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Anger Management - Ruffian - 01-01-2014
Anger Management Day 84
My run with Anger Management started out simply enough. I set up the mp3 player with speakers in my bedroom to run Anger Management, and it has been looping the ultrasonic track 24/7 ever since. My listening during the day on earbuds has varied from an hour a day to up to six or seven hours (with a few exceptions.)
The first week or so was pretty quiet. Dreaming increased, but other than that, I noticed nothing particularly remarkable.
Sometime around the second week, I noticed my internal friction increasing. Initially manifesting as annoyance, impatience, and irritation, the intensity increased over time. One morning I was having breakfast with a couple of friends, and I felt so intolerant and hypercritical that I had to keep close watch to avoid saying something that I would regret later. And these are people I like! At work, an increasingly chaotic internal vibration made it extremely difficult to be around people, much less interact with them. There was one incident where I really got into it with a coworker. Outwardly, it probably looked like a mild-to-medium level confrontation with some tense words and insinuations. Inwardly, I was ready to take a swing at this person. My part in this whole affair was way past the boundaries installed during my upbringing, including the “we don't talk about these things” boundary and the “suppress all outer manifestations of anger” boundary. I was in such an angry state that when I got home from work I ran the PSTEC click track on the incident. While I started the track tapping along with my fingers, I was soon pounding along with my fists. Ouch. And about mid-click track, the subject changed suddenly from “that stupid, lazy #@*! to “I don't want to be here!” Which I take as being totally ****** off that I had to incarnate, to take the earthly tour. Interesting.
The intensity became so overwhelming for me during this period that there were a handful of times over several weeks that, while I still listened to the ultrasonics at night, I didn't listen at all during the day. I must say that OGSF was a piece of cake compared to this.
Around this time I noticed a certain measure of continuity in my dreams. I had two “mini-series” of dreams, each of which lasted for three nights, and each of which was about a (different) person from my past. I don't remember much about the specific content of the dreams, but it seems my subconscious was working something out.
On day 27 I woke up with a sense of sadness and depression, Which is surprising, in that the rest of the day was a welcome change from the intensity of the previous days. I felt remarkably calm and non-reactive. I was energetic- energy of a much different quality than the chaotic energetic maelstrom I had been experiencing. For some reason I began thinking about forgiveness. It seemed to me that forgiveness isn't just parceled out to this person, or that situation, or only to myself. When the emotional dross is cleared away, a forgiveness can arise which encompasses all, and is a natural attribute of higher-level human functioning.
Well, states come and go, and I was soon back in the emotional soup. On day 30 I found myself spontaneously belting out snippets of favorite songs. My take on this was that I instinctively did this to help break up crystallized emotional patterns.
Day 34, fear comes to the party. For two or three days, fear was such a significant part of my emotional mix that I decided to add the OGSF ultrasonic alternating with Anger Management to play on the setup in my bedroom. So both Anger Management and OGSF have been playing 24/7 in my bedroom from day 34 on (daytime use was still exclusively Anger Management.) I feel that my fear and anger are connected, and I was hoping that playing them in this manner would get my subconscious working on this connection.
Day 41, as I was walking into work, I found myself seeing things through new eyes. Everything looked vibrant and fresh. My habitual associations were so muted, that I forgot to clock in at work! I also noticed the altered time effect: it was as if there were no time, only now. This seems to fit with the theory that time is relative to the flow of associations. Like how, when you are sitting at a traffic light, or waiting for a friend to meet you, your associative thinking makes even a few minutes seem like forever. But when you are doing something that interests you, and your attention is deeply engaged, time passes in the blink of an eye.
A couple of days later, I had a similar experience. Once again at work, I was walking past a row of bushes that I have walked past hundreds of times before. This time, however, my experience of the bushes was incredibly vivid. Their color was deep and rich. It was as if I could feel the color inside myself. I could almost sense the “being “ of the bushes, sense the life in them. The contrast of this state compared to my ordinary states was extreme. How limited my usual states are, how lacking in feeling and sensitivity. Not in any sense of sentimental emotionality, but in the sense of the natural capacities of higher functioning proper to a human being.
Day 45, back into the emotional soup. I had a two-part dream. In the first dream, I was driving on a forty-lane highway. Huge ribbons of road and ramps were arching off in all crazy directions. I wasn't sure which way to go, but I followed one ramp, and quickly and directly ended up at a little wooden house. In my dream, I knew there was healing inside.
