In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

What do you mean your body shutdown?

An exaggeration, but basically I get so burnt out I can't do anything except sleep. I lose my ability to function.

---

So I've been thinking about DMSI and how sticking with two loops seems to have me in a sort of deadlock. I'm bumping it up to 3 loops tonight and leaving it like that for a week. Then if that doesn't work I'll go to 4, and so on.

To be short with this post, I'm really sick of myself. I feel like I'm probably drilling down into the real stuff at this point. For a good few weeks I thought I had internalized DMSI more and was finally carrying out the suggestions. Started thinking I was hot shit, confident IDGAF attitude, whatever else. All just a load of bullshit. If I can't maintain those attitudes and frames in a real live scenario with other people, I'm effectively just mentally masturbating about how far I've come to gratify my own ego and not deal with the harsh truth that I'm still not where I want to be. Or maybe it's a type of resistance like "hey look! Look how cool you are, look how much you don't care, look how indifferent you are, look how you're sooo confident now you're just going to hole yourself up in your house and convince yourself this is what you actually want".

Yeah, we'll see what happens this week.

[DarkPlouf]

Hey Mat.

To be short with this post, I'm really sick of myself. I feel like I'm probably drilling down into the real stuff at this point. For a good few weeks I thought I had internalized DMSI more and was finally carrying out the suggestions. Started thinking I was hot shit, confident IDGAF attitude, whatever else. All just a load of *****. If I can't maintain those attitudes and frames in a real live scenario with other people, I'm effectively just mentally masturbating about how far I've come to gratify my own ego and not deal with the harsh truth that I'm still not where I want to be. Or maybe it's a type of resistance like "hey look! Look how cool you are, look how much you don't care, look how indifferent you are, look how you're sooo confident now you're just going to hole yourself up in your house and convince yourself this is what you actually want".

Is this really caused by DMSI ? Isn't it something you felt already or you used to feel ?
This is on point the cause of most of my depression seasons. Now that I'm 32 days off from DMSI I can say most of the low moods / depression moments I was getting under DMSI were more likely not caused by DMSI or by resistance but just because that's how I feel most of the time. Pre/Post DMSI. That's my conclusion after 32 days of being pretty much mindful of my thoughts and emotions, even taking small notes, so I can objectively compare what was doing DMSI.
Before I was attributing bad days to DMSI digging up something whithin myself but in reality I think it was meant to happen anyway. Just like how, still being off from DMSI I feel crap and sick of myself sometimes. It happened tonight for example. Went out, felt like crap by seeing all these amazing people having fun. Felt drained too. Just felt like going home quickly, lie down and sink to oblivion.
Going out seems to have this effects on me most of time. Because unconsciouslly I keep comparing myself to others. I keep focusing on what I don't have, how these people out there have happy life.
Blah, blah, that sort of thing.

Ask yourself, is this something you used to think and feel ? I'm pretty sure I've always felt that way. Running DMSI and keeping a journal just helped me noticing all of that. Now when I think about it i've always been depressed my whole life. As far as I can remember even at 14yo I had suicidal thoughts, repeatedly.
It's today I just realized that. Funny how I easily forgot that.

Do you relate to my observations ?

[mat422]

Hey Mat.

To be short with this post, I'm really sick of myself. I feel like I'm probably drilling down into the real stuff at this point. For a good few weeks I thought I had internalized DMSI more and was finally carrying out the suggestions. Started thinking I was hot shit, confident IDGAF attitude, whatever else. All just a load of *****. If I can't maintain those attitudes and frames in a real live scenario with other people, I'm effectively just mentally masturbating about how far I've come to gratify my own ego and not deal with the harsh truth that I'm still not where I want to be. Or maybe it's a type of resistance like "hey look! Look how cool you are, look how much you don't care, look how indifferent you are, look how you're sooo confident now you're just going to hole yourself up in your house and convince yourself this is what you actually want".

