My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Greenduck]

Yeah you should start back E2 again. I know it's tough but the more you wait the more time your stuck with your trauma.

TRE deals with all the Chakras and if you release trauma with it it releases it all across the body.

Tai Chi takes way to long to master, sorry not interested. Actually it takes lifetimes to have a emotional clearing effect. And most people don't follow the prerequisites which is martial arts training and long periods of meditation which was done to better control their energy.

Not right now, but thanks for the suggestion.

Sounds right.

Ok. I disagree on the long time for emotional effects as it have had impact on me just doing it 70 days in row.

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:exclamation:

I'm feeling better. The I of me is slowly becoming stronger - my self - the vessel that we experience life through, the thing that emotions vibrate with, the place where personality, and thus relationships are created from, the place where I experience life from, where my perspective is created. That is a good thing and I believe a fundamental thing for my recovery. I feel like I'm more able to relate to things and people, but the biggest thing is that when I'm alone the extremely empty vortex that made being alone dreadful is now not only an empty vortex where I could feel nothing but just emptiness and despair, but there is somethings else there now even if there is just only a little bit of it, a feeling of something, a feeling of myself.

"Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." — Leonard Cohen

[Zane]

Sometimes I think u should give DMSI Healing version a try.. But do what ur conscious tell u to do.

[Greenduck]

2 months since I was here last time, but it feels much longer, much much much longer. I have gone through so many things, hard nights but constantly have been in a positive direction. I feel much more like myself, even though it's still some road left before I will have come out on "the other side" from what I have experienced. I just wanted people to know that I'm here, even though I haven't written on the forum, and maybe shed some light to those that are battling.

What I have experienced was some kind of fragmentation of everything, where I couldn't find any center in anything. I just couldn't keep it together. Putting it that way you can figure it's hard to express oneself and don't talk about connecting with other people. Connecting would engage emotions and that just stirred up things and made it worse. BUT. Things have changed. I feel more centered in myself, in my emotions, in "me" not drifting away, but having some kind of red thread in my thoughts that wasn't there before. Past memories are coming back and things start to make more sense to me, just general things like reading an article, a book, making sense of it, being able to just peel some potatoes and just do that, and not be worried and drift away every third second. Hope you get the picture.

So what have helped me? Well it have been a combination of things, done consequently on a daily basis, with patience, self-compassion and trying to instill trust over time. But foremost to listen to what I need and just follow that inner guidance, even though that it at first appeared to be very silent and hard to reach. But some of the things:

• Meditation - Very hard at time and putting up some serious confusion and stirred up emotions, but just to learn to let it pass, be inside it and trust that it will be better have been necessary to learn. And I believe this is one of the few ways to dissapate the emotions that have been haunting me. My breathing have become much freer thanks to focusing on tense areas in my chest and breathing "through" them even though it have been really uncomfortable at times
  
• Tai Chi - Learn to build up my strenght in my body again and also practise breathing and loosening up my body
  
• Trauma releasing exercises - I think that those in combination with meditation have helped me become more grounded and help my body relax again
  
• Wim-Hof breathing - I discontinued this practise as it didn't felt "right" at the time i started it, but have slowly started to do it again ,and can feel how i have tensions in my abdomen that I slowly work through
  
• Reading books - Read books about trauma, the one I enjoyed most was "the body keeps the score"
  
• Therapy - Going to someone experienced in mental health to get some perspectives on things from time to time, or just have someone to talk to.
  

That was my cents. And I haven't been able to listen to subliminals, as when I do I become really uncomfortable and it just don't feel "right", somehow they make me feel ungrounded. Maybe it's because I need to come to terms with my emotions before doing the intense healing work that subliminals here are. However, I think that my past listening to E2 have helped guide me to listen more to myself.

Good luck everyone out there!

EDIT:

Lol I came here to write one thing and wrote a whole post, posted it and almost forgot about it. I feel that I'm better inside, like I start to "exist" again and being able to "do" stuff again (sounds weird for some, but I didn't experienced myself existing at times). But I still can't really reach out to people like i did before. I guess it's just a matter of time, but I feel the longing for intimacy and connection, but just can't really get myself to reach out for it. It will probably get solved over time by doing small increments of action towards this goal when I see them, but right now it's I don't know how to put it, but frustrating is the closest word to describe it.

