DMSI 3.2A and B: Time for Change

[findingme]

The Optimus Engine is kicking my a**. I'm on B, and.....I'm attempting to look good. That's bulls***.

The OE is doing something I've not done, haven't known how, or even desired: it's pushing me internally to take responsibility for myself. I'm 46, and I still look for a big brother figure to guard me and stick up for me. In other words, I've always had someone I could hide behind. And I've kept my eyes open continuously if I didn't have one.

Shannon said that DMSI is pushing some to start businesses since our minds see this as opening doors for sex. I joined an online business last night after weeks of figuring out things like advertising and such, but I've been wanting to for a couple of years now. So taking responsibility, or growing up, might be how my mind sees me achieving sex. Sounds good, as avoiding this has sapped my confidence lately. Especially today. I worked with the combat veteran again today, he said something while we were talking this morning on the route, and I withdrew for at least an hour after he said it. I simply interpreted that I'd be disappointed if I tried to lean on him, like when I was younger and my brother left. I felt abandoned emotionally. So I didn't talk for at least an hour. I felt alone; unaided; on my own.

I'm don't know where this is taking me, but I do know I've resisted this consistently on subs.

I've not achieved this yet, as I think one way and write to make me look good. My thoughts, oh my thoughts.... I fear being alone again. But....I never grieved when my brother left. I never did. Like today, I never spoke to my coworker about why I shut down. I feared more pain so I held back. Feeling it now even.

I don't want to go through this, but this is actually a gift. I've been stuck here a long time. I'll let DMSI do the hard stuff I'm afraid of. 2 loops tonight.

[findingme]

I've not been posting lately, and in part, I am executing the sub. The OE is making steady changes in me.

I am feeling different mentally this week. This transition, this "I don't need to morph for everybody" has been, well, exactly that--a transition. I've considered posting a half dozen times this week, and a major part of me is saying "Why?" It's questioning my actual motives since I've come here repeatedly trying to manipulate for people to respond, react, and just tell me what to do on a regular basis.

I noticed this at work as well, since one man I've been very submissive around, and this week I've detached from that wormy, needy stance. I've withdrawn from every single relationship I've had this stance with, so I've detached from.....everyone.

It is apparent to me that I've been drawn towards needy people as well. Even stronger characters I've known have let out an unspoken "I need help too but don't know how to admit it" kind of message. And me changing is changing everything. I don't need everyone else to decide for me all the time! This is new, very new.

I just got off the phone with my mom. I changed plans on going over there, but I called instead of texting, and we talked 30 minutes. I'd been following internal guilt leadings to visit her regularly, but I got the message (from myself) that I needed to take care of my own business. It sucks on Monday when I get to work realizing I took care of everyone else on the weekend, but ignored myself!

And this is an active process. So much so that I'm going to jump off now. Staying on is fear based, me pleading for assistance, so NO!

[findingme]

Question: how do I change my message underneath my screenname? I edited my signature recently after going into the control panel, but I could not find where I'd entered the info under my screenname.

I've been on B for almost 2 weeks, I'll be going to A for a week, so I'm wishing to show that under my screenname.

EDIT: Nevermind. Found it.

[findingme]

I'm heading towards seemingly major changes, and I easily credit DMSI with this.

First off, I've made major moves forward in my YT ads creation, as I'm having a script built, and will hire a video creator as soon as I have it in hand. I know these ads grab attention, and once I put it in front of people searching for education or tools for targeted areas, it'll grab attention. And tbh, it's been a comfortable (and uncomfortable) norm NOT expecting success. Seriously, hiding from success in life kept me free from challenges, change, and new experiences.

Something in DMSI is persuading me to grow, to change. And, in fact, I'm writing knowing I'll be restarting A (tomorrow I think), and I expect it to start digging into my restraints. I expect to cry again. Being honest, I've had no tears at all on B, and crying connects me to me. A sad connection, but still a connection.

A coworker texted me about not coming in today. He said I can't earn money by staying at home. I've not achieved it yet, but I imagined me replying "I disagree :-)".

I'm writing since I get in my own way. Only I do. If I stay with my company, I play by their rules and games. They also severely limit growth, witnessed by many very competent people coming and going since........I don't know why. I am afraid of something there; I'll let it come up in time, but I know it's mostly due to fears of giving myself over and being hurt. Lots of proud promises there, but little action on their side. I'm blaming them, so I'll stop. I need to.

But I did take a lot of action on moving this forward. I've been in training videos today a good bit. Trying to work on things I can change.

[Zane]

You sound like a totally different person. The quality of u post has changed. You r indeed growing and moving forward. Nice to see that u r making progress.