Is this really caused by DMSI ? Isn't it something you felt already or you used to feel ?
This is on point the cause of most of my depression seasons. Now that I'm 32 days off from DMSI I can say most of the low moods / depression moments I was getting under DMSI were more likely not caused by DMSI or by resistance but just because that's how I feel most of the time. Pre/Post DMSI. That's my conclusion after 32 days of being pretty much mindful of my thoughts and emotions, even taking small notes, so I can objectively compare what was doing DMSI.
Before I was attributing bad days to DMSI digging up something whithin myself but in reality I think it was meant to happen anyway. Just like how, still being off from DMSI I feel crap and sick of myself sometimes. It happened tonight for example. Went out, felt like crap by seeing all these amazing people having fun. Felt drained too. Just felt like going home quickly, lie down and sink to oblivion.
Going out seems to have this effects on me most of time. Because unconsciouslly I keep comparing myself to others. I keep focusing on what I don't have, how these people out there have happy life.
Blah, blah, that sort of thing.

Ask yourself, is this something you used to think and feel ? I'm pretty sure I've always felt that way. Running DMSI and keeping a journal just helped me noticing all of that. Now when I think about it i've always been depressed my whole life. As far as I can remember even at 14yo I had suicidal thoughts, repeatedly.
It's today I just realized that. Funny how I easily forgot that.

Do you relate to my observations ?

Yeah this definitely isn't just DMSI. I've always felt like this, much like you. Feels like I constantly walk around in a state of melancholy. I try to make the best of my life, but I'm rarely as happy as everyone else around me. I'm also incredibly volatile and the slightest upsets can sometimes trigger a depressive episode in me. I've tried to be strong over the years with this stuff, but the truth is I have so little control over my emotions and it's embarrassing in a way.

But that's why I've been keeping on with DMSI. I want to be done with all this. Just want to be strong enough to live a life I want instead of settling. Just because I've always been depressed doesn't mean that's who I am and it's unchangeable. So I just keep pushing and hoping one day I break through and overcome this stuff. But who knows, maybe this is all I'll ever be and I'm just a fucked up person.

The way I see it I really only ever had two options in my life for facing all this stuff. Kill myself or keep improving myself until I become genuinely happy.

[DarkPlouf]

I am contemplating what to do now that I realized that. Did you run E2 ?

[mat422]

I am contemplating what to do now that I realized that. Did you run E2 ?

Yeah for a little over a year. In my opinion nothing really has touched upon these issues as much as DMSI. I thought about going back to E2, but I know DMSI is healing a lot for me. It's not always apparent, but the progress is there.

But really it does feel like a crapshoot at times and I can't say this is the best route really. So it's up to you. I'm just gonna keep going with DMSI because the fact that I want to quit just shows how much more I have to grow and face to be who I want to be.

[mat422]

Well there's no doubt in my mind now that I'm resisting heavily. It seems I'm battling some really strong fears. Most of which stem from the constant belief that people don't really like me and once they see who I actually am will leave me. So as a preemptive measure I keep everyone at arm's length. I'd rather deal with the pain of loneliness and isolation vs subjecting myself to the fear. Just shows how strong this fear is for me.

[Superman]

Im pretty much the same way.

I feel like I do that a lot myself, hold people at arms length and fear that if they get too close or know too much ill be embarrassed or worse.

[mat422]

Im pretty much the same way.

I feel like I do that a lot myself, hold people at arms length and fear that if they get too close or know too much ill be embarrassed or worse.

It's definitely something that is very isolating at times. I do wonder how common it is among people though.

---

I'm in a bit of a low mood right now. This post might get long because I have something to get off my mind. I've mentioned it before, but a while back I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. Now before anyone says "you're not the disorder, don't believe in it" hear me out. I've been at this for a while now. I've read so many damn books on how to improve myself and I've been running these subs and I have seen growth. But it's not easy, it's never been easy. Part of the reason I've never seen a therapist for any of this lately is because the very nature of the disorder makes it hard for me to trust people. And therapy is only as good as your ability to trust the person and disclose your most intimate thoughts and feelings. Something I suck at, a lot.

