My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Nox]

I more and more realize that I seriously have a big problem with my mom. And I'm not the guy who have problems with people in general, even when I'm feeling like shit.

She are always angry when she get up, slams doors, are needy, when she doesn't get attention she get upset, angry. She is judgemental, loud, feel sorry for herself, act as a victim.

A normal day I get it, she is my mom and you only have one mom. But seriously, man even I have to be able to not always have to look for the best in people all the f*cking time, because this behavior really get on my nerve and ruin my days sometime. A person acting like that need to get their shit together, seriously. F*ck me. I just want to chill and have a good time when I'm home at my parents, not get dragged into her moodiness.

And I hate being this sensitive to all shit. On a normal day this would be "so my mom is really annoying, whatever". This is not me.

You need to Look at the Devouring Mother Archetype. It might help you understand what is happening here.

Thanks, I'll looked into it and it's pretty spot on for the context.

Things said before laid aside, there is one thing that is puzzling me and I can't get to understand it:

My mother acts different towards me. I'm the same person as before (beside that I'm slow in my thinking, but emotionally I'm the same person. I feel the same as usual. But the relationship is different, the best description I can give is that it's "off". Same goes with some other friends, it's just "off", like they see a different person then what they are used to and not sure how to act. And I try to compensate to show them that they don't need to and well..that doesn't work. It's a moment 22-issue.

Hopefully it's pass, but I just think it's weird.

Furthermore, my head feels disconnected from the body. Like my head is one person and my body another. Slowly they are coming together, but it's still some separation going on.

Silence is golden. If silence ensues, which it always does as people begin to notice you've changed, just be silent if they're not actively communicating. Don't think you have to keep conversations going. I'm usually very quiet anymore, and when I speak people listen.

[Greenduck]

I more and more realize that I seriously have a big problem with my mom. And I'm not the guy who have problems with people in general, even when I'm feeling like shit.

She are always angry when she get up, slams doors, are needy, when she doesn't get attention she get upset, angry. She is judgemental, loud, feel sorry for herself, act as a victim.

A normal day I get it, she is my mom and you only have one mom. But seriously, man even I have to be able to not always have to look for the best in people all the f*cking time, because this behavior really get on my nerve and ruin my days sometime. A person acting like that need to get their shit together, seriously. F*ck me. I just want to chill and have a good time when I'm home at my parents, not get dragged into her moodiness.

And I hate being this sensitive to all shit. On a normal day this would be "so my mom is really annoying, whatever". This is not me.

You need to Look at the Devouring Mother Archetype. It might help you understand what is happening here.

Thanks, I'll looked into it and it's pretty spot on for the context.

Things said before laid aside, there is one thing that is puzzling me and I can't get to understand it:

My mother acts different towards me. I'm the same person as before (beside that I'm slow in my thinking, but emotionally I'm the same person. I feel the same as usual. But the relationship is different, the best description I can give is that it's "off". Same goes with some other friends, it's just "off", like they see a different person then what they are used to and not sure how to act. And I try to compensate to show them that they don't need to and well..that doesn't work. It's a moment 22-issue.

Hopefully it's pass, but I just think it's weird.

Furthermore, my head feels disconnected from the body. Like my head is one person and my body another. Slowly they are coming together, but it's still some separation going on.

Silence is golden. If silence ensues, which it always does as people begin to notice you've changed, just be silent if they're not actively communicating. Don't think you have to keep conversations going. I'm usually very quiet anymore, and when I speak people listen.

Yeah well as I have problems with my thinking (so conversations doesn't become so easy) I'm often quiet, but not by choice rather than by circumstances. But it's to bad, silence is boring, and it's hard to exchange information and keeping conversation with it

But I agree, silence is truly golden.

[Greenduck]

Hm. Maybe my mom (and partly my dad) have experienced some kind of crisis with my depression (only child and I think I mean a lot to them) which is why they have changed.

[Greenduck]

Sometimes I just loose faith in that things will become better and that I will get out of the depression. Mainly to get back who I am mentally and emotionally. The fight is always going and I am fighting every day, and I know that I will make it, and that I have taken myself a long way, but still sometimes I just loose hope for a while.

