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Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - DarthXedonias - 06-12-2021
Eh, been a while and quite frankly I haven't been interested at all in writing a journal. However I realize that feed back is needed. So I'm mainly doing this for Shannon as I feel I owe him one for making this sub and the future subs he's going to make.
Quite frankly I feel like I'm nearly there. Speaking honestly I feel like 90 to 95% of all fears are gone. Its been one major transformation every week I think. Some more bigger than others but its transformation none the less. I see that all realities are possible and therefore I can choose whichever reality I want. All possibilities are open to me and I will not limit myself out of fear any longer.
I'm noticing more women are popping into my life out of student places and I'm talking to more women than I every had in my life. The funny thing is I'm the most unneedy I have ever been in my life as well. I might be interested in a women but I don't need her. If she's going to be more problems than she is worth then its bye bye. I actually got back in contact with that really hot, curvy Asian women I had talked about in one of my other threads (one that got deleted). Things are actually going really well this time due to be being a lot more developed and her not being in a very stressful situation like she was last time. We've been talking a lot and our connection is very deep. Probably going to end up marrying this one honestly as she is a keeper. She's fine with me being with other women but she isn't down for threesomes or anything like that. Kind of a shame but oh well she brings another value in other ways that make up for that in my opinion. I would say she is an 9 or 9.5 on the looks scale.
With more on that looks thing I might add that Shannon was right what he said a long time ago the more hot a women is the more crazy and/or more character flaws she has. Contrasting the chick I talked about with another chick I've been talking to long term who I would say is also a solid 9 oh man can she have this bad attitude when she doesn't get what she want or can have a bratty attitude. It only stopped recently (surprised I even had the patience to deal with it honestly but I feel like I've become a lot, lot more patient due to the subs) because I literally told her one more bad outburst for bad reasons and I will just wish her luck then block her. On top of that I literally showed her the other girls I was talking to pretty much say "See, you might think your this special snowflake in the world. You aren't, there's billions of other good looking women on the planet who I can choose from who not only look good but will treat me better than you. If you think your my only option and I should be worshipping you just for giving me the time of day you are dead wrong". After that her behavior basically did a 180 and she apologize for her behavior the last few weeks. I think this is what one might call "dread game" I guess though in my opinion I was just being honest lol. I think she's so used to dealing with "beta guys" who will just kiss her ass that she was just shocked and intrigued that she might have a guy who will tell her screw you and would leave lol.
Now what was the only difference between these women even though they were both essentially 9s? Lets call the first women Kath and the second one Jane. The main difference was Kath was born to a poor family that mostly farms, her family home was in the middle of no where (takes like an hour I think to get to the nearest mall), and she didn't even have any boyfriends until she was in community college in a major city much later on. Her parents were strict as well because her older sister had gotten pregnant all of a sudden at age 17, so her parents were strict about her being around boys pretty much (what few men there were in the hundreds of miles of farmland she lived around). She only had 3 boyfriends her whole life. She also was cooking since she was very young and is a INFP from her personality test results. Jane however was born and lived in a highly populated major city so had plenty of cucks willing to give her stuff for free and attention. Though she's only ever had one boyfriend before though that might also be because she's only 19 years old.
Moral of the story as a "general rule of thumb" the more hot she is the more crazy and/or character flaws she has "unless" she developed in circumstances that forced her to have to develop good character traits, etc.
Now on to other things I noticed for quite a while ,though I think I have it still to a degree now, that I had some kind of mental "training wheels" in regards to fear. I noticed majorly that there was some kind of "filter" for fear when it came do make decisions. Like if something made me afraid I would feel a certain part screaming out in my mind and/or feel my body respond with fear but I noticed the fear was being filtered out from even affecting the part of my mind when it came to making decisions. It felt like I would still feel the fear but the decision making part of my mind was unaffected by the fear and I was moving in a rational, logical way when it came decision making. It felt like autopilot really.
Very recently I also had this very interesting comprehension. Its hard to explain but its like a major part of my mind analyzed logically and came to understood the very "essence" of fear as it were. Its hard to say consciously but its like I just focused on that feeling and was able "feel" the essence of that emotion. After I realized that its like my mind just realized "This is the essence of it and after analyzing this I really don't need to particular emotion in my life. It seems to offer me nothing". That's when an extremely huge amount of the fear I had just dropped off the face of a cliff. Hence why I said at the beginning of this I would say 90 to 95% of the fears are gone. With that I now notice all the possibilities open to me and with that a lot more freedom. Its kind of hard to keep track of my thoughts now because with realizing all these possibilities are open to me, that everything is a probability point or line (i think that was a phrase Shannon used) I kind of have that "Kid in an Candy store" affect going on. Like I will be thinking of one subject then all of a sudden I start thinking or talking about something else just because its a new thought or something interesting that caught my attention rofl.
