US/LM run

[Paul1131]

This thing is definitely making me more social and less shy. I was painfully shy as a kid and throughout my teenage years through my mid twenties. I had thought that I had gotten over it a while ago. Partly through use of subs, and partly through just forcing myself to do it. However, (and I am just now realizing this now). It was forced and wooden with people I didn’t know well. I kept the talk to a minimum and just interacted as much as I had to. Nothing really felt natural unless I was among close friends and family. I didn’t really recognize that this was me working around a social phobia rather than actually dealing with it. I didn’t reciognise how much of my aloofness was the old fear.
That’s changing though. This afternoon I woke up and went to get my hair cut. I bantered with the lady who cut my hair when I used to just kind of sit there before. I’d never met this girl, but joking with her was easy and I enjoyed it. I put actual inflections in my voice (before I used to keep it as neutral as possible. I have an awesome voice and hadn’t been using it). Then I went to the grocery store, and wound up having a long, light conversation with the checkout girl. She was cute, and about half my age. She told me a lot about herself without me asking, and was playing with her hair and doing all of that stuff. I am not trying to get that to happen, but it is kind of fun.
I am much more aware of my personal energy field than I ever have been before. That started last night and continued in to today. I’m aware that the stuff, chi, ki, whatever you want to call it exists, and I’ve felt it and worked with it before. However I had to try, now it’s just there. Bad part of that, is I got angry at something I saw online earlier. I felt hot energy radiating off of me, particularly my forearms. They actually feel like I have a very mild sunburn now. I will be more careful of that. I know what can happen with a careless thought in a highly energized state.

[Paul1131]

Just ended the second day’s loops and I feel on top of the world. I feel like all of the little traumas from my life never happed. I can think back on some of the things in my life that have messed me up, and they didn’t happen that way. Or more I chose at the time to react to them differently. Even though I, well, didn’t. This thing is a past editor. There is some cognitive dissonance that should be bugging me, but it isn’t.

Thats awesome man! Sounds like the FRM at play!

Thanks, seems to be working really fast too.

[Paul1131]

I woke up this afternoon feeling like somebody had taken an eggbeater to my brain. I don’t mean that it was painful, there was no headache, no pain at all. There was just a weird feeling in my head along with some pretty serious fatigue. I’m not having any of the weird side effects that some others have described, but this is putting some kind of strain on me, and it’s cumulative. I have one more run before I have three days off. I think I really need that.
We have a fill in supervisor tonight, and he got on me for having earbuds in. He didn’t order me to take them out right then and there so I didn’t. He was concerned about how it looked, so I re arranged the cords and put on a stocking cap so it was hidden. He was concerned that I was listening to music which would prevent me from hearing what I need to, so I just told him exactly what I was doing, and that it didn’t interfere with my hearing much at all. He seemed satisfied.
The thing is, not long ago I would have ripped the things out of my ears, stopped listening and never listened at work again. Also I would have had some serious anxiety about getting in trouble for days afterword. This time, there is zero anxiety. I know that on night shift, no one really cares what we do to stay awake, and that he won’t tell.
Nothing major to report during this run other than that. I did get a palpable energy flare up when I was talking to someone about setting up something I am really looking forward to doiing. Up my forearms again.

[Paul1131]

I’m on my first day off from USLM2 and I had a job interview this morning. I have missed a lot of jobs in the past because I was too nervous and anxious to interview well. This has been a problem for many years, though I have been hired in the field I want to be in a few times when I managed to kinda sorta pull it together. Even then though I would practically drive myself nuts with anxiety before and after this interview.
Not this time though. I was calm, relaxed, spoke well, and had a great answer for every question. I wasn’t anxious before the interview and I’m not now. I felt zero nervousness during the interview and my stomach used to drop down to my feet when they asked the first question. I was either the one they want, or I’ll be the one another place wants just a bit down the road. Either way, it’s right around the corner. FRM is working wonders here.

[ncbeareatingman]

I’m on my first day off from USLM2 and I had a job interview this morning. I have missed a lot of jobs in the past because I was too nervous and anxious to interview well. This has been a problem for many years, though I have been hired in the field I want to be in a few times when I managed to kinda sorta pull it together. Even then though I would practically drive myself nuts with anxiety before and after this interview.
Not this time though. I was calm, relaxed, spoke well, and had a great answer for every question. I wasn’t anxious before the interview and I’m not now. I felt zero nervousness during the interview and my stomach used to drop down to my feet when they asked the first question. I was either the one they want, or I’ll be the one another place wants just a bit down the road. Either way, it’s right around the corner. FRM is working wonders here.

dang Man,thats awesome Man.Go Paul!! Watching you grow and evolve, is a beautiful thing!! the changes these programs can do in the future,for people is nothing short of inspiring, really promising and very very encouraging. Go Paul, rockin' da house!!

[Paul1131]

Thank you sir, sounds like your right there with me, and I hope it keeps getting better for you.

