WildFlower's 2011 Alpha Male Journal

[K-Train]

I've been noticing the same thing lately Wildflower. I did think that maybe it was just the ZMA complex I was taking but looking back it started before I even began taking them. I also don't feel any desperation or anything like that. This is different from in the past where thinking about women would get me downcast (because I had no GF) but now I just feel attracted towards them but at the same time enjoy being single.

I'm sure you've probably had "chances" to get involved with some of these women, but do you think that it's your standards that keep you from pursuing or the simple fact that you enjoy being single that allows you to simple let things fall as they may?

[Shannon]

For me it's both. My standards currently have me at friends with one pursuer (at least, thats my understanding of it; she wants more) and I am enjoying being single enough that I'm not trying very hard right now to find a woman. Although... that may change when I am fully finished healing. But AM2011 has had some really awesome effects on me, and I am very pleased with how it came out.

[WildFlower]

Yes, there is desire but at the same time zero desperation. Prior to stage 3 I wasn't really feeling the same desire I'm feeling now. Yeah, I'm heterosexual and virile but women weren't top of my priorities and nor did the occupy my thoughts much. Whether this surge of desire has simply coincided with stage 3, or whether it has been caused by stage 3 I don't know. Because of how laid back, and non-desperate I'm feeling - whilst simultaneously feeling very red blooded - I'm willing to bet that it is actually caused by stage 3.

I'm less inclined to take all the chances that come my way Simply because there's a surplus. I do have very high standards but this is more a case of letting the chips fall where they fall. That's not to say I'm not taking advantage of what comes my way, because I am a lot of the time; although, admittedly I'm probably going to use 'seek the challenge' at some point in the future once I'm done with Alpha Male to overcome any fear, embarrassment or plain old procrastination that may be holding me back. Having said that, I have a feeling I'll at the very least have a few new friends with benefits in the next couple of months. I can tell Alpha Male is having that effect on me.

[WildFlower]

I've bought a new computer, which I've been setting up, so I've not been on here much. I'm drawing to the end of Stage 3 - just a couple more days to go now. All is well. I've mellowed since some of my earlier posts on Stage 3; or rather I've learnt to contain the irritation I would get at other people. I still get that irritation but I keep it internal; at the time it felt involuntary, very powerful and beyond my control and I would always express these irritations. I've now got them under-control and utilise them in a more powerful way.

It's good Friday - a national bank holiday - the sun is out, it's 25 Degrees Centigrade. The whole country seems to be in party mode. Everyone is bright and happy, and it seems when your in this frame of mind everything happens effortlessly and you can't put a foot wrong. There's really gaiety in my heart and I'm going to go out and spread it. I'm looking forward to Stage 4.

[WildFlower]

I'm on Stage 4 now but it's way to early to make any remarks about how Stage 4 is affecting me. Stage 3 gave me a temper towards other peoples crap and gave me the boldness to express it.

My head was a bit scattery yesterday, my train of thought and threads would jump from one thing to another somewhat incoherently. Consequently I wasn't getting any joy from conversations or socialising. A few of my cousins came round and after several hours of forced socialising I was more in the swing of things. I couldn't conceive of having in-depth conversations but I'd picked myself up enough for lighter, small talk. Still I didn't feel much like going out, but another, deeper, part of me forced myself to do so; I'm thinking that this may have been the affect of the subliminal. Anyway I went out, and although I felt masculine and confident - as I always do - I didn't feel sexually desirable, as I so often usually do. I wasn't having self-doubting thoughts like "what do I have to offer?" etc. none of that. It was just a more dull, background 'atmosphere' that I was aware of. I think this so often happens when I become more of a realist towards a particular aspect of myself, which forces an epiphany and the motivation to take a giant leap forwards.

I don't know what could have brought this on. I'm aware that Stage 3 has really drawn me towards my natural tendency to be introverted (using the Jungian definition) to enjoy my own time, my own thoughts, reading, solitude, Yoga, meditation; and be far less concerned with extroverted activities. Even the enjoyment I found spending time with others took on a more low key nature. I went camping last weekend with a few close friends, and I found it much more enjoyable and rewarding than being in the bars and clubs with hundreds of other people. Stage 3 was about the low key me. Usually my return to more extroverted activities is met with a disparity between 'my own little world' and the real world; I usually have a minor crisis about "how could I have been so wrong about myself for so long?" and then I close the gap. It feels like waking up one morning as a realist, and all self-denial has vanished; which isn't necessarily comforting because the self-denial has been hiding and suppressing the truth about ourselves which is so plain for all others to see. We have essentially fallen into a rut on the basis of the false belief; but because we've lived unaware that the belief was false we already know what it feels like to be what it is we already thought we were and so, luckily, it's easy to make amends and usually pretty effortless once it's brought to our attention. I think this is a necessarily cycle of using the Alpha set and self-denial a crucial component of it - at least for me, anyway. We start of at A; the sub tells up we're at B; we start to believe we're at B when really we've only just left A; we continue to believe we're at B; we abruptly realise we aren't at B; we start to despair that we're not at B; we look around in a panic see B not so far in the distance, and take a leap to reach it; we reach B and the journey's complete. We got from A to B as intended and it wouldn't have been possible without self-denial.