Along a similar subject I have come to the honest conclusion that as far as Archtypes I do believe my natural Archtype is that of the Mad scientist. eh, I don't see anything wrong in that either. I'm just the eccentric, curious person who doesn't believe in a lot of Societies BS really. I see most of it for the joke it is. Why should I obey such a mass of people who don't even care about what the truth is? A lot of times they don't even want to say or do things just because it will hurt someone's "fee fees" or someone will get "offend". Meh, they can fuck off with that nonsense. Psh the species that survives and thrives in the end is the one that moves and adapts with is really going on. The Species that dies and remains stagnate is the one too scared to deal with reality as is and is too concerned with how they "feel" about reality.
Another thing that has happened and I hope to not get too closely to rule 4 so I will just make this general. I do feel like I had an spiritual awakening to a degree. The first thing that unlocked this was finding myself really. Finding my true self among all the garbage this toxic society tried to tell me and becoming my own man. I feel like this is the most in connection I have been with masculine energy in my life. The second thing that started this was that deep understanding, which Shannon has touched upon before, that Change is the only real objective truth their is. With in realizing this I felt like I didn't want to fight change anymore. No I wanted to see it as my ally. I wanted to Not fight against it but fight with it. To move along side it, adapt to it, and change with it so that I might become even greater. There have been real life results because of this. I don't like just sitting in the house so I'm going to be going hiking on the weekends. I'm talking to more people more often. If I come across someone who isn't talkative or doesn't want to be social that's ok, that's their problem. Been getting more and more people wanting to talk to me or compliment me for some reason. There is no social anxiety whatsoever. Still working hard at times with my second bachelors degree in Computer science and just recently got a job for the summer that will help me out majorly after I finish the degree in the summer. I work for an official transportation company now but the funder and client for the project is one of Google's child companies. So with this job I will be able to get a lot of tech companies interest in me with that experience.
Lastly I guess I will mention one other thing. So generally scary movies or media reenactments of real life stories surrounding people's experience with paranormal stuff (ya know like a family moving into an actual haunted house). So generally depending on how scary the thing or situation is it might run ramp it in my mind for a few hours to a few days. Not really anymore. Now jump scares just annoy me and recently I was watching some stuff of real life people who moved into such houses and were terrorized. Its funny the idea of being in that situation used to scary me. Now? I just would get pissed in such a situation. Like what the hell is some ghost doing in my house trying to scare me? Funny I usually respond in my mind with "Yeah, try to do that and I will kick your ass", never mind how I would be able to physically kick the ass of a ghost but that is besides the point. It would just really annoy me and get me angry having to deal with that nonsense.
Anyway, I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff I missed but this is already a long post and I don't feel like thinking further to find more shit to write. If I remember something I will put it another post at a later date. Anyway, keep on trucking along people. Once you overcome fear life gets a lot better.
RE: Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - DarthXedonias - 06-13-2021
Update:
Things are still going really well for now. Don't feel any anxiety and I don't think I've actually felt any fear for the last few days. I have noticed that I have this very big urge to just talk to people. I feel like I can probably just talk all day, everyday now. This is completely different then I was a few months ago or for the good last couple of years. I do know I used to be a lot more expressive when I was younger and cracking jokes a lot but once I got to middle school that just stopped. I kept on getting picked on and made fun of so I just became a lot more quiet. Basically I hid myself because of fear. Now it seems that fear is cleared up and I'm perfectly fine. I have noticed as well that my idea of the future and my future plans don't have fear surrounding them anymore. As in their is not really any hesitation in thinking whether I will achieve them or not. Its part of the reason I'm certain I will get results from the next UMSv2 and DMSI. There just isn't any fear around achieving the goals anymore or fearing that they aren't possible.
As on the women front things are going well. Funny enough more and more women trying to get my attention now yet I don't even care. I don't even care about a relationship. Only care about maybe talking to them if they are interesting and having a good time doing so. Sex or the need for sex is not the priority in my mind anymore. I think they sense that and therefore they are interested to some degree. Also I should explain something more about that chick called Jane that I left out in my last post that will fill in the blanks a bit as I feel like that part may have made me seem like an a-hole. When I first started talking to her I made it known from the start that I wasn't monogamous at all. I even explained this to her 2-3 times to which she agreed to my terms. However she started pulling that bad behavior then I pulled that out and reminded her. Funny thing she tried to say I had "Cheated on her" despite her agreeing I could see other women as well and whenever I brought up the fact that she agreed to this she just ignored that and kept on saying I cheated on her.