[Zane]

Question: how do I change my message underneath my screenname? I edited my signature recently after going into the control panel, but I could not find where I'd entered the info under my screenname.

I've been on B for almost 2 weeks, I'll be going to A for a week, so I'm wishing to show that under my screenname.

EDIT: Nevermind. Found it.

User CP-> Edit Options - >Custom User Title

[findingme]

I am writing on girls separately, as DMSI opened my eyes to something this past weekend.

I had a spell of missing my daughter again, thinking on her since I cleaned up my whole place. I have numerous pictures of her, and with each one, both my resentments and expectations would increase.

But ALSO, a growing understanding and compassion has risen. I'll read into my daughter's face (in her pictures) feelings I'm experiencing. Cut to the point: I've lived based on her acceptance of me, of her leading me, and I only reacted to her good or bad mood. Yes, I just said that. I realized I'd put her into a caretaking role for myself, instead of me taking care of her. I was very dependent on her leading me, like I'd expected my brother to do, a game of confused parenting. My own mother set us up for this, so I modeled it to my own daughter.

Scarily, I connected this to why I've eyed younger girls (late teens), since they are still often very emotionally vulnerable. I was like "OH F***".............I'd put my own daughter in this league. This is unhealthy, unhealthy....... And strewn with resentment landmines everywhere I turn.

I've done this. I've thought like this. And I'm rejecting lies that it'll turn out "good". Lies. All lies. I'm distancing myself from this whole GD lie! I have to.

I've felt a lot of relief seeing that and not being ok with it. I'm turning from it inside.

And last night I went shopping for work snacks. I picked up my stuff, and chose to face my fears that I'd be "weird" by choosing to go into a line of one attractive girl. Her coworker stayed with her bagging my stuff (all of 5 items), but she left since (IMO) I didn't wish to toy with her emotions by looking at her. I talked with my cashier, but mostly to face my own fears that I'd use people wherever and whenever I wanted to. I felt good after leaving, having not been thinking like a slimeball.

DMSI is tearing up my norm with women. And I have choice. I wish to live without regrets, and I have been successful in the last few days.

[Shawn]

Looks like you're making progress.

[findingme]

Hard to write. Kind of. I've had loads of new changes come on lately. I'm not the same person I've been. No sexual exploits, no. I've had awareness of the aura lately, but I've not pursued any women lately. Flirted yes. Sex not even close.

Big changes are happening inside. And I'm not here to share answers really, but to seek knowledge.

Had to restart my post. I'm trying to paint a "I have my s*** together" picture. That's a friggin lie. It's always mixed, mostly.

Job: going well. Asked the boss about a position he offered. He actually went into sales pitch mode, as if he wanted me to know they wanted me. I felt really complimented seeing as he gave this with us leaving the shop at the end of the day, with us outside standing near our vehicles. I'd been cautious since when I'm leaving, I'm thinking they do too. Him turning around gave me hope :-)

My business: This is actually why I'm writing. I am making a YT video ad, I worked on it 5 hours Friday night, but I need to edit some things..........and I'm trying to hide from this possible change, all imagined. Since that night I've tried to acknowledge what is holding me up. Fear. Nothing but fear. I need to delete some words, reword other things, and "thinking" about it is......my old safe spot. Because doing it seems like I'm trying to release it to others--where I'll have no control of the outcome. I keep trying to set my mind in some "safe" place, all places from the past. A fear of over-responsibility is at the root, thinking (and remembering) I'll be responsible for (fill in the blank, all negative). I've had mere traces of memories surface, and no dreams (remembered anyway)

Connected here is the fact that I visited my friends last night for our usual money game. One of the guys is a growing entrepreneur himself, battling his tendency to not complete things, to not be successful. I was honest with both of them about my thinking currently, and it helped spilling it out. It's very self serving on my part (I think), but while I shared I grabbed onto truths that collided with my very mindset of not moving, and I aired them. Like I found some relief by visiting my own thinking while talking. I've done this while writing here, and I'm glad I wrote, as it reminded me.

And girls: I've not been scoping around for them since I've realized DMSI is trying to grow me into a successful person, in both my eyes and others. I've been WAY more focused on setting up my business. Starting "A" this week scared me some, and I've whined to myself a lot. I am holding on though. It's too soon to jump off, especially since it's only been under a month. UD was slow building up too, but once it kicked in, it held me on it. I did test 2 loops last night. I'm a bit off today, so I'll stick with one.