So for now I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself to do a complete 180 and all the idealized notions I have in my head. I've accepted that this struggle I face is very real and it's not a matter of thinking more positive or to stop being so negative. It is what it is. For the longest time I'd be in denial about it all because I felt like if I gave it my attention it somehow held more power over me. But that's stupid. Our issues effect us whether we want to acknowledge them or not. One thing I've come to realize, people give the worst advice if they've never dealt with a particular problem. Not only is it useless, but it's harmful when it implies the individual who has been struggling hasn't been trying hard enough.

I deleted all my dating apps off my phone, wasn't getting matches anyway and the whole thing was bumming me out. Don't even want attention from women right now, I just don't give a fuck. I've got such bigger issues to deal with than being sexy to women.

I know this sounds depressing and like I'm spiraling out. But in all honesty it's liberating for me. To own up to my dysfunctional behavior and realize that maybe I've been being too hard on myself. Maybe all my issues are a lot more complex than I've been assuming. Maybe I just have the overly shallow useless advice from the books I've read echoing in my head making me feel like I'm doing something wrong when it doesn't work.

Needless to say I'm staying on DMSI because obviously something is being tugged at here.

[Griffin]

hi man, i wanted to say that i see a lot of growth in your last post!
i know that you will only grow from here on out.

Cheers

[mat422]

hi man, i wanted to say that i see a lot of growth in your last post!
i know that you will only grow from here on out.

Cheers

Thanks for dropping by. It helps a lot when I can get some outside perspective on things.

---

So I'm back up to 4 loops. After a week of 3 I decided I could go to 4 with no real consequences.

So I'm at a point where I've realized I haven't actually been facing my emotional damage. DMSI has been pushing me towards it more and more. As of right now I find myself consistently executing the instructions to heal and it's pretty unpleasant. Feels like I'm getting in touch with a side of myself I didn't even know I had. I've been pretty numb for years now and I haven't even realized it, I guess that's how bad things have gotten for me. It feels like a combination of fear, worthlessness, hopelessness, and anger all at once. It feels paralyzing.

This is huge progress for me. Just coming to terms I might be struggling with more emotional pain than I let on and finally healing it instead of sweeping it under the rug. I've been numb for years now and I didn't even realize it. Still a lot of growth to be had here. In fact I think these past few weeks I haven't been healing at all and I've just been resisting it completely.

[mat422]

Yeah so basically I've been feeling worse and better at the same time. Typically when I felt depressed or anxious I'd force myself not to feel that way. It was essentially me refusing to acknowledge what needed to be healed. Also partially because I've internalized being negative as being a "bad person". And because I had my self worth dependent on being a good person, I would deny that part of myself. So things would come up, I'd be ashamed of not being able to be a positive person, stuff it all down, then it would pop up again. Resulting in a cycle of not healing what needs to be healed.

I've realized when it comes to women, internally I still feel like the incredibly awkward and uncool teenager I was in high school. The root of my anxiety is knowing this deep down, but still trying to present myself in a favorable way to achieve a certain outcome. The fear of being found out and my charade falls apart as I get to know someone more and the parts of me I keep hidden leak out. That's the fear that's followed me for a while now and I couldn't figure it out. It seems outwardly I have changed, but what's still holding me back is still having the emotional imprint of how I was when I was younger and carrying it around like some dirty secret I have to hide from everyone.

[mat422]

I have never in my life dealt with so much utter confusion and chaos within my own mind. I don't know what to believe anymore.

So today was really slow at work and it gave me a lot of time to think about all this. I started thinking about how much I've been pushing to finish music and to hone my craft. I thought about all the sacrifices I need to make because this type of stuff requires a lot of energy and time. More than most people want to commit to if they just want to keep it as a hobby. I have put myself through some serious depression and stress over this music thing. It's like trying to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle, but all you can do is keep on creating until you find it. I thought that maybe all this was my ego. Maybe I was really just trying to seek some kind of external validation through this music and I was a slave to my desires. I got really close to calling it quits and just keeping music as a hobby because I thought it would be better that way.

