In this for the healing DMSI v3.1 A

[mat422]

Thanks guys. It's been a really confusing journey and I've been really close to backing out at times without realizing it. DMSI by far has caused the most sneaky tactics to get me to quit. Even going so far as to create posts on this forum whose sole intention is to portray dmsi in the worst light possible in order to give me an out. I mean damn this stuff gets tricky.

[ReeZoX]

I am also happy to hear you staying on DMSI

A thing to consider is not doing DMSI daily. But run it each 2-3 days or so, for me that has worked surprisingly well.

[dissonance]

hahahaha holy shit dude. I feel you. DMSI has been pushing me into transforming and evolving as well. But seriously, that IS the way to go. I mean no one stays the same person the entire goddamn life, right? And plus, you SHOULDN'T. Change and growth is the point of self-improvement.

I'm glad you decided to stay with it too. In my mind i was like cmon stick with it!! Today was a depressing day for me to in the morning. I stayed in bed for an extra few hours and just thought a bunch of negative and fearful thoughts while half asleep/half awake the entire time. It was like I just didn't want to deal with reality.

[dissonance]

So you'd rather get there slower but with less turbulence, instead of faster but with more turbulence? Sounds like resistance

Why does that sound like resistance? It's perfectly reasonable and I understand because i'm similar in that when things are too forceful it can shut me down a bit and the gentle method has usually helped the most.

True, I guess it is hard to say with certainty.

[mat422]

The rage flowing through me right now, man the rage. I feel like a caged animal with this whole full time work routine. Wake up, eat, go to work, come home do what I want, sleep, repeat. Normally this would depress me to no end, but it seems like it's really anger that's popping up. Angry at all the people who enforce this as the standard way of living and anything outside of it is "unrealistic".

I'm also slowly taking on the mentality of not caring if people think I'm a bad worker, incompetent, or a jerk. I just don't care anymore. People are gonna think what they want to think. I'm not here to perform and dance for people like some goddamn wind up monkey. Especially women.

A lot of this is like waking up. Before I was just trying to improve myself so I could survive and I was working on stuff from within a certain model of reality. Now I just want to throw all that crap out and live outside the bounds of what I was conditioned to believe.

I know this sounds really me vs them mentality and ultimately it's my responsibility to take charge of my life. But do any of you wonder if it's really just us accidentally taking on these limiting beliefs or falling into a system that's been designed to work a certain way. Am I truly limiting myself? Or did I latch onto the beliefs from a system that encourages people to become worker drones?

[kalmah0804]

How many days of DMSI 3.1 have you been running now, and has it all been version A, or have there been some mix-ins with Version B as well? You seem like you're turning your life around externally, and the internal strides you've been making in the past few weeks seem like you're heading for a really huge internal breakthrough. I wish it wasn't so painful, frustrating, and depressing at times, but it really does seem like for those of us with huge internal blockages, DMSI 3.1 is the way to go... no matter how bad the resistance gets.

Your last post speaks volumes to your growth. Before, it was years and years of posting of hopelessly pining after things--pining after the approval of women, pining after success with music, internal mastery, et cetera. Not giving a fuck what people think of you indicates a movement in the right direction. Soon, hopefully, you'll see a sense of self-liberating independence, in which the responses, validations, and approvals of others around you, or the sense of having things or "feeling accomplished" in your life truly mean nothing to you. I think once we shed ourselves of our dependence on external things to make our lives feel complete, only then are we truly free and strong enough to go out and actually accomplish those things. It's only once we're no longer feeling the "need" to have approval, success, money, sex, love, whatever in our lives that we are truly capable enough and internally strong enough and ready to go out and achieve those things.

[mat422]

It's been a bit over two months now. It's all been version A, no B. Something I'm realizing is that all that pain, frustration, depression. It's just a byproduct of resisting. DMSI really does have a strong capability of removing negative emotions and beliefs if you let it. That's the problem though, being able to trust in it enough and let go and stop fighting it. It's something I've been learning lately and it's a real eye-opener because I've realized all this endless meditation and introspection on my pain and suffering was in no way letting go. It really hit me today when I realized that all this stuff I've thought I've been letting go over the years wasn't actually let go of. I just fed it by being way too caught up inside of my own head and built my identity around it.

Definitely feeling your second paragraph. Especially when I look back over how much anxiety I caused myself by basing my worth in all these external things. And for no real good reason. Just that I developed it as a habit and then I was reluctant to let it go.

---

Going back up to 4 loops tonight. I've started trusting in my subconscious more to make the necessary changes and improvements. With that growth I wanted to try stepping it up a bit and see how much power I can get out of DMSI. I know in the past when I brought up the loops it really pushed me outside my comfort zone and pushed my resistance up a lot. But now I feel like I might know how to stop resisting as much. The plan is to now change as fast as I possibly can and to stop taking the slow and steady path.

[dissonance]

btw jus curious, when you were doing 4 loops, did youstart to get tired at night around 2-3 hrs earlier than u normally would?

[mat422]

btw jus curious, when you were doing 4 loops, did youstart to get tired at night around 2-3 hrs earlier than u normally would?

Yup, also a bit more emotional. I'm not up to date on the acronyms but I think it's P6? Basically the sub hits me before I actually listen to it. Crazy stuff.

---

Ok so 4 loops is intense. I'm getting some heavy emotional stuff being pulled up but I'm happy about it. I welcome the pain now because I know when I move past it I just get stronger. Car crapped out on me today. Normally I'd be losing it, but I'm so calm it's awesome.

