myth's Belated DMSI 3.1 Journal

[myth]

You can always recover data from a computer. fyi

Some data, maybe, but, unless you're suggesting that salvaging a car's door handle is the same as salvaging the entire car or that a mangled car is the same as a running one, your suggestion feels a bit more like upbeat imprecision than it does like comfort. I do appreciate the vote of confidence, though. Thanks.

In support of your suggestion, I did manage to recover 2.2G of 15G today from a drive that choked on numerous physical errors two years ago (before I could empty the last 15G off of it). That was my canary in the coal mine, and it lived.

In argument against your suggestion, my aforementioned lack of clarity led me to pick the wrong alternative superblock for the non-canary, resulting in the appearance of an empty drive.

My remaining hope is that the anti-fragmentation filesystem design gives me a do-over. Put simply: I located three possible right answers, picked wrong on the first try, and may do additional damage with each wrong guess. And that's assuming that the first wrong answer didn't end the game. On the upside, one of the remaining two answers is more likely than the other.

But no one, not even me, thinks that I should take another step forward with it until I get more sleep.

[myth]

And here's my last (yes, lengthy) detour-from-DMSI postcard before 3.3 comes out.

Salvaged 2 of 3 failed drives, but the third, which contained my old DMSI (and other IML) downloads, is little more than flotsam after months of non-stop effort. Some might see the loss of audio files and my only audio device as SE resistance going for scorched earth, while others might call it 3.3's TID preventing a return to 3.1. I call it an inconvenience, the loss of irreplaceable data, and several forced upgrades.

I did skip the 3.2 era, yes. Still unclear on whether "not distinguish[ing] between uses" (during 3.2 development) or "only when escapism" (recently) was chosen for the Wall, since both have been claimed as qualifiers (the two sound mutually exclusive to me), but the 3.2 reports haven't worried me. As long as things like suppressing fantasizing doesn't blunt my creativity, suppressing porn doesn't cause me to refuse nudes sent by lovers, and suppressing masturbation doesn't interfere with foreplay/mutual masturbation, I have no lingering Wall concerns.

Either way, my instincts told me to skip 3.2 and wait for 3.3, so, however anyone else may rate my choices against their own values, that's their dissatisfaction with my choices, not mine. I'd already begun SE before 3.2 came out, and, as my 3.1 journal had paraphrased more than once: Higher self-esteem had been a major goal of mine. I wanted to give it undivided attention, so I did. Having done that, once 3.3's released, I can finally run DMSI for fun, without a forced agenda to repair my self-esteem inefficiently by minor bullet point.

As I do plan to run 3.3, I expect to provide feedback when I do.

I've recounted the highlights of my detour-from-DMSI already, but I'd deliberately omitted attraction-related observations. With this being a pre-3.3 post, I'll quickly redress that:

• During the first SE run, a few women (who I didn't want at all) really wanted me. Living without the anti-sniper made me appreciate how much extra attention may have been kept at bay, but having it around may have had side-effects too: one friend still seeks repeated assurances that I don't hate her.
  
• As soon as I started the PTPA side-trip (which I took to balance out what had turned negative for me on SE), two women who've been into me for over two decades demonstrated a great deal of increased interest. One of them actually got over her fear of sleeping with me and her fear of increased emotional attachment.
  
• During the second SE run, established reactions from the first run intensified, and I eventually experienced roughly the same amount of social disinhibition (while sober) as alcohol had previously produced. Possibly more.
  
• During the USLM snack-before-3.3, I've encountered the right people at the wrong times and observed lots of unexpected disinhibition on the part of others. I've also been greeted/approached by various people for no reason at all. Sometimes, almost as if they expected me to explain to them why they came up to me.
  

And three non-attraction stand-out coincidences:

• During PTPA, I had a few health-changing epiphanies, and my body's inflammatory responses have decreased significantly since then.
  
• During USLM, my OCD rules/rituals have relaxed a little. I can't say if this is USLM's key script, the updated skeleton script, external factors, or any combination thereof, but life's definitely becoming less of an OCD obstacle course.
  
• During USLM, I seem less affected by loss, failure, and misfortune than I typically have been, but also (according to others, since I'm trying to remain impartial) much more prone to encountering such setbacks than usual. Almost as if I have to overcome more challenges to seem successful for having survived them.
  

I'm feeling fairly optimistic about what 3.3 will be, and, thanks to the DMSI users who've been reporting grays (which I don't believe to be resistance as much as double-booking of certain resources, possibly triple-booking for those who drink), I now know which foods I'll be eating to power 3.3 (and how much worse alcohol may be for DMSI than just state-shifting), so I thank everyone who's mentioned graying hair. I have no objection to boosting supply to meet demand.

Lastly, I may have experienced TID from 3.3 a little over a week ago, and, if so, I feel compelled to reiterate my preference for being seduced because someone highly values me, not because someone merely sees me as a seduction challenge out of high value to others. That night, I'd encountered someone (who I hadn't seen since my 3.1 run) who practically chased off other people to get me to herself, but she's someone who doesn't actually want me for any of what I am. (That's not low self-esteem talking. It's her being possessive for the sake of having what others value without valuing it herself.)