And it's not. No matter how much struggle and stress I put myself through, I have this drive inside me to create and do something with it. More than just a hobby.

Just felt like writing about this because it seemed to be a really elaborate way for the fear to manifest. It seems like in life sometimes we are so afraid to do something or go for something that we create scenarios or beliefs in our heads to avoid the fear. To me, this is when things get dangerous. When you start limiting yourself, but you're not even aware of it because you think you're seeing the truth. When really you're seeing through the filter that your subconscious constructed to get you to avoid the things you fear.

[mat422]

So big facepalm moment. I'm really happy the discomfort module is being removed in 3.2 because I have been screwing up royally with that.

I mentioned it before but I often mistake the discomfort for emotional healing and then stay in that discomfort state waiting for it to pass. Pretty much creating a cycle of resisting.

I'm trying to stay out of my head more. Just do things. I'm going to buy a tablet to draw some stuff. Nothing serious, just a stress reliever. I like sketching weird stuff. Or just fooling around and doing drawings that start as nothing and gradually develop into something. Basically the goal is to not have this turn into, "my art has to be amazing or I suck". Something that slowly happened with my music and now I'm paying the price.

On that note, had another back and forth regarding the music thing. I've decided that if I want to achieve my goal of making this more of my lifestyle I have to stop attaching my self worth to it. That means I have to accept the fact that I may never achieve the greatness I desire, but that's not the end of the world. One singular hyper focused goal, stressing to be super good, it's just a recipe for burnout.

Every single artists I admire that I've read about or seen in interviews stresses the importance of enjoying it. Some of them even say they never expected success, they just followed what they loved. I've been so focused on being good I killed that enjoyment for myself. And the biggest irony is the more I tried to be good, the less good I got.

All this circles back to perfectionism. Yes that lifelong problem I struggle with. I'm slowly dropping the demands on myself. It's hard, part of me thinks if I stop putting this pressure on myself I won't achieve anything. Fear. Which interestingly enough fear of not being good enough fuels me to hold onto the perfectionism. It's a really messed up cycle. Being so miserable, telling myself I should go easy on myself and it's ok if I'm not good, fear pops in and tells me if I keep doing this I'll never be good, restarts the cycle.

I've started reading a book on psychological defense mechanisms to better learn how to deal with all this. One thing I've come to realize is growth and healing requires some difficult reflection and sometimes I'm not willing to acknowledge it. Essentially denial, so I bounce towards the extreme and feel like I need to become superman to escape all my emotional problems. You can see how tricky this gets.

All in all, it seems like I definitely still have some growing to do. The foundation is shaky and anything I build on top of that will crumble.

[mat422]

Scaling back to two loops. Interestingly enough I though I was making more progress on 4 loops, but quite the opposite actually. I'd throw myself into my music, didn't eat right, and would isolate myself. Also incredibly irritable. There's progress and then there's an illusion of progress.

I can't understand all the workings of my mind but it's like I've got two very different parts. One part pushes and pushes, saying if I just keep pushing I'll have that breakthrough. Another part pulls back. The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away. On 4 loops I noticed emotional suppression actually got worse. I thought it was me "letting go". I've realized I don't actually have as much ability of letting go of emotions as I'd desire. In fact most of the time I'm pretty sure it's repression or avoidance and I convince myself I've let it go when I haven't.

So tonight I'm taking off and letting my mind rest. Then I'm sticking to 2 loops from here on out. I've wavered back and forth with this a lot, but I've come to the conclusion that more doesn't equal better. In fact it can trigger even more resistance and cause me to sabotage myself than if I stuck to two loops and took things at a tolerable pace. I don't know, maybe 2 loops hit me so hard that it spooked my subconscious so it decided 4 loops was a good idea to get me to overprocess and effectively render the sub null. Who the hell knows.