[Greenduck]

My "real" perspective is coming back (i start to feel familiar with how I perceive things around me) and the mist of confusion I have found myself in is starting to clear. What I find is both, a perspective on who other people are, but I'm also starting to remember who I am, and not only the person that others want me to be. I understand who are safe, and who may not have my best interests at heart, which will be crucial for my continued recovery.

One person that can be really damaging is my mother. I have written about it before, but I now can see it clearer. At this time I live at home with her and my dad because of my financial situation which is limited due to not being able to work at the time, so changing the situation is challenging, why I instead have been forced to learn to change how I respond to the situation.

However, my mother... When she don't get as she want, talk about what she want, people don't act as she want, she get upset, angry and create a lot of drama. Everything about her is drama. My dad is a pretty simple guy with a good sense of humor, so at times we have a good time.

Hm. My thoughts was clearer when I though about writing this post, well maybe I'll come back to it later.

Sometimes it just feel like my parents are so wound up into stuff, often the drama my mom carries with her, that they can't see me and see how bad I am feeling, and how damaged I am at the moment. They are just irritated that I'm not happy and outgoing as I used to be, and that just work as icing on the shit-cake that I am trying to get away from.

[Zane]

Well my mother is something like that and she used to waste a lot of money on other to get attention. So I got fed up and played E1 (EPRAH) in her room on comfortable volume. Even though she can speak English and has difficulty typing it. She is somehow responding to E1. She is now taking steps to save money and cutting negative people out of her life. She is changing slowly.

I recommend u just play E1 and in mom's room on some device which plays it 24*7 on low volume and things will be okay then

[Greenduck]

Just diving in here to give a update and ask about a specific behavior that I find in myself, and see if anyone can relate to it.

Overall I'm feeling much better. The state of "panic" that I almost lived in all the time has become much better, I'm very much more emotionally calm, I have more energy, can laugh at things and almost function as normal. So this is GREAT. Super huge development, and I am really happy about it!

What is "left" to be done until I can feel that I am fully healed, ergo what I am missing at this moment, is becoming fully in contact with "myself" and my emotions. Right now I feel like I'm 70 % me but still have some cracks that need to be healed. I believe it's stress that need time to heal.

So I'm pretty OK on a emotional basis. But that is just one dimension of well-being (haha bear with me now) , as there is also a "core self" and "emotional self". The core self is what people refer to as "solar plexus chakra" self. And this part is not fully healed. I feel like I don't have my core-confidence that I had before, and I am working on that by doing Wim-Hof (week 6 now) and regular core exercises.

Mentally I am a bit off, and have a hard time to "think" actively, like sit there and do analytical thinking, I just don't have the mental energy for it.

So that's the current status. Overall huge improvements and I almost can't believe that I have managed to get to where I am, from a point where everything felt like it was falling apart, and just being in the moment was dreadful.

Regarding the issue: It's with my mom, who probably is like any other mom, but the problem I have is that I feel how she feel, and feel like I am supposed to do something, like help her feel good or something, but it never work that way. Like her emotions is overwhelming me, and just to make it stop I feel i need to do something about it. But I really have to focus when this happens do not get sucked into it. Before this was no problem. I felt the "dynamic" behind it or what you want to call it, but could shield myself from it, but now when I am not fully emotionally healthy this become a problem sometime and is stressful. Anyone who can relate to this and maybe clarify it for me?

Hope everyone is well!

[kalmah0804]

Have you ever taken any medication for anxiety or been diagnosed as potentially having an anxiety disorder? What happened/is still happening to you sounds a lot like what happened to me, but taking a break from subs and getting real medical treatment for my anxiety helped bring back my mental clarity and made me feel like I was a real, normal person again. I also think perhaps you might have some buried trauma that is "triggering" this high state of agitation and you may benefit from other forms of mental health treatment.

This is just from my own personal experiences, but your symptoms you had several months ago were the exact same ones that I was having back then too, and now I am doing worlds and leagues beyond better and am continuing to improve with each passing day.