Eh I just asked her a question regarding why she agreed to it then if she had such an issue then when she didn't reply back I called her on her bullshit and removed myself from the conversation. Like 1 or 2 days later she contacts me again and is a lot more reasonable. I made a few things known: (1) She does that shit again I will just wish her luck and block her, (2) I let her know I'm not changing for her especially on something she agreed to, and (3) basically "I know who I am and where I am going in life. I have a very lucrative CS career ahead of me whether your a part of that or not. If not doesn't matter I have plenty of other women who would see me as a catch with me being financially stable and having a decent personality. Choice is yours whether you want to be apart of my life or not". She then apologized 2 times and said she remembers I said I wasn't monogamous but she didn't think I was really serious about it lol. Don't know how she got that impression when I literally told 2 to 3 times that I wasn't monogamous.
Anyway, as far as anything else things are just going very, very well at the moment. Life is good, my emotions are balanced, and the future is bright. I don't really have any worries at all in the world. I will say there is one thing that is a draw. I am going a bit slower on my degree because I think fear was my main motivator before and now that that's gone its like I lack that motivation. I guess I will get that motivation back to complete it a lot quicker once I switch to maybe back to MLS4 eventually or if on UMSv2 I see the very good financial benefits of completing the degree a lot quicker. Other than that things are very well. No where to go but up from here.
RE: Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - Shannon - 06-13-2021
I noticed the same thing. When I was dating multiple women at a time, I would always tell them that up front, flat out, and make sure they understood. And most of the time, I would end up with them either accusing me of cheating, causing drama because they didn't believe me in the beginning, lying to me and or breaking the rules we had both agreed to in the beginning of the relationship.
I think most women just don't believe it, can't imagine it, and then can't handle it when they realize you weren't just boasting or something like that.
RE: Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - Jake2015 - 06-13-2021
(06-13-2021, 04:42 PM)Shannon Wrote: I noticed the same thing. When I was dating multiple women at a time, I would always tell them that up front, flat out, and make sure they understood. And most of the time, I would end up with them either accusing me of cheating, causing drama because they didn't believe me in the beginning, lying to me and or breaking the rules we had both agreed to in the beginning of the relationship.
I think most women just don't believe it, can't imagine it, and then can't handle it when they realize you weren't just boasting or something like that.
@Shannon by dating do you mean you were exclusive were these said women or was it that it was simply dating without anyone mentioning exclusivity?
If they were exclusive for all of them with you how did you ever manage that? lol A polyamorous set up?
sorry @DarthXedonias for going on tangent on your thread bro. Hope you dont mind.
RE: Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - Shannon - 06-13-2021
(06-13-2021, 05:50 PM)Jake2015 Wrote:(06-13-2021, 04:42 PM)Shannon Wrote: I noticed the same thing. When I was dating multiple women at a time, I would always tell them that up front, flat out, and make sure they understood. And most of the time, I would end up with them either accusing me of cheating, causing drama because they didn't believe me in the beginning, lying to me and or breaking the rules we had both agreed to in the beginning of the relationship.
I think most women just don't believe it, can't imagine it, and then can't handle it when they realize you weren't just boasting or something like that.
@Shannon by dating do you mean you were exclusive were these said women or was it that it was simply dating without anyone mentioning exclusivity?
If they were exclusive for all of them with you how did you ever manage that? lol A polyamorous set up?
sorry @DarthXedonias for going on tangent on your thread bro. Hope you dont mind.
The situation was not polyamory. It was polygyny (many females). Polyamory is where everyone involved is in a romantic (and sometimes also sexual) relationship with everyone else involved. I had multiple girlfriends, and they all had me. It was a star topology. If they didn't like that situation, they didn't have to agree to it, and they could leave should they decide they were not happy. I managed years of successful relationships like that by simply being honest and stating what I wanted, what I needed, what I expected and what was willing to accept. They could respond however they wanted, but if they wanted to be more than friends, they had the option of agreeing to my terms or staying friends. Sometimes they would choose to just be friends, and sometimes they would opt for being one of my girlfriends. Some of the ones who opted to remain just friends are still friends of mine years later.