I woke up today and just felt good. Crazy tense at work today too. One of our domain controllers went down and I had no idea what was going on. So I'm just trying to provide moral support to people who can't get their computers working. But this one manager was being nasty with me today because I couldn't fix everything fast enough. Brushed that shit off, seriously stopped caring what she thought of my competence and all that. I'm the lighting rod in this new position when stuff goes south. That's why I was hired. A few years ago I would have crumbled in this position and got down on myself. Now I don't care, I have no need to.

Feels like as I uncover more in my subconscious my life grows more hectic. Like this purge isn't just emotional. It causes ripples that effect my immediate reality. I'm getting better, that's for sure. Still have my sticking points. Still crazy anxious around people for no real reason. But I don't get down on myself about it now. There's still a lot of fear, it's kind of nuts how much of it I buried. Just makes me realize I've done pretty well for myself considering what I have to deal with on a daily basis.

[mat422]

Funny how as I grow I shed layers of protection. I'm no badass. All the posturing, the idgafs, the anger. It was all protection to prevent me from being hurt. The problem with that attitude is I walked around expecting bad behavior from people so much I became blind to the good. I'm at a point where I want to spread love, not more anger. And if people want to take advantage of me I know how to put my foot down. And it doesn't involve taking on more negative judgement or toxic emotions. It just means detaching myself from the situation and resolving it without giving into less developed emotional reactions.

That being said, I'm still really anxious around people and it makes me appear aloof. I'm not trying to be aloof. It's easy to walk around with anger and fake dominance to hide the fear of rejection. It's s lot harder being open and honest with people and not hiding behind anything. what I'm coming to realize is that I still very much fear rejection so I still wear a mask. I need to clear this stuff out

[mat422]

Holy shit, did I take a nose dive today. But that's probably because I was drinking coffee during the week and then I had 2 cups of it today. I'm not saying coffee is bad for you, but for me it causes some weird stuff. My joints will start hurting, I'll have trouble concentrating, I'll get really cold, low circulation, and of course major depression. And I'm sure the fact that it ruins the state shifting doesn't help. But what can I say? I like the focus I get from caffeine because it helps me focus on shit I don't care about. Otherwise I'll fall asleep attempting anything.

So basically today I found out my car repair was going to cost me an extra 90 dollars on what I anticipated. Alright, whatever. But then I went home to work on some music and nothing was working. Like full on absolutely hating everything I created. It was so bad I was contemplating just quitting all this shit and from there I just wanted to kill myself. Right now even with a full time job, I'm feeling stressed because I hate the routine of it all. On top of it all I've been researching all about upward progression for this type of job and apparently people in my line of work are treated like shit. Specifically by corporate dickheads who think they know more about technology than they do and just abuse their IT workers because they think the shit is easy.

For now I'm just going to stay in this job for at least a year or two. That is if I even make it past the probationary 90 day period. Who knows, maybe they won't even want to hire me. But goddamn is it soul crushing when you think you've figured out a way to improve your life and it turns out it's just another fucking hole you've dug yourself into.

One things for certain, I'm increasingly annoyed when people try to coerce me into settling or taking some kind of safe route. I mean I'm not going out there and really taking risks, but at the same time that whole safe mentality irritates the crap out of me and seems like enslavement almost. Yeah you have stability, but are you happy? None of this shit matters if you aren't happy.

So yeah things went south today, but I'm recovering from it. I tell myself it'll pass and to not hold onto it. Made some headway with the music and broke through into something I liked. Still find it incredibly difficult to finish stuff though. And the reason I've realized is that I just second guess myself all the time and I'm worried it's not complex enough or pushing boundaries or original enough, or any number of stupid thoughts that make me insecure about what I'm making. So it just goes full circle back to being a perfectionist and being too hard on myself.

Just want some goddamn freedom in my own life. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in some kind of prison and not actually living.

[mat422]

Going through caffeine withdrawal. It sucks. My ability to focus is abysmal. Feels like I'm too anxious to do anything and nothing feels good or safe.

DMSI also has me messed up emotionally. Feeling crazy depressed lately. Thoughts like "is this all there is to life?" Wanting something more, but constantly battling that negative internal dialogue that says I'm being unrealistic and need to grow up and get my head out of the clouds. My future doesn't feel very promising at the moment if all it involves is a typical 9-5 desk job. I should be more grateful for having this job.

I don't know. Don't know how I'm going to fix this. How I'm going to live a life I actually enjoy because right about now it feels like a chore.

[mat422]

Dmsi confuses the crap out of me. I thought I was executing because I was being more resilient towards my negative thoughts and feelings. But it turns out I was running from facing deeper stuff. Last night I was struck with so much fear, I broke into a cold sweat and felt this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It seems like sometimes I'm able to avoid the deeper stuff by convincing myself it's just rumination and instead of acknowledgement I try to will it away.

One thing is for certain, I still have a lot of stuff going on beneath the surface I'm not consciously aware of. Today after overcoming a killer migraine from the day before, I realized once again that I need to stop being anxious all the time. It all started when I sat down to make some music and realized 90% of it has become stressful for me while only 10% is enjoyment. I need to control my anxiety better and learn to do things without being overwhelmed. I've just been forcing everything and pushing, but I reached my critical point the other day and my body shutdown on me.

[dissonance]

What do you mean your body shutdown?