Today was a pretty hard day, but also a good day. Hard in the manner that I fight with the dizziness and cognitive problems (my mind is kind of constantly racing and I need to consciously slow it down) and all the tension in my neck. I went out to take a run when I felt that like I was going crazy and it kind of felt better afterwards.

Good in the way that I walked out my parents house this morning, the sun was shining, the birds chirping and the grass was green and thick. I could feel it, both the warm grass under my feet, but also the feeling inside of something good, of myself.

Yesterday I drew a graph to remind me keep going and understanding that there is a bigger picture even if I don't see it at all times, and to keep doing what is working as it help me move forward.

[Greenduck]

I tried listened a bit to Stress Relief, and it felt awesome for 5 minutes, my body relaxed and liked it but after that the sound of the waves become harsh, my mind become tense and I had to quit listening...

I relax my mind every day (the tension is mainly in the back of the head but also in the neck) just by sitting and trying to relax the parts, "feeling" it and trying to breathe through it. Looking forward to the day when I can do stuff with a relaxed mind, sleep good and not be so damn tense up there all the time, or feel like I am going to die if I hit my plate with my water glass... I can try to explain the feeling:

It's like sounds are cutting into a wound, no just felt, absorbed and noticed in a normal state, but as they are knives able to cut into my head. Much like when you get a thrill in your teeth when eating something cold, a hard or high pitched sound feels in my whole head and kind and goes outside on my whole body, the crayon on chalkboard or fork against plate scraping magnified by optional number.

[kalmah0804]

Hey are you still on E2, or are you taking a break? It's kind of confusing for me to read your journal because it's title suggests that it's an E2 journal but your OP and you first few posts (I think) seem to reflect that you're currently on a total sub-free break. What have you been doing re: subs lately, and how long has that been going on for (Months, Days, Etc)?

[Greenduck]

Hey are you still on E2, or are you taking a break? It's kind of confusing for me to read your journal because it's title suggests that it's an E2 journal but your OP and you first few posts (I think) seem to reflect that you're currently on a total sub-free break. What have you been doing re: subs lately, and how long has that been going on for (Months, Days, Etc)?

Hey there, no subliminal right now, I have had a break for around 3 months with subliminals as I my mind couldn't take the input. Right now I'm just doing regular exercise, daily Yoga and Tai Chi and just focus on getting a bit better every day and getting my mind back on track, recovering from a previous burn-out.

Some good news:
I managed to solve two whole cross-word-puzzles which is great progress (I couldn't even focus on something like reading a book a while back, so this is great).

I have been really tense in my neck and throat, have had problems with talking and my internal dialogue, and I think that those two things have to do with each-other. This morning during my Tai Chi when stretching my neck, my whole body started to jerk together, like I was like a tense string on a bow. Feels like something is starting to release...

I attach a quote by Winston Churchill that have helped me to keep going when things get tough (which they still do at a daily basis), and understand that what is happening is temporary and will pass, just given enough time and effort.

[Greenduck]

I realize that my focus on other peoples emotions have been because I have had a hard time coming down into my own, but slowly I'm getting to know these things called my emotions again. The expression "loosing touch" with yourself really make sense. Now I'm trying to get to know myself again, connecting with those emotions and feeling what is needed to come out. I guess I'm healing emotionally.

Parallel to this I go to acupuncture and do "head relaxation" to heal myself mentally and loosening up mental tension.

And I do Yoga and Tai Chi to heal physically (which should affect both the mental and emotional healing process).

[Greenduck]

Have had great progress with the TRE exercises, it's just been an awesome way to release some deep stress that's been locked up inside my body. Every time I do it, my body starts to shake in different parts and just want to get rid of the tension and afterwards I just feel relaxed. It also led me to start releasing tension in my neck, and afterwards my mind just felt clear and like normal.