[Greenduck]

Have you ever taken any medication for anxiety or been diagnosed as potentially having an anxiety disorder? What happened/is still happening to you sounds a lot like what happened to me, but taking a break from subs and getting real medical treatment for my anxiety helped bring back my mental clarity and made me feel like I was a real, normal person again. I also think perhaps you might have some buried trauma that is "triggering" this high state of agitation and you may benefit from other forms of mental health treatment.

This is just from my own personal experiences, but your symptoms you had several months ago were the exact same ones that I was having back then too, and now I am doing worlds and leagues beyond better and am continuing to improve with each passing day.

Hi Kalmah,

Nope, no medications. Right now I feel I have passed over a threshold in my recovery from depression with good progress every day, but it could probably have been a good idea to try out some meds before when I was deep into the valley to make my days go by a bit easier. I got to the conclusion that I would try to get better the "natural way" which was why I cut out subliminals, also because they made me very mentally tense, but I hope to be able to give them a new try when I have recovered as I have hope for them being a good additional tool for self-improvement.

Love to hear it (that you are getting better every day, I have had the same feeling for a while now), it's almost hard to believe that you are getting better after having been in a place where "better" was so off the map and you thought that you would stay in that hell for ever (at least that is how I felt for a very long time). But finally the clouds are starting to clear somewhat and I'm starting to get a grip around my life again.

:arrow:

Today I baked a cake (woho, haha) and that's some kind of achievement, you know just doing something and accomplishing it, all by yourself. Even though some things made me irritated and upset when not going as planned, the feeling of being done afterwards is nice. Also have been starting to work a bit in a small company, really interesting with a super nice guy as a boss. I have a good feeling about it. I have good ability to decide of how much I work which is suiting my current situation very much.

I have noticed that what I have problem is to stay focused, then I get anxious and stressed. Social interactions are still hard (with particular people, so maybe it's not that bad as it sounds), and feels unnatural sometimes. I feel that some people are tiring to hang out with, people who want to control things, and control how I act (or at least it feels like they want to), again I am probably exaggerating.

But I am getting more in line with myself again. Calmer and more relaxed, even though I don't feel quiet as myself, but on a good way there. I am sleeping way better, and I have started to enjoy meditation, which previously was just a dread 30 minutes of feeling like shit and being exhausted afterwards (I have meditated around 130 days in a row now, around 30 minutes every time). I have also stayed committed to the "wim hof" breathing ritual every morning followed with doing some cold showers after my initial morning-shower (in warm water). It feels like it have helped me to improve my breathing and release tensions around my torso, making me feel more loosened up and also with some additional energy that I was lacking before. Same thing here, first 5 weeks I felt like shit, even more socially anxious and tired, but now it seems to have turned and make me feel better by doing it.

My psychologist called today and I just felt anxious talking to her, as I have been when meeting her every time. I don't know why, but I just feel anxious talking to her. Shouldn't be that way, so I won't go to her anymore, but probably look for someone else that it feels natural to talk to. It's just to tiring to go talk to her.

Noticed that I can get EXTREMELLY irritated at small things, as when my dad was sitting eating a piece of chocolate with crunchy bits inside of it when we watched a movie, I almost jumped out of the window. That is not like me, but must be a result of tense nerves or something like that.

My relationships with my parents feel off and unnatural for some reason. They feel that I am not "as usual" and that make them insecure about the relationship (I'm guessing here). I trust that it will solve itself over time, but it can also be frustrating in the moment. My dad is overall relaxed which feels good, but my mom usually blow things out of proportion, worry a lot and have the need to control things around her which at this time take much energy from me.

Tomorrow going to a b-day party for a friend. Looking forward to it! Go out, have some drinks, enjoy some music, dance and just blow some steam off (I hope). Now I'm out for a evening run.