But one thing is sticking out. I truly think really low of myself, which I've realized this week. I realized I had this "I can't succeed" message in my head. THAT is so very, very prominent in my head. This has battled dating, doing my own business, and even working as a good employee. AND even nurturing personal relationships, people I've known for years. I feel sh**** today not wanting or choosing to go see my mom. That's a whole bag of confusing messages for me since (as I see it) she does not want any change in her life. This "I can't succeed" message has been running my life, and I've been a yes-man in response. Well, before DMSI anyway.

But DMSI is going head to head with this message. I'm attracted to and pursuing good things all in spite of it. I'll start "B" Thursday, which i like. Wondering what'll happen.

[findingme]

What I'm holding on to is the truth that DMSI is seeking to make me sexually irresistible. Me being self-supporting seems very attached to that.

I have judged myself severely using worldly and cultural financial standards, and in response, I've melted into the background of life so, in effect, I'd not attract attention. I've been very successful in this. I have a college degree, but work for almost minimum wage for a garbage company. My current reason for staying has been the physical activity, the openings I've been successful with, and also the male relationships I learn from--which is my main motivation every day I'm there. For I grew up with brothers.

I'll most likely keep this job even if I am successful with my YT business. It's the closest "family" I know, being honest. ...............And.........all while I wrote that I remembered DMSI's "felt" goals: not being a victim in someone else's (corporate) game; building something I can grow with, and not being and feeling like a small child around men. I'm just taking it one day at a time though. More will come.

DMSI is keeping my eyes open, for I am so very capable of many things.

I'll work on my video tonight

[Mischief]

Been keep up with your journey and one thing stuck out in my mind that is working in your life right now. Chasing goals and not people. Once you achieve your goals or on that right trajectory to get there, the right people will fall into place. That is the impression that I see DMSI is taking you and it’s a good path.

[findingme]

Thanks Mischief. Yes, it's prompting me continually, and I'm accepting it. Well, most of me is. I'm facing some old "I can't..." messages in my head when going into my video page. They're old tapes making noise trying to get me to stay where I am.

Which is another strong reason I'm sticking with DMSI. I've never had this clear compulsion on any other sub. Never. It's moving me from within, which I've never had business-wise.

Been avoiding it these last 4 hours. Did prep for work, washed clothes, went shopping....... I'm going to give it 20 minutes and then drop.

[findingme]

I'm posting this so I don't forget it.

Yesterday, near the end of the work day, I began strongly desiring to go to an old 12 step meeting I had gone to for at least 8 years or so. I've not been to this one in 3 years or so, but since its feel is very different (and very Rule 4 related) I imagined going. I even wanted to go.

But I didn't go. I was almost finished editing my YT ad video, and with mixed feelings, I missed the meeting. I felt great though since I actually finished my video! My fears of not completing it had grown, so I dug in and finished it instead. Yippee!

I considered why I skipped the meeting, but dismissed it seeing I was soon ready to air my ad. I didn't dwell on it (strangely, that's a first).

This morning, while showering, I imagined what I'd have done if I'd gone to the meeting. What came to mind quickly was true for years: lots of hiding and lying (to myself mostly). I realized why I went so long and did not change. I went there to hide. That's why I lied and hid myself while there. Hiding was my lifelong norm, my comfy spot. I conveniently used meetings to make this valid and acceptable in other's eyes.

I'm grateful I didn't do this now. Me living out old unhappy habits often just hurts me.

I'm not fully sure what this is affecting in me, but......I think I've also been dreaming lately. I haven't actively remembered dreams since childhood. Is this really happening? This is inspiring and encouraging! Stuff must be clearing in me :-)

This is my day off of A. I'll start up B tomorrow.

[findingme]

Also, I texted my ex today to tell her I'd be giving child support Friday. She perked up and was unusually responsive and inquisitive. I've had old feelings surface lately. I'm unsure where they're taking me. I'll just follow them.

And she said something which makes me both excited and nervous. She asked if I'd be around July 4th. She presently lives in Kentucky (at least 800 miles away), so I said I'd be here and asked what she meant. She said she would be back here locally playing trumpet in the marching band on July 4th, and wondered if I'd be playing too. I told her I've been wanting to strongly, and she replied she was glad to hear that.

EDIT: The fear I've been feeling has more to do with me playing trumpet vs. seeing my ex-wife. My first year playing trumpet (cornet actually), I played for long stretches. I emoted easily through music, and I expressed myself easily, with whatever emotion came up. Me even thinking of playing surfaces emotions I've buried for years. I imagine me playing, and crying, and playing more to feel more. To be more. To be myself. Why am I afraid?

Thinking about it isn't doing it. Doing it....is doing it.

Where can I practice this weekend?

Lately, I've found just walking through my fears has been changing something in me. It's kind of weird, but I like it. I feel more responsible.

So just go through it.