I'll try to explain: Winning me as the arbitrary prize of competition makes my participation irrelevant. If a woman doesn't want to win me (only to win the competition), then I'm a decidedly unwise choice in trophy. I have no aspirations to be the prize; a prize is only an arbitrary symbol of how competitive the winner is, not something independently worth being won. The competitive winner doesn't care if they've earned a blue ribbon, a first-prize trophy, a picture in the paper, or a gold star -- they just want proof that they've won/placed first, and I'd rather be won by someone looking for me, not someone who'd just as happily take home a blue ribbon or a "Best in Show" title. If it's only sex, why do I care? Why not enjoy it while it lasts? Because 1) I see sex as an option, not a quota or an endangered species, 2) refusing to share me is different from offering me sex, and 3) I've agreed to offers from the halfhearted before, and calling it unsatisfying sex would be a compliment.

[RTBoss]

Ah, Myth! One of my favorite posters! I was just thinking about you the other day, and about how I wish you'd post more. Now look, here it is! I didn't even run US/LM, and I got my wish.

You should not have any concerns for The Wall. It forces nothing against your free will. At times, when my libido is up, I would have taken care of myself in the past. Now I find I just "don't feel like it," and that's fine with me. But, if I were, say, having sex - it wouldn't be a problem at all. Hell, even not having sex - if I really want to do it, then I do it.

I don't have any interest in porn these days, but that's fine. I certainly wouldn't reject a nude photo from anyone I'm interested in.

My creativity has not been affected at all. If anything, I'm as creative as ever. I still have mental fantasies about women, so I'm not sure how well that's been stymied, but I will admit it occurs markedly less than before. I chalk that up to being a good thing for me.

I am looking forward to your DMSI 3.3 journal.

[myth]

Ah, Myth! One of my favorite posters! I was just thinking about you the other day, and about how I wish you'd post more. Now look, here it is! I didn't even run US/LM, and I got my wish.

Aw. Stop. You'll make me blush. Great to see your return, RT. And, with some well-earned fanfare too, I think.

I've learned quite a bit from my detour, which is why I did try to share many of the highlights. They weren't experimental subs, though, so, to mangle a phrase (no loose change, I guess), I figured that concision was the better part of valor. It is just possible, though, that I'd confused infrequency with concision. Gotta stop doing that.

You should not have any concerns for The Wall. It forces nothing against your free will. At times, when my libido is up, I would have taken care of myself in the past. Now I find I just "don't feel like it," and that's fine with me. But, if I were, say, having sex - it wouldn't be a problem at all. Hell, even not having sex - if I really want to do it, then I do it.

So... not much different than 3.1? At least, my experiences on it, that is. Not that I didn't expect that from the reports, but I do take Shannon at his word, even if his word might imply the slight creasing of some toes. Glad to hear that it doesn't.

I don't have any interest in porn these days, but that's fine. I certainly wouldn't reject a nude photo from anyone I'm interested in.

Also nice to hear. When you're hundreds of miles apart from some of your admirers, it helps with the flirting not to object when their photos are used to overcome geography.

My creativity has not been affected at all. If anything, I'm as creative as ever. I still have mental fantasies about women, so I'm not sure how well that's been stymied, but I will admit it occurs markedly less than before. I chalk that up to being a good thing for me.

Also music to my ears. I depend on my imagination for everything from work to hobbies, and I'll admit to USLM accompanying some unexpected creative leaps, so I wouldn't be surprised if reduced self-sabotage/limiting beliefs, plus things like EIP, open up a lot of creativity anyway.

I am looking forward to your DMSI 3.3 journal.

I'll have to try to make it one worth reading, then, won't I? Still probably going to dodge the play-by-play anecdotes and aim for the observations and self-realizations, though. It's just what I do.

[myth]

Been off USLM1 since the (first?) take-a-break-for-DMSI-3.3-announcement in September, but this development seemed worth reporting: At some point this year, either during SE, PTPA, or USLM1, my longest-term open (but health-conscious) casual relationship decided to experiment with being monogamous toward me. She didn't inform me until this past weekend, nor did she clarify as to how long ago this change began.

I haven't known her to be monogamous since before I'd met her (well over two decades ago), and she provided no reason for this change. Not the first time that a poly/casual partner has considered monogamy toward me, but I saw no reason to expect it from this specific woman.

Also, not that I expect this information to matter to anyone other than me, USLM1 has pretty much wound down for me after 38 days, and restarting another 35-day break before 3.3's release doesn't seem particularly appealing. Consequently, I'll probably run a P#-free sub (or possibly two at once, as my current considerations are 3G and 4G subs, respectively) until the new version comes out. Yeah, it'll mean that I'm not running FRMv2, but, as I understand it, it'll also mean that 3.3 and FRMv3 shouldn't encounter any 5.5G turbulence.