Edit:
As I was leaving the computer I though of an explanation that fits well with how I feel - I have low levels of "social energy". It takes so much out from me. I am not socially incompetent, I have previously had an easy time to socialize with different kind of people, good sense of humor, love to laugh, etc. But right now it's not fully there. But it will

As I am doing a break from subliminals, maybe someone is interested in what I am doing instead, for that person:

• Wim-Hof breathing and cold showers - Every morning
  
• Meditation - Every evening 30 minutes
  
• Trauma releasing exercises - Every day for 15 minutes
  
• Running - Around 3 times a week, 20-40 minutes
  
• Relaxation exercises - Every morning (google kegels and reverse kegels) 4*25
  

[Greenduck]

Had a good night at the birthday party, where I most of the time enjoyed it. I wasn't 100 % as usual, but patience is key they say, anyway I'm just glad I could enjoy it.

I have been musical and liked music before, and I am starting to be able to do it again. To dance with the rytm of the music and feel the music in my body, was great to feel that kind of sensation again, as I have been worrying that it was lost.

I wasn't very drunk, just enough during the night. At the end of the evening I stood beside the dancefloor with people all around me, and just enjoyed listening to the music and being present, which felt great. I felt calm, and at peace and at the same time present, not being conscious of myself in the crowd. I am looking forward to enjoy more of this "state" as I feel that it is what awaiting on the other, healthy side.

Emotionally I am still a bit upset, which make it hard to talk to people who are emotional, and guess who these often are - well girls. As I am growing more calm in myself and releasing store up tension, so is my emotions and my emotional state much more calm and therefore I am not drawn into them as before, more being able to be "myself", in a more harmonious way.

I starting to be able to take deep breaths where I see my chest is moving out, which I believe is a result of having let go of tensions in this area which is correlated to upset emotions.

thums up - New week starting tomorrow!

[Greenduck]

I'm having one of these day where everything feels to hell, like I am shut inside of myself and trying to break out of a shell but I cant, because I am stuck. Like I have hit a dam and I am just hitting it over and over and the water is just piling up behind it and can't get through. Like a ocean that is trying to flow into a thin lake, pushing, pushing, pushing and it just feels like hell. Like everything has not given anything, like I am still stuck at the bottom, worthless, with no ability to concentrate, to access my skills and abilities, like I am just sitting here and not being able to work. Like it's so long until I am recovered.

BUT. I know that is not true. It's a feeling, a state of being which is created because I hit some new layer to heal through. Still, it sucks, it's feels just like I am describing above. Like I am here, but now here. Like "I" am behind a light switch that goes on, and off, on and off, on and off, but not really fully on. It's frustrating. And that is good. Why? Because when it's frustrating, there is something behind that wall, something that want to break out. The frustration is coming from the real me that want to break out. Giving up is never the question, not anymore, now it's just pure frustration and is lingering through my existence. And other people frustrate me, not because of who they are or what they do specifically, but because they make me even more frustrated and aware of my inability to express myself.

Maybe I should just try to express, but I fear something fear of being interrupted, not understood and ridiculed. Because of that other people have a hard time to listen carefully and understand as they often are absorbed inside themselves. I have tried. But it just create more irritation for myself. The best outlet I have is this, writing and letting my thoughts flow out in a way that is unconstrained and not so vulnerable to other peoples judgements, as I am vulnerable to those in real person. Here they can flow as they want, be as they are and not having to be explained and interpreted by someone else, just be what they are for themselves. As they should. Maybe sometimes they need to be clarified, but not always, sometimes they just need to be for themselves, to let the person behind them express them for their own sake.

F*ck me. Really. Sometimes it's just sucks to be me. F*CKING SHIT, HELL. Yes that's how i feel. But I also feel that the dam is slowly dissipating, and with that I'm more able to express myself and find my way back to who I am and just "be", not be stuck inside my head with my thoughts and this constant babbling and worrying. F*ck that. It's not productive in any way. I know my perspectives are skewed but what should I do about it? They get better for every day, but right now they are as they are, and I am as I am and I just need to be able to be that way, not being worried about that I have done something wrong ,that I need to do something for things to be OK, but JUST BE SO LET ME BE FOR F*CK SAKE AND MIND YOUR OWN F*CKING BUSINESS (not adressed to you as a reader but for certain people in my life).

[Greenduck]

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Q9bjbxQW...i=ZefjkAF0

This is how i feel. Kind of

Anyway much better after a shower and some singing in there.

