+- Subliminal Talk (https://subliminal-talk.com)
+-- Forum: Men's Journals (18+ NSFW) (https://subliminal-talk.com/Forum-Men-s-Journals-18-NSFW)
+--- Forum: Men's Journals (https://subliminal-talk.com/Forum-Men-s-Journals)
+--- Thread: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 (/Thread-I-m-a-peacock-you-gotta-let-me-fly-Maverick-Journal-2023)
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - AmpersndThe2nd - 04-03-2023
Day 31,
Noticing an up-swelling of emotions that I've previously considered as "irrational" and frivolous.
The main thing I'm noticing is that I'm feeling mild amounts of jealousy and the desire to protect in a romantic sense.
I've also gone through the thought experiment of someone insulting my mother or hypothetical girlfriend while they were in my presence; normally, I'd diffuse it with some kind of boundary. Now, I'd want to 'shut them down'.
I mentioned that I moved a girlfriend to a new place; she claims that the host family's husband became aggressive and threatening. Even though I'm not deeply involved with her, and that I was annoyed with her lack of preparation, I noticed that I felt the desire to make her move as painless as possible, including the feeling that I would clock the husband if he came around the house while we were moving and tried something.
Also, with the Dominican woman, I'm noticing a feeling of mate guarding. Previously, with other partners, I can say that I truly didn't care if they were with other partners (as I didn't want anything exclusive or serious), but I feel a desire to 'lock her down'. More seriously, I should strive for a second very attractive woman to not have my decisions guided by scarcity. Or maybe my priorities are way off, and I should try out something that I think touches on deeper feelings. Or maybe I'm just thinking with my dick.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - AmpersndThe2nd - 04-05-2023
Day 33,
A growing feeling of dread, like I'm careening towards the abyss, and my only option (and distraction) is to hit the gas towards my self-stated goals.
At the same time, I ask myself, in the most profound sense: "What do I want?"
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-09-2023
Day 37,
I don't believe it. I'm back, as Ampersnd. Was able to log in with my credentials.
I'm currently on a personal laptop that I don't typically use, so as long as I can apply this to my personal desktop, then I'm back in business.
Things are... changing. A friend that I meet every time I come to see my family has nudged me in a given direction, and I'm willing to follow. Can't elaborate without breaking the rule, but it isn't dogmatic, but more mystic and personal.
I feel like I'm tapping into something profound; I would attribute this to things that I've worked on since starting Maverick, but - of course - Maverick would have something to do with either my discovering of it, or my committing to it.
I've taken an interest in Leonardo Da Vinci's life, his philosophy and work process. Might read a book about it.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-10-2023
Day 38,
Back home and I can log in with Ampersnd again. Glad that this previous login issue has been handled.
Suggestion for the forum's developer: if the login attempt provides a 500 error code, then maybe redirect to a more specific webpage that explains what went wrong. I think it's a literal login issue, but I was getting a whole page with a 500 error code.
Might be adding to this note a bit.
Noticing that the arguments from the manosphere have been creating dread and discomfort; it's like my psyche is intolerant to that shit. It feels like a lot of it leads to punishing the women that you choose to interact with (not the ones that you reject romantically). It's also framing itself as un-disprovable, as they can only be proven right down the road and shit hits the fan.
MORE ADDED IN AM OF DAY 39,
Had a weekend away to see family for Easter.
Have been tired the last few days, in spite of above average sleep, and in spite of caffeine consumption. Slept in a different bed.
Experiencing a dissatisfaction, and at the same time, have moments where my feel like my heart is overflowing and bursting with love and joy.
At times, I feel the same intensity of sexual desire as I did in my early 20s; have to let off some of that steam or I would never get rest again.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-14-2023
Day 42,
Don't know if this is Maverick acting on something inside me, but I'm strongly considering steering towards a more serious thing with the Dominican woman. She were together again yesterday and it ended very well for her >
She isn't exactly prodding about anything relationship-related, which is fine if that's the case. She does want me to see her niece when her sister-in-law comes to town.
Don't know what it is about her, but I feel something a bit deeper. Done something that I've never done before; opened up a OneNote sheet about her to keep track of details she tells me, just so that I won't be lazy or sloppy.
