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+--- Thread: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & MLS) (/Thread-Darwin-in-pursuit-of-Self-SE-MLS)
Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & MLS) - Darwinn - 12-02-2019
Starting a new thread per shannon's request.
I've been on SE for about 3 weeks now and it's honestly been the happiest time for me since just about the last time i was on SE. I think the reason for this is that I am more connected to my 'self', and daily i do more of what is congruent with my values and what makes me have a sense of personal value in the world.
I've gone from feeling kind of empty, burning myself out with desires for much which is outside myself, often desired because it might fill the hole where my self esteem is supposed to be; to feeling grateful, happy and enjoyment of me. I care a lot about sustainability and how i was living just aint sustainable.
it would have been great if UMS worked for me, or LTU, even USLM just didn't quite do it for me; but they didn't and i needed to get grounded in myself again.
I've been using LFC 5.75g on and off at the same time. Mainly to block out distractions and help me to knuckle down to key tasks. it produces a straing unthinking state right now, i'm awake and slightly wired but not able to think fluidly or creatively - never the less when i turn it off after two loops i notice there is a bloom and perhaps a day later i have a calmer easier focus where i'm tuned into what i'm doing but my mind is fluid again. I have to say it does conflict with SE and diminishes the effects of SE - so my sense of delf respect and self care somewhat diminishes, but this too returns.
RE: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & LFC) - Darwinn - 12-21-2019
My life on SE is so much better, it's like night and day compared to my normal mode of being.
On any other sub there is a kind of focus which narrows down my personality to that end. On SE I'm a whole person and making as much - if not more progress on those goals.
Some of this is I expect is to me having a more whole and congruent identity - I have less resistance to what I'm trying to achieve because consciously I will align what I am doing with that identity and values. Public service is a huge value for me due to my upbringing- so just making it rain with cash doesnt work for me unless I close down or ignore a huge part of my identity. Now I'm developing in a direction which will make me money but is aligned with these higher aims as well as with a respect for my health and sanity.
I'm seeing at wor that me being myself is having a huge effect on my environment. Leaders who barely spoke to me are now adopting my approach to things and are invigorated by the passion I can now bring to the table with my value system, I am motivating a large team of people unlike never before. The s0ame goes for my family and extended family which is divided to say the least. I believe the energy I can now bring has begun to heal everyone , open doors that were closed and bring them together. In short - self esteem allows one to practice authenticity, and authenticity is rare enough that others respond to it powerfully.
I think this is why I love MLS and SE. Both of these provide foundational meta skills that allow me to pursue wider goals in a way which is authentic.
RE: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & LFC) - LionKing - 12-23-2019
(12-21-2019, 01:10 AM)Darwin Wrote: On any other sub there is a kind of focus which narrows down my personality to that end. On SE I'm a whole person and making as much - if not more progress on those goals.
Hey, just wondering: what did you feel that focus was on LTU 5.5G? I've done some amount of time on both SE and LTU, but just don't seem to remember much about those runs. My consistency with subs has been horrible this last year or more - there's always a new dmsi or something coming out and I'll get side tracked. Kinda fun, though.
I was impressed and inspired by our post, btw. Really clearly displays an active mindset and using a sub to help with that.
RE: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & LFC) - Darwinn - 12-26-2019
(12-23-2019, 07:20 AM)LionKing Wrote:#(12-21-2019, 01:10 AM)Darwin Wrote: On any other sub there is a kind of focus which narrows down my personality to that end. On SE I'm a whole person and making as much - if not more progress on those goals.
Hey, just wondering: what did you feel that focus was on LTU 5.5G? I've done some amount of time on both SE and LTU, but just don't seem to remember much about those runs. My consistency with subs has been horrible this last year or more - there's always a new dmsi or something coming out and I'll get side tracked. Kinda fun, though.
I was impressed and inspired by our post, btw. Really clearly displays an active mindset and using a sub to help with that.
Thanks! Perhaps focus isn't quite the right word for LTU 5.5g I wasn't feeling narrowed down to a focus so much as I was feeling not-present and like my personality was limited - I did have a couple of initial good experiences but nothing substantial.
RE: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & LFC) - Darwinn - 12-28-2019
I am enjoying SE and the space it gives me from fear of criticism. Its freed me up to take sensible amounts of time each day to read around my work area and apply for jobs in a more sane way. My boundaries are working better as well. For example, at work they have overloaded me with tasks - this is too much to handle and they are using me to do the job of three people.- I am not stressed though, this is their problem and I have told them as such , that it's more a reflection on the boards resource decisions than me and that means my team is now being expanded.
I wanted to get a bit of my MLS brain back so I downloaded it. I whacked it on for about 4 loops just while I was working on a problem and man is it beautiful.
Again, night and day. With MLS working its magic my mind plays with problems and turns everything into an enjoyable learning experience. What's more is I didnt realise how damn slow I'd become - again. I've been struggling with some pretty basic stuff and ive been relying on my crystallised intelligence, ie my experience and memory. With MLS the world opend up with possibility as my fluid intelligence awakens and I can develop mental models on the fly, link together concepts and facts and engage in meta cognition, all while working.
To say this makes me happy is an understatement. It's always been a key desire of my life to have a mind which functions in this way. My anxiety about slowness and my competence to handle the future is massively diminished which adds another layer of freedom.
Ive done MLS and SE separately before , but now for the next year I'd like to experiment with having these go simultaneously. MLS is one day on, one day off and SE is supposedly a (relatively) simple focus fire. SE is already a part of most subs going now (I think). Im hoping that if I do a few loops on my MLS off days of SE they should support each other rather than be over draining given what I've mentioned and again given I have already run them before so to some degree the programming from both is already embedded.
I know this is not the rules so I take responsibility for any misfires as a result of me going off piste with these two subs in particular.
RE: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & MLS) - Darwinn - 12-30-2019
I don't know if it's just that my normal level of intelligence is really low or if MLS has made me smart. What I do know is that I feel like I have a mind to proactively think with, whereas otherwise i'm just reacting and slowly just muddling through.
For example, on UMS - I went into a hard-core learning mode, I decided that I was going to learn to code in a month - this wasn't done intelligently though. I beat my head against a book for three weeks and did a bunch of exercises and by the end of I was worn out. My learning hadn't properly sunk in. With my 'brain switched on' I realised I would have done this exercise differently with a mind on the outcome and a solid process for internalising what I'd learned, rather than just burning out in a fit of obsession.
The approach to every task has a better quality using MLS. I was making some food for my kid the other day - something I do as a chore kind of slack jawed and droopy eyed - but with an awakened mindset I made several changes to what I was doing so it was all done quicker and much better, saving me about 20 minutes of prep time. Then while giving my kid a bath I was able to bomb through a few chapters of a fairly technical audio book - which I genuinely enjoyed.
Then as soon as i'd put my kid to bed, I genuinely wanted to apply what i'd learned so I spent the next few hours working on a problem in my note pad. My partner got home (I'd given her the day off) and she was shocked because i'd cleaned the house - I hadn't even thought about it while I was doing it but while I was waiting for some food to cook, I went around with a mop, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.
RE: Darwin - in pursuit of Self (SE & MLS) - Darwinn - 12-30-2019
To underline - all of this was done with enjoyment.
SE seems to be complementing this for now by emphasising helping me to emphasise what I want and what I think - which is keeping me in a place of strong boundaries - otherwise i'd be fearing what others thing a lot at work right now!.