It's really simple when you're honest, communicate clearly and up front what you want and are and are not willing to accept and then let the chips fall where they may. She's either willing to accept the terms, or she's not. It was not a negotiable situation. This is what I want, this is what I need, this is what I am willing to do, this is what I am willing to accept, and if you are also willing, this is what I expect and these are the rules. If that's not suitable for you, then we won't do that, we'll just be friends. Everyone understands before they get involved what the situation is, what the expectations are, what the rules are, and then if she agrees to those terms, welcome to the family. If not, we'll just be friends.
Only like I said, they never seemed to get it no matter how clearly I explained things. They usually thought I was kidding, I was bluffing, I was boasting, I couldn't possibly be serious. But I was.
RE: Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - DarthXedonias - 06-14-2021
(06-13-2021, 04:42 PM)Shannon Wrote: I noticed the same thing. When I was dating multiple women at a time, I would always tell them that up front, flat out, and make sure they understood. And most of the time, I would end up with them either accusing me of cheating, causing drama because they didn't believe me in the beginning, lying to me and or breaking the rules we had both agreed to in the beginning of the relationship.
I think most women just don't believe it, can't imagine it, and then can't handle it when they realize you weren't just boasting or something like that.
It's highly annoying honestly. You spend all that time explaining what you want then make sure they understand then later on they have surprised Pikachu face when they realize you were serious -eye roll-. There is something interesting concerning the "Kath" girl when it comes to that. She believed me right away and was kind of hesitant but I pushed for us still having an relationship. Funny enough the 3 previous boyfriend's she had all cheated on her. I think she felt differently about me because at least from the beginning I wasn't hiding what I wanted from the beginning and she knew what to expect. She's ok with it all she just doesn't want to do the threesome stuff and she doesn't want to hear about my "exploits". Other than that she is fine.
As for the other chick funny how I think it has worked out in my favor because with no fear I let her know I won't put up with her bad attitude, I don't "need" her, and she isn't some "special snow flake", I can replace her with someone just as good looking but with an better attitude. I think those things just drove her crazy. "This guy won't worship the ground I walk on and is willing to walk away" lol. I've seen a lot more better attitude from her lately. A lot more quiet and we'll behaved. I already know she's used to the opposite because she has said she's had men offering to give her huge amounts of money in the past as an monthly allowance to date her yet she just turned up her nose at them or used them as orbiters. None of them are around to this Day.
It's funny how now I naturally don't give a shit and if your going to bring drama into my life I can naturally just cut someone off. I can't even comprehend anymore why I was so needy before. It was quite honestly pathetic and did nothing for me.
RE: Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv3 Journal - DarthXedonias - 06-14-2021
Well, today went pretty well.
Got some training for my new job done early and something else interesting happened. Don't know why but all of a sudden after waking up from a nap I all of a sudden felt this sudden motivation to get my degree done really quick. I think this is the real deal as I feel very confident I can get it done now. Just got done studying over half the material and plan on studying the rest of it tonight before I head to bed. Plan on getting the practice test done then tomorrow I will finish the final test for the same class. I counted things up and excluding my Capstone project at the end of the course I only have 19 classes I need to complete. I'm pretty confident I can get those done within this summer even with me training/working full time.
I think part of this inspiration was just me just thinking to myself why am I slowing myself down and losing focus when I could be getting this done and then have a lot of financial freedom with the ability to travel/live wherever I want? I don't really feel like there's anything here for me in the US so there's no point in dragging my feet so I have to stay here longer. I mean since I've gotten rid of a lot of fear I realize no matter where I go I can still live in certain places because I'm at home with myself but that still doesn't mean I don't prefer certain destinations over others for various reasons.
So I will get this done this summer. The more favorable plan for me is to get this done and also run UMSv2 eventually so maybe by the end of the summer I have a lot more disposable income from trading and use that to have more passive income I could live off of in another country. So in the fall I could move elsewhere (while also converting my USD to some other currency because I do believe that high amount of inflation will happen) and live off my investment and prepare to enter a masters program Next spring if possible.
So this summer finish my second bachelors degree and achieve a good amount of financial freedom. In the fall get out of the US and live/travel elsewhere. Preferably while just living off my investments. If not then as a back up get a remote programming job that will pay well while living outside the US. Try to get into an online masters program at an elite school for next spring. All of this seems very doable to me now.
In other news, i'm noticing more and more that just talking to women is my main goal instead of sex. Yes if sex were offered would I turn my nose up at it? Most likely not but eh I seem to be more interested in talking and having a good time than focusing purely on sex. I'm just not needy anymore. I still want sex and i do want a life with sexual abundance but I do have other priorities before that such as being financially successful.