gift from my best friend when I left home". A few minutes later her friends who are a couple decides to leave and the guy she came with is supposed to drop them off. I also had to drive a couple of her friends to the same apartment complex. She said she's coming back so I told her come with me, let's go back together. They left.

Now let me cut this short, her friends who I dropped off wanted me to stay at their place but I'm like "Nooo, I'm going back". and baam! I went back, she didn't.

I was falling for this girl a few days back and I thought we had something going on. This guy she just met, and I don't trust him for some reason. Anyway I asked an opinion from a girl friend of mine (she's friends with the girl too), about my situation she said that if she comes back then she's yours, take her home and if she doesn't, she's a slut. And then blames me for screwing around and not escalating things with her fast enough. Nicely put by her but I am now suffering from a massive hangover and broken heart.

I take responsibility though. I know this was clearly my fault. I wouldn't make this conclusion in the past but its time to grow.

[enoch]

For some reason I think that AM2011 made me feel so much indifference that girls notice this and gets curious as to why their allures does not phase me. While this is really good, I still have a hard time keeping a conversation with people. I come off as boring and dull most of the time because I have nothing to talk them with. Wonder if there's a sub for making you keep a conversation going and put a lot of life in it. Something like Craig Ferguson in The Late Late Show in CBS.

I am 700% more comfortable being around women. Its amazing how I use to feel so nervous and awkward around any women. Now it's just the women with a ton of high value that I feel tingling in my knees when I move around them.