I've had an increase in sex drive, but for some reason, I'm feeling a disconnection in my attraction towards the gym girls.
Noticing that a number of them are in the general area where I'm exercising, and have moved to where I move, or set up at a nearby station. But I don't have the desire to do anything about it.
Am also finding that I'm functioning fine on less sleep. Usually, 7.5 is my sweet spot for optimal performance, and 7 is pretty good. I'm at 6.75 per day, and did 5.75 h yesterday with no issues.
Work is really clicking; I feel like I'm truly "getting" interaction of all of my coding languages and technologies. The AI course I'm taking about convolutions is pretty close to completion. After which there will be unsupervised, advanced NLP, and BERTs/Transformers (think GPT4). After that, I start on projects and building a portfolio for an AI engineer job!
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-15-2023
Day 43,
Ladies and fellas, need your input, but for different reasons. This will also act as a rant.
I have been upfront with the woman I've been seeing for 3.5 months (and more if you count when we dated for 3 months in 2021).
I'll call her Brazil girl.
Brazil girl and I agreed to stay casual on day 1 of linking back together; this was on New Years Eve.
She was upset about 6 weeks later because she joked about me seeing another woman on a day where I was not available to meet, and I didn't deny it (I was screwing around with another woman, but we've drifted away from each other); I didn't see anything wrong because I view casual as non-exclusive.
We smoothed it over in February and we clarified to a non-exclusive casual relationship where we're allowed to see others. She expresses a preference of "out of sight, out of mind." Fine.
A couple of days ago, she sees me performing at an open mic in someone else's Instagram story (my new gal - DR girl). Brazil girl asks me if the IG gal is the other one, and I confirm it. Brazil girl is now insisting that I disclose with DR girl that I'm seeing others, etc. And this is all over text.
Needless to say, she's hanging by a thread for the amount of audacity she's putting up. Dumping her would resolve a lot of other issues.
But, even if I cut her loose, I wouldn't be escaping the feeling that men and women have a different set of assumptions when starting out something sexual.
My view? If women want to steer the start of a relationship into something not expressed outright, it is their responsibility to ask. If you don't ask, then you must take the dates and sex at face value until further notice. After all, you are a grown adult and can't expect me to know you want more unless you say so. I haven't said anything indicating either purely sexual or marriage. So if the uncertainty is too much, ask. And if it's fear causing your not-asking, why are you afraid of communicating with someone with whom you want a relationship?
For one, I'm assuming that the woman is seeing others, or just playing the field, unless it's claimed otherwise or agreed upon. For two, I'm not particularly interested in being lectured in what surplus disclosure I "owe" someone whom I've only seen for a few weeks. From the woman's side, I've been ghosted, flaked on, ignored, you name it, and I'm certain that my previous partners did not disclose their other partners, so I'm not about to be this grand paragon of virtue in the dating world, especially in the face of a group who are not extending to me the same courtesy they seem to expect of me.
The principle I do have; ask me a question, and I answer it honestly. That's why it's so frustrating when I'm not being asked.
Anyways, I'd like your opinion.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - RTBoss - 04-16-2023
(04-15-2023, 12:17 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: Day 43,
Ladies and fellas, need your input, but for different reasons. This will also act as a rant.
I have been upfront with the woman I've been seeing for 3.5 months (and more if you count when we dated for 3 months in 2021).
I'll call her Brazil girl.
Brazil girl and I agreed to stay casual on day 1 of linking back together; this was on New Years Eve.
She was upset about 6 weeks later because she joked about me seeing another woman on a day where I was not available to meet, and I didn't deny it (I was screwing around with another woman, but we've drifted away from each other); I didn't see anything wrong because I view casual as non-exclusive.
We smoothed it over in February and we clarified to a non-exclusive casual relationship where we're allowed to see others. She expresses a preference of "out of sight, out of mind." Fine.
A couple of days ago, she sees me performing at an open mic in someone else's Instagram story (my new gal - DR girl). Brazil girl asks me if the IG gal is the other one, and I confirm it. Brazil girl is now insisting that I disclose with DR girl that I'm seeing others, etc. And this is all over text.