Man I'm waffling, but like I said, Stage 3 has intensified my self reflection. For all I know none of this has anything to do with the dull feeling I wasn't all that desirable and I just had a off kilter day. After all I still spent a lot of last night making out with this really cute, curly haired blonde girl. However, I'm aware I've been self-absorbed recently and this certainly won't have added to my desirability - so time to change it. I remember why I referred to this set with a cocoon-butterfly metaphor last time. I've grown a lot in the past 3 months, and my attention has been focused inwards; internally. I now feel like I want to express myself more outwards; externally. I feel I want to make some new friends, see some new places, try some new things. Outward, extroverted focus. This is a tricky balancing act for me - I think morose for me than some others - I think it's an INFJ thing. I won't be compromising any of the introverted activities I mentioned earlier but the butterfly is definitely spreading his wings.

I should note that none of this necessarily coincides with anything in the sub. It occurred to me the other day that 5 of my school friends are now living in Australia on long, semi-vacation style trips.They didn't go together; they're there on separate, non-related, non-influenced trips. I also saw the other day that my ex-girlfriend of a few years ago recently set of travelling, leaving this note behind for us all "Aprill 2011 i set off on my new adventure and left my home town and never looked back. The people and the places i have seen are amazing, im chuffed to be able to say im finally living my dream " We split up as friends, because her Mum and Dad split up, she got depressed and ended up on medication for it. It's really good to see how she's improved her situation and things are going well for her. These antidotes of other people making the most of themselves has arose in me this desire, I think, to get more involved in extroverted activities. There is zero jealously in that desire though, and that is one thing I can attribute to the sub.

I'm not sure how other's will take this message. reading it back it could be interoperated as somewhat negative, but I've seen a lot of improvements from the sub recently and things feel on the up.

[Ryan]

Sounds like you are taking stage 4 just like me... Honestly, I've been wanting so much alone time the past month and a half and the whole clubbing scene just really wasn't my thing lately. But I feel a lot of that coming back now that I am finishing stage 4. The one thing I also noticed was that it was harder for me to talk to others. It wasn't that I was in my head thinking of what to say or being shy. It was that I have been really aloof, indifferent, and just not really caring that I'm so numb or zoned out that I really can't think of anything to say. It's strange but it's fixing itself as of lately, thank god. Especially, when it comes to women. I had many awkward dates in stage 4 where I was so tongued tied, not out of nervousness, that there were moments of awkward silence. Plus the whole... not feeling so sexually desirable has been getting me a lot this month too. I believe the harder moments have been as of lately, finishing the month, seems to be bringing out of a lot of crap.

[WildFlower]

Stage 4 is making me a straight talker in any situation. Honest and direct.

[WildFlower]

Hello my Regal friends. Two four-day weekends within Three days of each other. God save the Queen.

One minute I'll be feeling top of the world, the next I'll be somewhat moody or negative about myself and things. The early few days in Stage 4 have brought about some turbulence. It's easy enough to snap out of and return to top of the world again, using a rational, Ayn Rand sort of perspective on things. That is what Stage 4 seems to be doing so far; giving me an objective, non-emotional way of looking at things. Myself a subject, and my emotions as an object, separate from myself. I'm far more in control of how my emotions effect me; although my emotions may currently be fluctuating. I hope things settle down a bit soon, but it's no biggy.

Got approached by a Woman the other day - a 30 ear old, school teacher nonetheless - who was poking me in the abs, giving me continuous compliments, and blatantly attracted to me.

[Spiral]

Oh man what did you do with her? EDIT: You can disregard the question because it is somewhat inappropriate lol

[RainbowAbyss]

Wilderflower,
I love your post on the Alpha cycle, you are truly an introspective genius.
I have noticed something very similar, but I also notice that with each stage the cycle occurs quicker and quicker, until the frequency gets so fast it is becomes untraceable lol.
How is your ability to approach women on the '11 Alpha set?
oh...happy royal wedding in your country BTW

[Spiral]

lol Rainbow

[WildFlower]

For the past 2 nights - 3 days - I've been camping in the lake-district without my Ipod re-charger. All in all I missed about one nights exposure to the sub which I'll add on at the end of this Stage.

