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+--- Thread: LTU/AM6 - third time's a charm (/Thread-LTU-AM6-third-time-s-a-charm)
LTU/AM6 - third time's a charm - Darwinn - 10-15-2015
Persisting in my endeavors to become a more integrated whole human. Having gone through two (though i'd only really count one) AM6 Runs and Base, i found that there is a core resistant negativity buried somewhere inside. some kind of self aversion which prevents me from accessing success, or makes me deny it to myself.
so I'm on the LTU again. and will be on it until i've resolved on treating myself well and doing things to benefit myself rather than 'fix' myself. I do think the difference between the two is a key one. My theory is that if you start on any self development with the premise of 'Something is wrong with me' rather than 'I want to be better for me', you end up hammering in the 'something is wrong/I a wrong' as a foundation upon which you try to build other belief. It's a shaky foundation, upon which other beliefs collapse.
That's not to say i haven't had some success. externalss like girls, promotion etc. have come about, but i regress at the drop of a hat to self loathing and self sabotage at any sign of trouble.
BASE just didn't do the trick for me at all. I have a business and it's slowly coming about but i kind of loast faith in it to a point. one thing that did seem to happen in base was chance meetings, i mean i'd end up bumping into people from my past, half way around the world in some random bar (and this happened a few times!). i don't know if that was because of base or what.
I've become slightly less enamoured with this forum, and have posted less because there seems to be an underlying competition. Some douche said it to sarge in saying he was in the special needs class in terms of development - and i thought, you know what, that's the problem with this forum, f this.
Yet i still come back precisely to see the one or two who take serious action, and remember how posting here often helped me organise my thoughts and occasionally get good feedback, so i'll have another go at this.
SO
LTU!
It's been about 3 weeks. I've been less self defeating, expected, less self critical, expected, and generally more positive.
I'm facing an issue at work, where i grossly underperformed at something critical and now senior management really have it in for me. What's more, i'm just tired all the time and can't focus, even though i have a higher paid job now, i'm so unmotivated.
I figure this has a lot to do with neglection of my body. I hhave put on a mass of weight, geenuinely becoming a 'fat guy' again, and not just out of shape. I've been smoking, drinking, and not sleeping well - so it's natural i guess.
I signed up to a gym again. I can't keep spending money on a trainer so i joined a gym with boxing and fight conditioning classes in order to whip myself back into shape.
I've decided also to buy my own place and not live with my parents anymore. I need space, even though i also feel an obligation to look after my parents.
Socially, well i don't know. I suppose i'm getting out there, but i don't care all that much. am seeing someone and it's potentially getting serious so my need to meet people has gone down, i much prefer recharging with one on one company or on my own.
Business wise, i burnt out. trying to do a business, look after other financial interests, do a job and look after people was too much. it wasnt even the volume, it was just not being able to get anywhere properly with anything. there is something quite exhausting about having a mnillionn unfinished projects at a given time.
So now i'm monoevering to reduce my work hours, or at least reduce the number of days i work - if i can get a day off a week to purely focus on business that will mean the world.
There it is. Goals are simple.
Process
Gym - 2-3 classes a week (muay thai and conditioning)
Sleep by 11 pm every day with no mobile after 9pm.
Get more investment for my product
Devote half-an hour a day to just writing and organising my thoughts.
Devote half an hour to reasoning/logic improvement
Breakfast every morning.
Devote two hours on a sunday to writing and thinking about the week and tasks ahead.
Deliverables
Business launch by end of the year
- get regular mentorship
- recruited another member to team who can code well
- re incorporate business, and get familiar with accounts preparation/submissions for buisiness
- get business plan together, get more investment
- Finalise product.
Job
Expert on role and delivery at work
- improve concentration and reasoning with above (hour devoted to writing and clearing my thoughts with two hours on a sunday)
- Set out plan, get clear on the rigght psychological traits for working/grinding are adn emulate through mentors
I want to develop happiness goals as well. i'm bored of grinding to acheive and want to do things which provide me with actual joy - otherwise what the f is the point. this is a new concept to me though, and i've only ever really rarely been in a state where i could 'enjoy' something. a few ideas come to mind
martial arts and sparring - really brings me into the moment
Learining a craft/art form, i love acting, improv, but also like the idea of being able to create with my hands...pottery springs to mind
I love learning and teaching more than anything. so getting into a yoga teacher training would be almost ideal, the tricky part would be to make sure it stays fun rather than just overloading myself with gruesome obligation, which makes daily living taste like sawdust.
RE: LTU/AM6 - third time's a charm - RTBoss - 11-21-2015
Hey man, any updates? Have you figured out that negativity within?