Still some healing to be done in my heart area and I think that E2 is still in progress of the healing here. I can feel "something" that is going on in the area, slowly and gently, but still. I have had much stress for a long time and the issue really had to be dealt with in a slow pace as I was so sensitive to anything but I think that it's really working. Also today I could go out for a run and only stop 1 time in a 5k, and just feel present during the whole run, rather than loosing it halfway through and just get dizzy, so that is definitely some progress.

I started to do some meditation a couple days ago and plan to incorporate it in my daily routine which feels as the right thing to do at this time.

PS. For anyone who haven't heard about TRE exercises it's basically a way to put your body into "stress relief-mode" by first doing some exercises to loosen up your muscles, inspired from Yoga and Tai Chi, and then just laying on your back and allowing your body to start shaking (which it does), starting from your pelvis and legs. When it starts it's just going along with it and it feels quiet relaxing and nice even in the moment You know, like the way you start shaking when you are really tired in the legs for example, it's the same thing, but you do it laying on your back. It's really a natural reaction that animals release stress by, but because of that it may seem socially "weird" to shake or to show fear by shaking, we instead "suck it up" and we store that tension inside the body (energy have to go somewhere, right?) and with the exercises you allow your body a safe way to release all that stored up tension.

A video of the method in action (you can see how it looks at around 4:00)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27VgK0LrR3Q

[Greenduck]

I feel more relaxed than before, TRE exercises are doing wonders along with meditation and exercise.

Some weird thing in my family: There have surfaced some kind of power-battle and I don't get where it's coming from. Previously it's been pretty chill, my mom has been as she always has, but now I even feel pushed down (not directly but the feeling) when just sitting and having dinner. Like they are so up into themselves that they can't see me. Weird. Family shouldn't be about proving one self to another, it's should be about trust, and for some reason there is not trust there. It's no a trusting environment at all.

My dad is pretty strong in himself so I don't think that it's getting to him at all, but me at this moment, I don't enjoy it. I think it may be caused by my mother and her issues. I to have issues, but I try to keep them to myself (Well i talk about them from time to time, but I try not to spill it over someone else). But my mom is making all this kind of weird faces when my dad is telling stories, looking bored, and just all this kind of b*llshit things and it's just so weird. Maybe I didn't think about it before, but now when I do it's just so disrespectful. Anyway, weird stuff, but I manage to keep to myself and feel alright through it. One thing I know is that I don't trust my mom. At all.

And all of these things are concerning me WAY more than they should. I feel drawn into the situation, and have a hard time "thinking my way through". It's like i have a hard time to find my own interpretation of things and I am afraid of falling into others perspective.

[Greenduck]

6th of june - A brief positive note, some kind of reflection and a current assessment of my state through the chakra-framework

I have come to a conclusion that I have known, but not been able to put words on.

+ positive note But first some brief note that I went to a concert with a friend today, enjoyed the music and just was there without being worried and able to stay present throughout the whole event, and things just felt normal. And it was some great music to. This is big progress for me.

Back to the reflection: Most people mirror me, meaning they act from watching how i act towards them. Not 100 % of the time when we interact, but some more and some less. Other don't. Right now I would rather have it that they wouldn't mirror me, but hey maybe it'll become something good further along the road.

Anyway I have had problems with relationships with others partly because my mind made me almost crippled and "trapped in myself", but also because I have had problems with feeling what is "me".

The case where I have had low sense of self, and not connected to my "ego" and my "self" and in some times even had hard time to connect with my "mind", interactions with others became problematic for self-explanatory reasons. They lacked something solid, either a person (ego) emotions (self) or thoughts (mind). An interaction require opposites to function, otherwise there is a problem, it need to be something that separate people, that create friction and opposing powers.

What I have lacked is contact with myself - my ego. Therefore relationships became problematic as they was either based on emotional bonds or shared ideas or archetypes, but they lacked stability as I was lacking the stability in myself. Chakra-wise this is a blockage in the solar-plexus chakra which I now am working on resolving with my other problem areas:

Chakra-status

Root [some problems, continuous progress]
Pain under feet, stiff legs, knee problems, have had problems with releasing energy and grounding, have become better with body-work, walks, dancing, etc

Sacral [Have been fully blocked or close to it, continuous progress, almost open]
Pain in lower back, stiffness in back, lack of ability to connect with other

Solar-plexus [Blocked, working on opening]
Low confidence and will-power, let mind rule over will.