Needless to say, she's hanging by a thread for the amount of audacity she's putting up. Dumping her would resolve a lot of other issues.
But, even if I cut her loose, I wouldn't be escaping the feeling that men and women have a different set of assumptions when starting out something sexual.
My view? If women want to steer the start of a relationship into something not expressed outright, it is their responsibility to ask. If you don't ask, then you must take the dates and sex at face value until further notice. After all, you are a grown adult and can't expect me to know you want more unless you say so. I haven't said anything indicating either purely sexual or marriage. So if the uncertainty is too much, ask. And if it's fear causing your not-asking, why are you afraid of communicating with someone with whom you want a relationship?
For one, I'm assuming that the woman is seeing others, or just playing the field, unless it's claimed otherwise or agreed upon. For two, I'm not particularly interested in being lectured in what surplus disclosure I "owe" someone whom I've only seen for a few weeks. From the woman's side, I've been ghosted, flaked on, ignored, you name it, and I'm certain that my previous partners did not disclose their other partners, so I'm not about to be this grand paragon of virtue in the dating world, especially in the face of a group who are not extending to me the same courtesy they seem to expect of me.
The principle I do have; ask me a question, and I answer it honestly. That's why it's so frustrating when I'm not being asked.
Anyways, I'd like your opinion.
Brazil girl is out-of-line telling you how to act with anyone else. Simple. If she can't handle that and just show up for casual sex while minding her business, I'd be out and move on to others that can.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-16-2023
(04-16-2023, 07:15 AM)RTBoss Wrote: Brazil girl is out-of-line telling you how to act with anyone else. Simple. If she can't handle that and just show up for casual sex while minding her business, I'd be out and move on to others that can.
Thanks for answering. Your response addresses the first half of my post head on; for the rest, do you think I'm approaching this with the correct assumptions/instincts? Meaning, am I setting proper expectations and boundaries?
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Yous - 04-16-2023
(04-15-2023, 12:17 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: Day 43,
Ladies and fellas, need your input, but for different reasons. This will also act as a rant.
I have been upfront with the woman I've been seeing for 3.5 months (and more if you count when we dated for 3 months in 2021).
I'll call her Brazil girl.
Brazil girl and I agreed to stay casual on day 1 of linking back together; this was on New Years Eve.
She was upset about 6 weeks later because she joked about me seeing another woman on a day where I was not available to meet, and I didn't deny it (I was screwing around with another woman, but we've drifted away from each other); I didn't see anything wrong because I view casual as non-exclusive.
We smoothed it over in February and we clarified to a non-exclusive casual relationship where we're allowed to see others. She expresses a preference of "out of sight, out of mind." Fine.
A couple of days ago, she sees me performing at an open mic in someone else's Instagram story (my new gal - DR girl). Brazil girl asks me if the IG gal is the other one, and I confirm it. Brazil girl is now insisting that I disclose with DR girl that I'm seeing others, etc. And this is all over text.
Needless to say, she's hanging by a thread for the amount of audacity she's putting up. Dumping her would resolve a lot of other issues.
But, even if I cut her loose, I wouldn't be escaping the feeling that men and women have a different set of assumptions when starting out something sexual.
My view? If women want to steer the start of a relationship into something not expressed outright, it is their responsibility to ask. If you don't ask, then you must take the dates and sex at face value until further notice. After all, you are a grown adult and can't expect me to know you want more unless you say so. I haven't said anything indicating either purely sexual or marriage. So if the uncertainty is too much, ask. And if it's fear causing your not-asking, why are you afraid of communicating with someone with whom you want a relationship?
For one, I'm assuming that the woman is seeing others, or just playing the field, unless it's claimed otherwise or agreed upon. For two, I'm not particularly interested in being lectured in what surplus disclosure I "owe" someone whom I've only seen for a few weeks. From the woman's side, I've been ghosted, flaked on, ignored, you name it, and I'm certain that my previous partners did not disclose their other partners, so I'm not about to be this grand paragon of virtue in the dating world, especially in the face of a group who are not extending to me the same courtesy they seem to expect of me.