[Greenduck]

My emotions are more stable. I have more control over them. But I am still _emotional_, meaning I live inside my emotions. I'm always in a kind of "turned on" mode, opposite of relaxed. I strive to find a more relaxation in myself, in my present. I feel tension in my belly and in my neck, and I guess these are that stand between me and my recovery.

Things that was very upsetting to me before - people telling me what to do, trying to influence me, are still irritating me but not putting me off balance as much as it did before. It was as if their emotions and opinions overwhelmed me, feeling as I had not power in the situation. So maybe there it is, the lack of personal power that is kind of the problem. Sure it is. I feel weak and with low confidence, which is what is described when the solar plexus chakra is blocked. As it gets unblocked and relaxed, I believe that these issues will fade away and some other way of living take its place.

Anyway I had a pretty enjoyable hang out with some friends today. I felt pretty relaxed, had some jokes, and overall nice atmosphere - something I would never thought was possible just 2-3 months back. I didn't worry all the time, but could be present in the moment, would summarize how it felt.

[Greenduck]

I am reading a book on codependency right now as I felt that the issue have been present in myself but also because I suspected that I lived with someone (my mother) that could have it. It's called "Codependent no more" and so far about 1/5 of the book in I recognize many tendensens that are described in the examples by the author.

Link to the book:
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-Mo...0894864025

When I was at my rock bottom I tried to control other people, and felt as a real victim most of the time, as the world was against me. That is not true, but at that moment I didn't realize it, as it felt as true as anything else. But being in that dark place, I now can recognize when other people are showing the same symptoms that I did, e.g. trying to control other peoples behaviors, being susceptible to other peoples responses to things they say or do, etc. My own case of codependency is slowly dissolving and with it I am taking more responsibility for my own emotions and expect less of the outside world to make me feel in a certain way, for every day I feel more of myself, and feel more like myself. Things are starting to get more genuine and my relationships are improving, because I can now relate to other people and not look at them from inside my own shut-off world, I'm more able to be present in the moment that is happening, rather than try to "fight off" things that felt they were coming for me, being in constant defense-mode. I start find things I enjoy again and I am looking forward to doing things such as sports and cooking. It feels amazing, just writing this make me realize that I have come a long way from where I have been, and my healing journey have gotten to a point where I am myself starting to realize that results are happening and feel there is some momentum going on.

Codependency have also been in my life from my mothers side, who, the more I read the book, realize that she is codependent. What I learned over time, and also is in the book, is that I can't go around be understanding of codependency and try to adapt my behavior to make my mom feel better. It's a never ending "aiding process" to do that, I have to take care of myself and how I feel. I have no responsibility for her emotions and how she feel, however she react, she can be angry, sad, etc. but the only person that can break her feeling of hopelessness or despair will be herself in the end. Maybe it sounds hard, but this is how life should be lived, and should be. We cannot go around comfort each other, and give in to emotionally needy people. We have to take care of ourselves, this is so central and I have never understood it. And it takes time to change this habit of mine to be therefor other people, but I seek inspiration in other people who are emotionally healthy and trust the process, and I know that I will come out on the other side much happier and healthier. Victimization should never be fed.

Addition:

As I am reading about how codependent people can use shame to get what they want, I realized that my mother have been shaming me in taking care of my own emotional needs by telling me that was egoistic and not desirable. At that moment, I surely believed her, and I believe that some of my problems stem from this, as I still am working with overcoming the feeling of shame in my own emotional needs and in feeling pleasure for example. Her reasons for doing this, was that if I started to care for my own needs, I would no longer care for her needs. She often complain about that no one is thinking of her, which the author lay out as one characteristic of codependent people. Damn, this book shed so much light and put so many words on things that I have known but not being able to formulate myself.

[Greenduck]

I have done some crying the latest days, and it felt natural, and good! Like I have long waited to finally get down to these emotions, I have missed them, missed that part of myself that is feeling - maybe something you can call my "emotional self".

I'm feeling better for each day, being able to communicate more with others, feel love for others and starting to feel somewhat peaceful inside. I have to tell you that it is amazing for me, to be able to start doing things again that I previously took so much for granted.

Almost finished "Codependent no more" and I can recommend it to almost anyone, it's like a "emotional handbook" which gave me many good points on how to continue my journey towards further emotional health.