Heart [Semi-blocked, continuous progress]
Have had emotional problems that made me "close up" but I'm working on them with exercise and going to a therapist. Also yoga and Tai Chi help here

Throat [Being totally blocked, now opening up]
Working on opening up with Tai Chi and stretches, have had problems with communication, making myself understood, as well as my inner dialog but the tension is loosening up, I had neck-pain which is becoming better, also acupuncture is helping here.

Third-eye [overactive/blocked]
Not sure about this one

Crown [blocked]
Still hard to see bigger picture, have memory problems, sometimes feeling ungrounded and disconnected. Have had some problems with mild obsessive thoughts.

[Daredevil]

For Me its


Root [some problems, continuous progress]
Have Hip Problems and Lack of Mobility, Fat gain due to wanting to "protect myself during a time of going in" (i.e look at the fat bhudda). Dont feel the right to stand my ground. Am easily push around.

Sacral [blocked]
I am to indulgent in pleasures to numb my pain and i think about sex.... alot.

Solar-plexus [Blocked]
Low confidence and will-power, let mind rule over will. Dont have ability to assert myself. Afraid of my inner power.

Heart [blocked]
It is hard to open up to people and be vulnerable to others

Throat [Being totally blocked, now opening up]
I am afraid to speak up for myself and speak my truth. I have massive Jaw and facial tightness in this area.

Third-eye [overactive]
All thought no action

Crown [blocked]
Am able to see the full picture but am not grounded in earth.

I have been running E2 for 460 days with 571 days left and although i have gotten rid of many surface fears and old things in my life. Alot of old habits are still there that cause self-sabotage.

[Greenduck]

For Me its:

I can give you some examples of things that have helped me with each chakra. My general advise is Tai Chi, have done much for finding ways to stretch out my body, and find ways to open up my inner "being" with breathing and movements. Healing must come from within, and your breath is a great tool for that, but sometimes the breath need some assistance in "unlocking yourself" where Tai Chi is a great tool for using your body in healing. There is an app in Appstore with instructions for fundamental Tai Chi movements.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/tai-chi-...32694?mt=8

Root: Exercises that make your feet muscles softer. Like rotating your wrists, standing on your toes, stretching, etc.
Sacral: TRE-exercises (wrote about it earlier in the journal). Hip-rotation. Hip-streches. Child-pose in yoga with deep breathing.
Solar plexus: "belly-breating" - i.e. pushing your abdominal muscles in and out and doing kind of a belly-dancing movement. Loosen up muscles in your abdomen.
Heart chakra: Talking to a therapist, meditation where you focus your attention on your breath in the chest
Throat chakra - Gentle stretches, just stand and bend slightly backwards and feel your throat stretch (gently!) and just breathe as your body is telling you.
Third eye - I believe it become balanced from balancing the other chakras
Crown - Same as third eye

I have had my third visit at my therapist and had some great progress. Really felt that I could share myself with her and my ability to trust her grows for every time. She mentioned that there had been great progress even from our first meeting and noticed that I was carrying a different energy with me, which I also felt.

My Tai Chi practice move forward, I have had some larger muscular releases where I feel as a muscle in my abdomen and in my chest are loosening up and I kind of feel...not nauseous but something close to it when it happens and then relieved afterwards. I feel that my breathing is not so much contracted anymore but my chest is moving more freely.

[Daredevil]

Yeah you should start back E2 again. I know it's tough but the more you wait the more time your stuck with your trauma.

TRE deals with all the Chakras and if you release trauma with it it releases it all across the body.

Tai Chi takes way to long to master, sorry not interested. Actually it takes lifetimes to have a emotional clearing effect. And most people don't follow the prerequisites which is martial arts training and long periods of meditation which was done to better control their energy.