I've consciously realised that I want to become more practically minded and hands-on. This actually first occurred to me whilst I was pitching up tent, I got some vague thought like "in a few minutes I'll be able to get a hand putting this thing up", then I thought "sod that!" got down on my knees and put the thing up myself. I didn't need help nor want it, I didn't want to have anyone to turn to if things went wrong, I just wanted to get the thing done on my own no matter what the struggle. This may seem really trivial but I meditated on what was going on in my mind - knowing that it was quite significant psychologically - and realised I need to start putting my neck on the line and do things I may fail at. I need to push my own level of competence and not seek help or the easy way out. I saw the first effects of this at work today where I was taking far more responsibility for decisions made in my department.

A few people recently have commented on how quiet I am. This is true. I've definitely become far more introspective and inward focused recently. This is simply my natural disposition accentuated, but I'm also making the effort to get out and be more extroverted, which I'm doing, but I'm not feeling much desire to make small talk. A lot of people mistake not saying much for shyness but that really isn't the case here, I'm just not feeling the need to talk all that much. I feel very self absorbed but also with the realisation I need to become less self absorbed.

Feeling very in touch with my emotions. I realised how much I love and appreciate my parents, brothers, sister, dog, friends, affluence in my life, etc. I actually welled up at one point yesterday - felt a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, for all the good things I have in my life and haven't been actively, or consciously, fully appreciating. I also became conscious of anything I felt lacking, and very motivated to achieve those things.

I became conscious of how often I fantasise or day dream about the things I want, and how this has been offering me a false sense of comfort, as well as actively acting as a barrier between what I want and achieving those things.

Lots of big wake up calls. This is what Stage 4 seems to be about for me. I mentioned it in my last post also - Stage 4 is making me a realist. For better for worse, a realist. I feel I've improved so much these past few weeks (or at least become conscious of the areas I need to work on) but at the same time I feel further away from where I want to be now than I did at the beginning of Stage 1. This is because where I want to be has become a moving goal post. To quote Einstein: "As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it."

[Spiral]

Sounds great man! I can't wait to run through the new alpha set after sex magnet.

[Ryan]

For the past 2 nights - 3 days - I've been camping in the lake-district without my Ipod re-charger. All in all I missed about one nights exposure to the sub which I'll add on at the end of this Stage.

I've consciously realised that I want to become more practically minded and hands-on. This actually first occurred to me whilst I was pitching up tent, I got some vague thought like "in a few minutes I'll be able to get a hand putting this thing up", then I thought "sod that!" got down on my knees and put the thing up myself. I didn't need help nor want it, I didn't want to have anyone to turn to if things went wrong, I just wanted to get the thing done on my own no matter what the struggle. This may seem really trivial but I meditated on what was going on in my mind - knowing that it was quite significant psychologically - and realised I need to start putting my neck on the line and do things I may fail at. I need to push my own level of competence and not seek help or the easy way out. I saw the first effects of this at work today where I was taking far more responsibility for decisions made in my department.

A few people recently have commented on how quiet I am. This is true. I've definitely become far more introspective and inward focused recently. This is simply my natural disposition accentuated, but I'm also making the effort to get out and be more extroverted, which I'm doing, but I'm not feeling much desire to make small talk. A lot of people mistake not saying much for shyness but that really isn't the case here, I'm just not feeling the need to talk all that much. I feel very self absorbed but also with the realisation I need to become less self absorbed.

Feeling very in touch with my emotions. I realised how much I love and appreciate my parents, brothers, sister, dog, friends, affluence in my life, etc. I actually welled up at one point yesterday - felt a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, for all the good things I have in my life and haven't been actively, or consciously, fully appreciating. I also became conscious of anything I felt lacking, and very motivated to achieve those things.

I became conscious of how often I fantasise or day dream about the things I want, and how this has been offering me a false sense of comfort, as well as actively acting as a barrier between what I want and achieving those things.

Lots of big wake up calls. This is what Stage 4 seems to be about for me. I mentioned it in my last post also - Stage 4 is making me a realist. For better for worse, a realist. I feel I've improved so much these past few weeks (or at least become conscious of the areas I need to work on) but at the same time I feel further away from where I want to be now than I did at the beginning of Stage 1. This is because where I want to be has become a moving goal post. To quote Einstein: "As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it."

You continue to have the same effects as me throughout this new set... It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one experiencing these things, especially because the past month and a half, due to resistance I would assume, had me questioning this set. But yeah, it's no fun when you get a preview of being this social, fun, life of the party type of guy and then it's yanked out from under you! Lol but I'm excited to see that side again soon.

Ryan