The next night, my dream took me back to this little house. There was an Asian man inside, I took him to be a healer. The words daikon and kombu popped into my dreaming brain. It took me a couple of weeks to act on this, but I have cleaned up my diet considerably. I'm feeling better, and the candy, cookies, and donuts that proliferate around the holiday season have scarcely been a temptation for this sugar addict. Apparently, if I am going to “detox” from negative emotions, I need to detox physically and mentally also, to support this change.
Day 53, I was awakened by an extremely loud sound. After a few moments of consternation, I surmised that the sound had originated inside my head. (I later confirmed with my roommate that there had been no loud noises either in the house, or outside.)
Day 55, “back and forth” say my notes. I noticed the beginning of an internal oscillation between my old reactive self, and the awakening of a new impartiality.
Day 61, my notes say “fear, anger, depression,” so back in the old patterns. It was around this time that I began pondering the nature of my depression. Depression runs in my family on my father's side. My grandfather was treated with electroshock therapy, and both of my siblings, at one time or another, used antidepressants. I opted for self-medicating, and periodic eruptions of rage, generally within the isolation of my vehicle. I began to question how much this depression was a result of some biological imbalance, and how much was, in reality, a learned behavior. It seems likely to me that babies and young children pick up so much on a non-verbal level, that it is entirely possible to be “trained” to be depressed. My father manifested low-energy states, and emotional suppression, but his clenched jaw and tense words belied the anger behind the depression.
So what's a little kid supposed to do? On one hand, the role model conveys “stuff it down, don't talk about feelings, everything's OK, act like me.” On the other hand, even though I don't recall any yelling or overt acts of anger, the role model also conveys “this is not right, I'm not happy, I don't like this, you'd better do it like I do.” It finally occurred to me that anger is about control issues, i.e. if I have to follow these “rules,” then so does everybody else. And let's not forget the fear of consequences if the “rules” are not followed.
Anger is a very expensive emotion. You can deal with it with occasional outbursts of blind rage, or by continually repressing the emotion. The first way is an immediate dump of emotional energy, the second way is a continual slow leak of the energy that is required to keep anger stuffed down. Either way results in massive amounts of wasted energy. I'll take door number three, please.
Day 71, my notes say “subtle.” I'm not sure I can articulate what I meant by this. I seemed to be at the nexus of multiple realities: my own subjective reality, the individual subjective realities of others, the consensus reality of the society in which I live, and the reality that allows for this perception of different realities. As my notes said, it was very subtle. I could feel the pull of this consensus reality that seems to permeate all. It seemed to me that, to some degree, you can change your personal reality, yet still be subject to this consensus reality, the grand illusion, social hypnosis. But I believe you can also become free from this reality. Outwardly, you play your roles, and seem no different from anyone else. Inwardly, you are 'in this reality, but not of it.'
This experience also gave me a new view of resistance. I am resisting, or denying, all the time. My associative thinking literally directs and controls all my perceptions. (I am not totally dissing the associative function here, without it we'd all still be putting our hands on hot stoves.) The least bit of sensory data causes the big picture to be filled in with associations from my past. Conversely, where there are no associations, I often do not see what is right in front of me. Also, those areas of tension in my body, and habitual postures, tend to hold my “reality” in place. So when I listen to the subliminals , or encounter someone or something that contradicts this reality, what I experience is not resistance, but the friction of something outside my personal reality coming into contact with the resistance that is already there. On the plus side, this friction is needed to ignite the fire of transformation.
After this more direct experience of consensus reality, I began to value my time away from “society” even more. I started spending more time in my vegetable garden, now lush and vibrant with life, frequently picking a mess 'o greens for dinner. I like to peer into the large rainwater bucket, and watch the tadpoles living there developing into frogs. And of course, the dogs are always willing to demonstrate how to relax and be happy. Nature and animal therapy.
In the weeks around the holidays, I found I was no longer so compelled to make people “act right.” I attended a couple of small holiday gatherings, where I was quite relaxed, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. In conversations, I was particularly sensitive to anyone who had the undercurrent of anger/control going on.
So, I know I am not done yet. My dreaming is still pretty active. I know the demand is greater for me to be vigilant, and to be quick. Negative emotional responses are so fast that, while it is possible to be present at the place where an incoming impression triggers a reaction, it seems much more expedient to let the subliminal remove the cause. I'm intending to move on to Emotional Healing and Pain Relief when it becomes available.
RE: Anger Management - Shannon - 01-01-2014
The primary instruction in anger management is to disconnect from and let go of anger in safe ways. I think it needs to be updated, but I have to say, your journey is the most tumultuous of any I have ever head of while using that program.