[Paul1131]

Second day off after the first six day cycle of USLM2. The blended brain feeling is gone, and I woke up motivated and energized and all that fun stuff. I got some stuff done around the house that I had been putting off and my wife had been bugg....... I mean I knew I should be getting to. Actually got a lot done, and the place looks a bit better. I recently realized that the mess isn’t doing anything nice for my state of mind, and doesn’t match how someone who lives the life I want to keeps their living space.
Some of my negative thought patterns (pessimism and brutal self criticism) started creeping back into my head today. It wasn’t much and it lacked the emotional impact that it has had since I can remember. Just kind of enough to make me realize how GONE it has been lately.
That self criticism was my old programming, and my day to day mental reality for thirty some years, and it’s not going to go away completely over night. That’s ok, the progress toward that has been amazingly fast, so I’m not worried.

[findingme]

I've seen noone mention self criticism being touched by USLM yet. I've heard about fears evaporating, but not self criticism. Thank you for being so specific in your posts, as I own USLM and am waiting to finish my E2 run before starting it.

Thank you for having the guts and the awareness to share this.

Also, I can completely relate to not cleaning house and knowing inner and outer realities differ. I look forward to doing this too

[Paul1131]

[/quote]I've seen noone mention self criticism being touched by USLM yet. I've heard about fears evaporating, but not self criticism

It’s just something I noticed. Actually it started on version one at some point. I just noticed that I wasn’t doing it anymore. I believe that the self criticism was in large part how I manifest fear, and I was sabotaging my own self confidence.

[quote]
Thank you for having the guts and the awareness to share this

Thank you. I don’t know that it took much in the way of guts though. No one on here knows who I actually am, and if the info I’m providing helps anyone I’m glad.

[Paul1131]

I had the first piece of reciognisably bad luck since I started USLM today. I got the my first ever speeding ticket. This may have freaked me out a bit before since the job I am in for involves an extensive background check, but eh, one moving violation in twenty four years of driving ain’t bad. They’ll deal.
I am not taking this as a sign of the sub not working. Crap happens, and sometimes it’s going to happen even with the odds bent in your favor.

[Shannon]

Is getting pulled over for speeding really "bad luck", though? Or is it simply the inevitable result of choosing to speed?

[Paul1131]

Is getting pulled over for speeding really "bad luck", though? Or is it simply the inevitable result of choosing to speed?

LOL, it was bound to catch up with me eventually even though I am a pretty careful driver. I was speeding, so there you go. I simply included it because it happening now is a semi random event and I am running the program, and it hasn’t happened before. The info might be helpful to you somehow.
Also, my point is that I didn’t freak about it. Before I’d have worried about it screwing up my chances for the job I’m trying to get. Now I realize that they probably won’t care about a single traffic ticket and go on being sure I’ll get the job.

[Paul1131]

A funny thing happened while I was running the program last night. It sudderly occurred to me that “Hey, you really need to organize your time better, you should start a to do list.” I know that really productive people tend to do this instead of trying to keep it all in their heads. The odd thing is that I actually got somewhat excited about this idea, and was kind of daydreaming about such a dry subject. I decided that I was going to give myself between two and four tasks a day, perhaps five on a day off aimed at making our living space and life better bit by bit. I downloaded a fancy to do list app, and assigned myself a few tasks a day for the rest of the week. I am committed to looking at it as soon as I wake up, just like I check my email.
I didn’t get them all done this morning because I slept about two hours longer than I usually do, but I’ll get caught up tomorrow.
Seems like the success part of the program has worked through my subconscious enough that the concrete plans and behavioral changes are starting to show up.
I also got one of those meal planning apps where you can download recipes and it puts all the stuff you need onto a grocery list. Because of our schedules, I do most of the cooking at our house, and I find that often I fail to plan. That frequently results in me not knowing what I want to cook, and deciding on fast food at the last minute. That wastes money and has us eating crap more often than we should. With this thing, we will be eating good food a lot more.

[Paul1131]

This afternoon I woke up, checked my to do list, and knocked off all four of the tasks I had set for myself. I got them done before any kind of relaxing and messing around, and in time to cook dinner before work. It was a combination of cleaning tasks that I tend to ignore, and some business that needed to be taken care of. I have tried to force myself to live that way in the past, but I didn’t really follow through. This morning anyway, it seemed natural and like this was how I have been habitually doing things for a long time. It’s almost like the sub and my subconscious just jumped right over that difficult habit forming stage of changing. That’s cool as hell, and I am looking forward to my productivity increasing.
I also get a sense that while I am not where I could financially and professionally at forty, I CAN catch up to where I would be if I didn’t have a slow start, and I can do so very quickly. I wish this thing had existed when I was 16-20. Of course, you’d have had a hard time getting younger me to run anything but DAMSI.
In other news, the past editor function continues to play out in daydreams. Lately I have been remembering situations where someone was able to dominate and mistreat me, but I am being assertive. I kinda sorta remember it happening that way too. Not that I think it actually happened, but (this is really hard to explain) but enough that the emotional effect that the incident has on me now is as if I had done it right at the time and had a different result. I really wish I ever remembered dreams. I’ll bet mine are really interesting now.
Also, I have stopped listening to certain songs that I used to listen to all the time which brought up negative emotional memories that I would dwell on a lot. Those things are over now and I can let them be.