The principle I do have; ask me a question, and I answer it honestly. That's why it's so frustrating when I'm not being asked.
Anyways, I'd like your opinion.
The brasilian girl is asking you for something that you don´t want to or you feel unconfortable with, just tell her and see if she can handle it, if not is that you are not in the same page.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-17-2023
Day 45,
I think I'm coming to my senses a bit about my willingness to be exclusive to the DR girl.
Re-read my accolades from my first post in this journal. Contrast this to her at 26, she works two jobs, one professional and one service job (which, I do admire her work ethic), but she has no real hobbies that I know of. She's a tad bit hot and cold, and aloof over text. I don't know what her long term plans are, her skills, or her deeper values are.
I have plans on writing a new book this year and to create an AI watchdog politics tracker that will earn many millions of dollars and transform the political landscape, if successfully implemented. The book will be about concretizing some of the more general ideas about its implementation. I would need to know that she could pour into my life in some meaningful way, and me into hers, in a way that would give me superpowers and to make this dream a reality. A relationship can't just be the 2.0 version of date night and fucking, now with sleepovers and meeting her friends. All while I've been funding it so far? Why bother making that extra step? (To be clear, she isn't asking about what our status is.)
As a contrasting case study. I've been talking with this woman across the Canada-US border (I matched with her when I was visiting parents, who live close to the border), who is 22, is a dental hygienist, has plans on becoming a dentist, and is very interested in coding. Her eagerness to meet and make plans comes through over the text messages. She's pretty, 5' tall, black, and has big titties. The fact that she has a plan and varied interests is very endearing to me, and all of the other things cover the physical side.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-17-2023
Does somebody know where I can up my game about Finance, more specifically tech company related, such as balance sheets of tech companies, getting funding, and other elements?
Something more pointed than the basic "just immerse yourself in it, bro" would be much appreciated.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Johannesbrst - 04-17-2023
(04-17-2023, 08:27 AM)Ampersnd Wrote: Does somebody know where I can up my game about Finance, more specifically tech company related, such as balance sheets of tech companies, getting funding, and other elements?
Something more pointed than the basic "just immerse yourself in it, bro" would be much appreciated.
Read a shit ton of annual reports from tech companies and Google/chat gpt everything you come across that you don't understand and dig deep to understand the fundamental why's behind everything.
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - Ampersnd - 04-17-2023
(04-17-2023, 09:09 AM)Johannesbrst Wrote:(04-17-2023, 08:27 AM)Ampersnd Wrote: Does somebody know where I can up my game about Finance, more specifically tech company related, such as balance sheets of tech companies, getting funding, and other elements?
Something more pointed than the basic "just immerse yourself in it, bro" would be much appreciated.
Read a shit ton of annual reports from tech companies and Google/chat gpt everything you come across that you don't understand and dig deep to understand the fundamental why's behind everything.
Is there a common spot that you use to find the financial reports of US companies?
ChatGPT is telling me the following:
1) Company Websites: navigating to the investor relations section.
2) Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Website: for annual reports (Form 10-K), quarterly reports (Form 10-Q), and current reports (Form 8-K). On the SEC's EDGAR database.
3) Financial News Websites: Yahoo Finance, Bloomberg, and CNBC
4) Financial Data Providers: Reuters, FactSet, and S&P Global Market Intelligence
RE: "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023 - RTBoss - 04-17-2023
(04-16-2023, 08:36 AM)Ampersnd Wrote:(04-16-2023, 07:15 AM)RTBoss Wrote: Brazil girl is out-of-line telling you how to act with anyone else. Simple. If she can't handle that and just show up for casual sex while minding her business, I'd be out and move on to others that can.
Thanks for answering. Your response addresses the first half of my post head on; for the rest, do you think I'm approaching this with the correct assumptions/instincts? Meaning, am I setting proper expectations and boundaries?
I don't think you need to wait to answer any questions. I'd set the ground rules straight away, and make sure whoever you're having a casual relationship with understands, to your satisfaction. If they break rules, have another conversation. If you need to have more than one conversation, they're going to be a problem - Move on. You're a young, good-looking guy (I've seen your guitar videos!), with a lot of good going on for himself. Plenty of fish for you!