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Ben123's AM6 journal - ben123456305 - 10-10-2015
Instead of misleading people with my other thread I decided to create another journal for AM6
For this journal, I wanted to do something new and I want to write it as if I was talking to one of my closes buddies(or as much as the forum rules allow me and without dropping names)"
Stage 2 day 4 10/11/15
Alright positive things:
-I wanted to start a you tube channel for gaming and other things but the required computer parts are not delivered yet so I can't even assemble the machine and start.
-I am starting to get into fixing my physical appearance. Trying out the style of clothing that I was afraid of wearing in High School because the fear of over dressing.
The Grey Area:
-I was scrolling through facebook and I came across a photo of a female friend of mine. She was wearing some tight form fitting clothing and I thought "She super attractive" and then a thought forces its way up: "I would f**** her brains out given the chance". A part of me starts shaming me about it "you savage barbarian you just love her body. Why are you objectifying women huh?".
-Once every red moon, I would get a tinder match that isn't a bot and is much older my age. I admit that I don't know how to start and get the ball rolling.
The Bad:
-I have a negative self image and self talk (meaning bad self esteem?). It has been really bad because of it. I started reading self help books but the bad phrases are haunting me instead of the good ones!( Ironic I know).
-My mother is partly to blame. She loves to just call me useless for the longest time and compares me to the highest achieving MF in the family( no hard feelings to the family member). She doesn't know it but words do hurt, well only just for now hopefully.
- I always had the urge to find new friends to escape the current friends that I have now. The females I need to do away with because of the huge amount of percieved disrespect that I am getting. I used to look pasted it or something (I don't remember) but now it brings out an emotion of annoyance and the thought of cutting them off. Thursday I greeted them and then they promptly ignored me and not even greet me. I asked about what they were talking about and got ignored. The feeling of being annoyed was there so I left and did my own thing.
Feedback and suggestions are greatly appropriated.